Author Archive for Mark

After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnet™ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy. Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.

Unflattering Beyonce, Anyone?

February 11th, 2013 at 9:24 pm by Mark
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Given the news that Beyoncé’s publicist has asked Buzzfeed to pull down the “unflattering” photos from her half-time performance at this year’s Superbowl, you knew it’d only be a matter of time before we chimed in…

Homer Simpson: "Look Marge ... I'm Beyoncé at the Superbowl!"

Great Television Dilemmas

February 10th, 2013 at 9:00 pm by Mark
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You know they do this to increase advertising revenues, right?

Can't watch the Grammys because I'll get interested and miss the mid-season premiere of The Walking Dead

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Trolling Win: The Glass of Water Trick

February 9th, 2013 at 5:54 pm by Mark
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Sometimes, you get to troll a perfect audience…

Caption: "Have fun cleaning this up :) Love you --- Daddy x x"  Ricky: "how is this possible?"  Poster: "Fill it up completely then flip it over and wipe up the water that spilled..."  Ricky: "thank you now im off to troll peeps"

What if Hitchcock Was Right About the Birds?

February 8th, 2013 at 5:07 pm by Mark
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When you see something like this, you know it isn’t just paranoia — the birds really are out to get you!

Bird poop looks like a skull!

Robinhood: Free Stocks for your Referrals!

Facebook Rife With Hoaxes

February 7th, 2013 at 5:09 pm by Mark
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It never fails. You like and repost some emotionally charged story on Facebook, and it turns out to be a complete hoax…

In 1986, Peter Davis was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.  On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.  As carefully as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.  Peter never forgot the elephant or the events of that day.  Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over near to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while starting at the man.  Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help but wonder if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, kiling him instantly.  Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.  This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming, bullshit stories.