Author Archive for Mark

After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnetâ„¢ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy. Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.

How to Talk Like a Kiwi

June 9th, 2021 at 12:05 pm by Mark
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One of the most difficult things for most people to do is to “talk like a Kiwi,” and make it sound remotely passable. New Zealand’s particular form of English is quite unique, and it’s mostly to do with their pronunciation of Vowels, but also to do with creating syllables in monosyllabic words, and dropping of syllables and consonants in others… mostly… (uttered as a sheepish afterthought, like Newt from Aliens)

For example, a soft “e” is pronounced like an American soft “i” (and, conversely, “i” becomes “e”). “O” is most often a soft “u”, with soft “u” becoming “ah.” “Y” is a hard “e,” no matter how you do it. “R” is only pronounced at the beginning of any word, and succumbs to vowels when anywhere else. And if you wanna know how to pronounce a soft “a,” just forget it. It could be anything. And then, of course, there are exceptions to everything. Throw in a few regional words, and you’re just fucked.
For example:

  • “I’m on my deck eating fish” = “Em on mee dick eatun fesh”
  • “Kia ora, mate!” = “KYOR-uh, met!”
  • “This sounds stupid.” = “Thess SEE-owns fect.”
  • “Where is your restroom?” = “Whiz yah bog?” pronounced “bahg”
  • “I can’t find it” = “Uh cunt.”
  • “Yes” = “Uhh yeh, nah, yeh”

Keep practicing. Once you sound like a complete idiot with a speech impediment, you’re halfway there. Check out this video for more tips.

Pennywise is Not IT

September 14th, 2017 at 5:10 pm by Mark
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Despite the fact that any rendition would have to be better than the crap 80’s version of Stephen King’s IT, I’m still sick of the commercials…

* Hat tip to Chered for the idea

Get $20 of bonus stock when you make a deposit on Stash!

Viberzi vs. Ghost in the Shell

March 29th, 2017 at 9:06 pm by Mark
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I’m having a problem justifying paying $13 to go see an action movie about IBS Girl…

Mona Lisa: Cash Me Outside! Howbahdah?

March 13th, 2017 at 3:41 pm by Mark
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Filed under, “Things you can’t unsee.”

Robinhood: Free Stocks for your Referrals!

Stormtrooper Truck Can’t Hit Anything

November 10th, 2016 at 12:22 pm by Mark
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Guaranteed, this truck will never hit anything when driven in reverse… But it’ll prove to make a Hell of an easy target!

Star Wars Stormtroopers: "Best Truck Ever"