Iran’s Subtle Hint: “Help Us, Too!”

January 13th, 2006 at 4:59 pm by Sam
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Having watched how Saddam Hussien saved Iraq by bringing in good ol’ fashioned Democracy and Free Enterprise, Iran is now following exactly the same pattern: breaking IAEA Treaties, entering Nuclear enrichment plants and kicking out United Nations Inspectors.

For those of you still going, “Huh?” I’ll explain. Here’s what very well could have happened.

By October of 2001, Iraq was all but screwed. Saddam had been a genocidal maniac and all-around right bastard for many years, so few countries had any intention of dealing with him or his sadistic regime. Funds were getting tight, and with diminished export income, he simply couldn’t afford to keep paying out hush money to many of the traitors who’d started running their mouths Internationally.

With the United Nations Oil for Food Program set to expire, and the fact that he was finally out of Dr. Pepper and Doritos, Hussein decided that he had to face facts: Monarchies and Totalitarian Socialism were out, and the neo-Republic and Social Democracies were in. You know — Freedom is the New Black.

But could he simply switch, just like that? Like anyone from outside of Iraq would believe he’d changed. And even if they did, how much money would it cost him to mellow a little? You gave people an inch, they’ll take a mile! When moving from a cruel, fascist regime to something more Democratic where people would have a little bit say-so, why, that would just be Anarchy!

It was then that ones of Hussein’s subbordinates, Tariq Aziz, came to him with a brilliant plan: “We can get the Americans come and restructure the country! It’s simple! Let’s order a bunch of missile parts, some sheet metal tubing, solid-state trajectory indicators, and play up the fact that your dumb-ass son bought enriched uranium from South Africa! I mean, hey, who’s to say he didn’t go the Congo and get some more a few weeks ago? And maybe some Anthrax, too. When the time is right, our scientists will break all of the IAEA Seals and make it look like we’re enriching Uranium again. Maybe this upcoming Smart Sanctions thing will help us, and we can highly publicize some raw chemicals like they’re going to be used as weapons. If the Americans haven’t invaded by then, we’ll just wait til we renew Oil for Food, and then we just refuse to deal with the United Nations at all, and let them know that we plan to keep all of their Inspectors out the country forever!”

“Great! A fake Conspiracy!” Hussein exclaimed. “Democrats and Star Trek fans will eat this stuff up!”

“The upside is, we don’t plunge into Civil War and come out looking like total idiots,” Aziz notes. “The downside is, there’s a chance the Americans may just kill us, or put us in prison for the rest of our lives.”

Hussein weighs his options: thirty more years living in a ticking time-bomb of a country that’s going down like the Titanic, or life in a posh, European prison with a jacuzzi, cable television, and a pool table, under the watchful guard of a United States Marine unit who’ll probably be nice enough to give him all the Dr. Pepper and Doritos he could eat.

“I’ve got it!” Hussein exclaims. “You and me, we’ll get this war started, then take a trip and visit your son in Jordan until the major bombing is over. In the meantime, we’ll tip off Ted Kennedy so that he can apply some political pressure on Junior, and that should help get his candidates into the White House in 2004. In exchange, we’ll get him to send over a team of Journalists to help find us at a predetermined location. They’ll never shoot us in front of Journalists! Hey, and maybe we can Johnny Cochran for our Defense team! It worked for O.J.!”



And so, by February of 2002, the great propaganda machine had made the U. S. pretty certain that Iraq was developing nuclear weapons. Iraq had been included in the “Axis of Evil,” and all sorts of supporting intelligence was coming in that Iraq was developing Weapons of Mass Destruction. The plan was working — the U.S. was pushing the U.N. to at attack. Saddam and Tariq rubbed their hands together in evil laughter every time they turned on a television. “Excellent!”



In July of 2002, the United Nations was dead set on re-inspecting Iraq. Negotions broke down quickly. “Hey, Saddam,” said Aziz. “I told Naji Sabri to tell Kofi Annan to get stuffed! That was cool!”

“huhuh, huhuh, Yeah,” replied Hussein. “I’m gonna tell our Military to gear up for attack. The New York Times has actually published the U.S. attack plans. I hope they’re not catching on.”

“Ok, tell ya what. Next month, we’ll invite the Inspectors to come over ‘unconditionally’ — you know, everywhere but thet Presidential Palaces and the Oatmeal factories. It’s time to quit payings the traitors — get the word out that if they speak to anyone about anything, that we’ll kill their families and rape their pets! That should really confuse the crap out of everyone!”

“Great thinking, Tariq!”

“They should get here like in November or December. We’ll just lead them around a little instead, and take them to all the sites where we’ve broken the IAEA seals, and show them a bunch of empty cannisters. All those nervous scientists will never be able to keep their mouths shut!”

“Oh yeah, totally!” Hussein agrees. “I’m gonna have Amir Al-Sadi make them aware that we were ‘close’ to making a nuclear bomb. I’ll also have Hasam Amin leave out thirty or fourty thousand pages on our Weapons declaration!”




By the end of December 2002, the U.S. declares Iraq in “material breach” of the Weapons Declaration made during inspections. Still, they continue to try to use negotiation against Iraq.

