Posts Tagged with "new-zealand"

How to Talk Like a Kiwi

June 9th, 2021 at 12:05 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , ,

One of the most difficult things for most people to do is to “talk like a Kiwi,” and make it sound remotely passable. New Zealand’s particular form of English is quite unique, and it’s mostly to do with their pronunciation of Vowels, but also to do with creating syllables in monosyllabic words, and dropping of syllables and consonants in others… mostly… (uttered as a sheepish afterthought, like Newt from Aliens)

For example, a soft “e” is pronounced like an American soft “i” (and, conversely, “i” becomes “e”). “O” is most often a soft “u”, with soft “u” becoming “ah.” “Y” is a hard “e,” no matter how you do it. “R” is only pronounced at the beginning of any word, and succumbs to vowels when anywhere else. And if you wanna know how to pronounce a soft “a,” just forget it. It could be anything. And then, of course, there are exceptions to everything. Throw in a few regional words, and you’re just fucked.
For example:

  • “I’m on my deck eating fish” = “Em on mee dick eatun fesh”
  • “Kia ora, mate!” = “KYOR-uh, met!”
  • “This sounds stupid.” = “Thess SEE-owns fect.”
  • “Where is your restroom?” = “Whiz yah bog?” pronounced “bahg”
  • “I can’t find it” = “Uh cunt.”
  • “Yes” = “Uhh yeh, nah, yeh”

Keep practicing. Once you sound like a complete idiot with a speech impediment, you’re halfway there. Check out this video for more tips.

Smelly Balls?

February 21st, 2014 at 7:11 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , ,

In another country, I once saw a restaurant selling, “Smelly Fish Balls” — a nasty, deep-fried treat of fish skins, salt and flour. Seems like they were 99 pence, too…

Smelly Balls - 99p

Robinhood: Free Stocks for your Referrals!

Counting Sheep

January 28th, 2014 at 5:05 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , , ,

A drunken New Zealander came home after a binge carrying a sheep under his arm. He walked into the bedroom where his wife stared at him from the bed. “Sweetheart, this is the pig I’ve been sleeping with every night,” he announced.

Staring at him disgust, the wife yelled, “That’s a sheep, not a pig, you drunken fool!”

“I was talking to the sheep,” he replied dryly.

My Girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I'd had. I started counting but fell asleep.

New Zealand Catches On to Hit Pop Song

October 27th, 2012 at 7:18 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , ,

But, as usual, they screw it up…

Stock Photos

Most Corrupt Country in the World?

October 1st, 2008 at 1:29 pm by Mark
Tags: , , ,

     And the winner is… New Zealand!  

     After all, how can you trust a country which touts the “largest inland lake in the world, mate?”  “The deepest trench in the Earth, and the only place you can find glow worms, bro?”

     Yes, I’m serious … They actually believe that crap.

     Of course, you will be chastised by most any Kiwi for pointing out any larger lakes in the United States or a gigantic one in the Baltic region, the Marianas Trench or firefly larvae.

     Even though New Zealand did tie with Denmark and Sweden, I’m proud to have done my part