Jason – blogitude.com http://blogitude.com Can't Laugh at Yourself? We'll do it for you! Tue, 03 Apr 2018 14:44:40 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.7 5360535 Gift Exchange: Not Available for Weekdays http://blogitude.com/2014/03/18/gift-exchange-available-weekdays/ Tue, 18 Mar 2014 17:38:51 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8375 For those poor souls with hangovers today from all the green beer you drank last night? You can’t trade Tuesday for Thursday, either.

I know every day is a gift, but where's the reciept for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday!

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Kids Begging for Money http://blogitude.com/2014/03/16/kids-begging-money/ Sun, 16 Mar 2014 19:38:11 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8356 Yesterday a kid walked up to me in a restaurant and asked if he could “borrow” my money. I said, “No go ask your daddy.” I wanted to see what man he went to and punch him in the face but the kid walked all over the restaurant like he had no parents. It’s hard to blame the kids.

"Too Late Now... Your Child is an Asshole: A Guide for Parents Who are Most Likely Also Assholes."  by Barbara Simmons, author of ADMIT IT: Your Child is Having a Fucking Meltdown

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Who Has the Bigger Weiner? http://blogitude.com/2014/03/16/bigger-weiner/ Sun, 16 Mar 2014 17:13:53 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8354 Mine’s still bigger than yours. And it didn’t require implants.

Giant Truck: "Sorry About Your Penis, Bro."

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If Your Man Can’t Drive a Straight Shift… http://blogitude.com/2014/03/15/man-cant-drive-straight-shift/ Sat, 15 Mar 2014 23:04:26 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8351 Funny when women do it we call it “driving a stick” …

Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a standard, you have a girlfriend.

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Mark Twain on Stupid People http://blogitude.com/2014/03/10/mark-twain-stupid-people/ Mon, 10 Mar 2014 17:28:58 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8305 It’s so much easier to just hang up the phone.

Mark Twain: "Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

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Adventures at Taco Bell http://blogitude.com/2014/03/08/adventures-taco-bell/ Sun, 09 Mar 2014 00:00:34 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8300 Sitting in Taco Bell with a friend and I hear fluent Spanish. I look around and, lo and behold, there’s a Mexican gentleman sitting across the restaurant. “It’s a good Chinese restaurant because lots of Chinese eat there,” seems silly now…

Taco Bell Mild Sauce: "Will you marry me?"  When my girlfriend of 6 years asked for some hot sauce, without thinking I handed her this... ...after a few seconds she screamed "YES!" and started crying uncontrollably... ...What the Hell Taco Bell?

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Cellphones: The New Law & Religion http://blogitude.com/2014/03/08/cellphones-new-law-religion/ Sat, 08 Mar 2014 22:47:50 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8298 This is almost the law of the land now. We can’t even drive a car without looking at our text messages and trying to reply even at the danger of having a wreck and killing ourselves or someone else.

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Notice is hereby given that ALL CITIZENS MUST Everywhere Everyday Constantly Fiddle with their cell phones. AT NO TIME is it permissible to sit idle and observe the poetry of life or look into the eyes of another person. The arrival of a snippet of trivial text holds the promise of unimagined pleasure, of course we still need to communicate with all the people that is far from us, that’s why a service that let us send free SMS to anyone in India on this Christmas is useful for many people in this country. Honor thy ringtone and jiggling hand-held devices above all other gods. REMEMBER ALWAYS: Practice constant devotion to the PRECIOUS OBJECT. Give full attention to the GLORIOUS TECHNOLOGY. Maintain unselfish love for the FLIMSY HARDWARE.

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Guns Make You Uncomfortable…? http://blogitude.com/2014/03/06/guns-make-uncomfortable/ Fri, 07 Mar 2014 00:15:31 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8282 Just in case it didn’t sink in the first time: Ladies… If your man doesn’t know how to fire a weapon, you’ve got a girlfriend.

I told her guns make me feel uncomfortable. She said we should both see other men.

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Mind in the Gutter? Check. http://blogitude.com/2014/03/06/mind-gutter-check/ Thu, 06 Mar 2014 20:08:51 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8277 I’m not the only one with my mind in the gutter. LOL

I've got a pet wussy. You that read wrong. You read that wrong, too.

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French on the Moon? http://blogitude.com/2014/03/05/french-moon/ Wed, 05 Mar 2014 20:17:46 +0000 http://blogitude.com/?p=8268 Ahh, they surrendered. Dammit…

All American flags placed on the moon are now white due to radiation from the sun. Great. Now it looks like the French went there...

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