U.N. Chief Inspector Hans Blix finally agrees in January 2003, but remains steadfast the U.S. shouldn’t attack. “We have gone to, I think about 125 sites already, and some of them were not visited before, and there will be more. And as more intelligence comes in, there will be more sites visited. I’m confident that we will get more intelligence




But by January 2003, Hussein is getting antsy. He’s not used to Americans being so willing to negotiate and abide by United Nations decisions. “It’s January already! This is taking a while. I’m gonna tell that I’m ready for war, and that their inspectors are spies.”

“Maybe you can call them ‘friends and helpers of Satan,’ huhuh, or something.”

“That would be cool! huh, huhuh! Let’s see how that goes. Do you think we should take Saudi up on their exile offer?”

“No way, Saddam. That would just make us look weak. We need stay focused, and make sure that we keep being defiant. That way, the U.S. will have to invade, and they’ll have the responsibility to fix things. It keeps the burden off of us, and our supporters will be none the wiser.”

“Good plan. I’ll make sure they find some chemical warheads on the 16th, and mayb a couple of illegal missles or something — but, I’ll let them know that I’ll be happy to destory the illegal missles and keep the warheads.”





In March 2003, U.S. and British forces begin bombing Surface-to-Air Missile (SAM) sites in Iraq to help soften Iraqi defenses. On the 18th, Bush gives Hussein forty-eight hours to vacate Iraq, or face invasion.

Using a cellphone from a car destined for Jordan, Hussein taunts his enemy. “You suck, Junior! Your daddy couldn’t finish the job, and you’re just a Paper Tiger just like bin Laden said!”

The U.S. finally makes good on its promise, and begins bombing every target of opportunity it can find.





In April 2003, Hussein and Aziz share a last meal together. “I should head back, Saddam. We need to feed them some more B. S. so they’ll keep at it. What do think about your sons?”

“I think those two are idiots!” Hussein retorts. That spoiled little prick Odai’s great at beating up women and stabbing chauffeurs from behind, but really, he can’t even torture a gold medal out of a soccer player. Qusai, that little ‘tard has wanted to kill me for years. He accidently shot his brother thinking it was me!”

“Oh, yeah,” Aziz agrees. “Maybe we should make them Generals, and that way they get taken out quickly. It could help inflame things a bit, too! Meanwhile, I think I should go ahead and surrender so I can keep the ball rolling. Besides, it’s only eight months before the Democrats get into office — they’ll spring me.”

“Excellent! You make take care of Odai and Qusai, and I’ll give Ted Kennedy a call and have them meet you in Baghdad for your surrender.”







In July of 2003, Odai and Qusai Hussein are finally killed in Mosul. From a safe location, Hussein records a message on tape that they died as martyrs, and that the U.S. will be defeated.

It would take the U.S. many more months to figure out why, at the end of the tape after several seconds of silences, they could hear Hussein breathe, “huhuh, Dumbasses!”




In December 2003, Hussein was tired of playing the game. He realized that all the ammunition he’d given Ted Kennedy had gone to waste, as George Bush had been re-elected. “Ted, this guy’s never gonna stop. I’m gonna crawl down a hole on the other side of the street from the Palace in Tikrit. You think it’s doable that they should find me on the 13th?”

“Despite what went on, you really held up your side of the bargain and fed us a hundred things we can keep messing with this Bush character about. So, I’ll get the journalists over there, and you just make sure one of your guys tips off the military at the last possible moment. It playes better in the media when they come running up and find you — we can make like they knew all along!”

“No problem, buddy! Can you see if one of them will bring me some Dr. Pepper?”




On December 13th, Hussein was arrested in a spiderhole in Tikrit. But by December 23rd, British security officials were tipped off that Hussein may have been hoodwinked into believing he possessed weapons of mass destruction. The truth of the matter, however, was still safe with Hussein and Aziz.


“I’ve made out like a bandit!” he laughs. “Yes, now you all get to fix what’s wrong, and instead of me being shot for imposing Democracy on Iraq, my kids and I get to be a martyrs for jihadists, and I get gorge on American junk food while watching the Sopranos on HBO!”



Hussein and Aziz are currently having a blast making monkey-noises in front of cameras during their trial. At night, they enjoy telling their American captors how gullible they are, all the while enjoying all the Dr. Pepper and Doritos they can eat.

But to their dismay, Johnny Cochran passed away in March of 2005 and was unable to represent them. “Don’t you worry, Saddam,” said Kennedy in a phone call. “We’ll send you Ramsey Clark. And if you run out of Doritos again, just claim that they’re abusing you! And maybe we can help put a little more pressure on your judge.”

Hussein and Tariq’s judge tendered his resignation on January 13th, 2005.



Having a Free Iraq next door is certainly not making Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini and Hojjatol-Islam Mostafa Pour-Mohammadi very happy. As Iran’s citizens see Iraq emerging in a new light, it’s becoming a beacon of hope to a downtrodden people. Civil unrest is growing by leaps and bounds, and with the whole world focused on the Middle East, it’s become increasingly more difficult for the Ayatollah to keep control in their usual manner.


Within the stucco walls of an imperial palace, a full moon shines on an intricate tile floor. Two robed figures meet and stare out against the night sky.

“Hey, Mostafa,” says a quiet voice in the dark. “You know how I asked you to quell the protesters, but don’t kill anyone?”

“Yeah, Mr. K.,” the other replies. “It’s difficult since we can’t use the Mustard Gas anymore. But ya know, I have an idea. I’m almost out of Just for Men, and I think you’re running pretty low on the Ferrero Rocher…”

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