Tags: advertising, asshats, customer service, humor, sarcasm, telemarketers
** The name of the company in question has been changed.
Ok, kids. I have been doing my bestest trying to be nicer to people. This has been going on for some time now. However, nothing gets the better of me than those annoying ass automated phone calls from Joe Solicitor. Or the calls you get from Sally Salesperson where they ask for you by first name and try to act like an acquaintance… Dayum. I thought that shit was borderline illegal on a harassment level.
Anyway, today I turned the tables. I got an automated call from “Kelly”. She was offering us the moon and stars and possibly the sun too if we would “press one to stay on the line for a representitive”.
So, I press one. I hold for a brief 20 seconds or so, expecting “Kelly” will pick up personally and explain to me this great pitch of hers. A pitch I intended to let her waste her time giving before asking to have all of our business numbers removed from her bullshit auto-dial system.
All that went out the window, when rather than “Kelly”, some deep voiced, crankity, old british dude picked up.
“You’re not Kelly.” I say to him, agast that the wool was pulled over my eyes.
“No, that was a recording. Are you interested in learning more.” He blurts out in harsh monotone.
“Uh. No. Actually. I’m really, really tired of you people calling us and would like you to remove our number from your database.”
“Done.” He said as he disconnects my call.
OH NO HE DIDN’T.
God bless *69. I annoy the shit out of many-a-telemarketer when I can actually get my hands on the number they called from.
So I dial *69 and get the number. I press each digit and the little british weasel that hung up on me answered.
**”First Asshat” He answers.
“Yah. I was connected to you to be removed from your call list and you hung up on me.” I lament.
“Well, I didn’t hang up, but you have been removed.” He sneers.
“How the hell am I removed when you only called one of our numerous numbers, sir? Can you explain that? Do you have a list with every company that notes every number within that company?”
I’m ready to fight with him by this time.
“We have them.” He hangs up again.
So, me (being me), I dial them up again.
“First Asshat” It was some uptight manly sounding british woman this time.
“I’m calling to be removed from your call list.”
“Yes, that’s why I answered, I heard the conversation with my employee.” She says.
“It’s pretty simple. Remove all of our numbers, now, or I will call you 500 times a day until Jesus comes back.” I tell her.
“They will be removed.” She retorts as SHE hangs up on me.
Needless to say, I have spent the last hour randomly picking up the phone, dialing the number and saying…
“Hi it’s me. Only XXX number of the promised calls left today.”
I kind of wonder if I can get in trouble for it. If anybody would like to have the same big ball of fun as I am, and help me annoy the shit out of these people, I’d be glad to share the phone number with ya.