Tags: drugs, humor, Karin Mackaliunas, police, satire, vagina
DUNMORE, PA (Via the Web) — On Sunday, March 20th, 2011, Dunmore Police patrolmen Baumann and Cali attended a single vehicle crash on the North Avenue off-ramp of the McDade Expressway. 27-year-old Scranton resident Karin Mackaliunas told police that her coffee cup had rolled under her seat, and she had crashed into the guard rail.
As a tow-truck pulled her car away from the guard rail, a friend of Mackaliunas showed up to give her a ride. All was fine, until patrolman Cali further investigated an earlier report of theft of linens and a room key from the Dunmore Inn. He called the cell phone number provided by the motel clerk, and who should answer but Patrolwoman Baumann — holding Mackaliunas’ phone.
The vicious crime of sheet-stealing notwithstanding, Baumann immediately took Mackaliunas into custody. A routine frisk revealed three bags of heroin in the suspect’s jacket pocket.
Back at police headquarters, a struggle during her search ended with Mackaliunas being taken to the Dunmore Community Medical Center by another officer. Armed with rapelling gear, flashlights, several two-by-fours and a small crane, doctors performed an invasive body cavity search. Fifty-four additional bags of heroin, thirty-one empty bags used to package heroin, and eight and a half generic Xanax pills were recovered from Mackaliunas’ vagina, along with $51.22 in cash and loose change.
Mackaliunas, who works part time as a Wishing Well Fountain at the Scranton Mall, was visibily shaken by the ordeal. While she admits to carrying three bags of heroin in her jacket pocket, as well as an undisclosed number in her underwear, she insists that police planted the evidence. “They’ve done me dirty here,” she said.
Ms. Mackaliunas’ vagina, on the other hand, tells quite a different story, insisting that there were, in fact, eighty-five bags of heroin, and that police stole thirty-one, along with 1.5 generic Xanax’s and additional loose change in the amount of $39.62.
Mackaliunas’ anus concurred, and added, “I’m only glad that they didn’t search me and find the crowbar, two cartons of Misty Light 100’s, two sets of Queen sheets and a motel room key.”
Meanwhile, Dunmore PD’s Internal Affairs division are looking into the claims of evidence theft. When asked why, the unnamed investigator replied, “Because something definitely smells fishy about this heroin.”