WebMD: Taking the logic out of self-diagnosis since 1996.

Most people set goals and carefully plan to do things, and visit places, but find that they never have the time. Some of us have had many adventures in life because we dared to fly by the seat of our pants…

In the immortal words of Maddox at Best Page in the Universe, “If you suck at math, what you really suck at is following instructions.”

During Sunday Night Football’s epic Philadelphia-Dallas match, Bob Costas ended his half-time show with, “…what I believe is, if he didn’t possess, own a gun, he [Jovan Belcher] and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.”

Earlier during the break, Costas paraphrased an online article by Fox Sports columnist Jason Whitlock, claiming that guns “exacerbate our flaws, tempt us to escalate arguments, and bait us into embracing confrontation rather than avoiding it.” That comment, on its own, is so outlandish that it makes me imagine overly confrontational groups like PETA, NOW and entire Howard Dean for President Campaign with dual-holsters and bandoliers of ammunition.

Both Costas and Whitlock failed to mention the glaringly obvious fact that if Jovan Belcher didn’t kill Kasandra Perkins, she would still be alive today. If Jovan Belcher hadn’t committed suicide, he would also still be alive today. Why point out the glaringly obvious? Because, for their own reasons, certain people want to call this tragedy “a gun crime” instead of the “murder-suicide” which it was.

All facts being equal, the instrument of their deaths is irrelevant. Jovan wanted her, and himself, dead. In this instance, the gun was much like Bob Costas: a tool. Anyone old enough to swing a fist, and land it good, knows that there are countless trillions of ways to end someone which don’t include guns.

The biggest gun control argument anyone ever hears is that if we get rid of guns, there will be less gun crime. The problem is, if we get rid of the Legal guns that the Government knows about, then where are the rest of the guns? In the hands of criminals, whereabouts unknown. Others argue that there are so many fatal accidents with handguns per year involving children. There are more fatal accidents with cars, bathtubs and household chemicals, so, hey, let’s ban them, too! You should work at muraledesign.com to create beautiful mural design instead.

If this logic continues, I’m going to start a special interest group to ban cars because of the numbers of deaths they cause each year. We’ll ban doctors, because most people die at hospitals. Hammers will be banned for the tragically high number of lifelong injuries to fingers and thumbs sustained each year. Food will be banned for causing so many people to choke. Forks and spoons should be banned for making people fat. Oh, and knives? Yeah, to Hell with them, too!

And if it ever comes down to a death match between me and Bob Costas, my weapon of choice is gonna be a Paperclip, just to prove a point. I could totally f#&* dude up with a paperclip…

That’s one way to remember it…