I’ve got a booger on my finger and I’m looking around my office and I don’t see any kleenex.  Dammit.

“Stick it to the bottom of your chair and flick it off later”, says the little voice.

“Ok”, I say out loud only to find out… Ick – there is other shit down here.  What the hell!  Are they mine?

Probably.

As this seems to be a recurring issue I can’t imagine that I am unique to this experience.  So I dare you to run your hand under your chairs around your house or in your cars.  It is a safe bet you’ll hit crunchy, flakey, dried up pieces of snot somewhere.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying they are yours, but that may not be your thing either.  Maybe you prefer to snort them back and then choke on it as it slides down your throat bouncing back and forth along the walls of your esophagus.  HAACHCHOUGH!!  And then again, maybe you have a spit cup that you use.  Or maybe, just maybe, you aren’t as lazy as I am and you’ll go get something from the bathroom just across the hall.

Anyways, I’ve solved one of my problems.  Now all I have to figure out is: how the hell did I get this shit on my shoe…

Today I decided to do some experimenting.

That right there should scare you.

The last time I decided to do some experimenting I chose to see if a stream of piss could hit a piece of lint floating harmlessly down towards the toilet from somewhere around my shoulders.  As the airflow dynamics of a stream of piss proved: you can’t.  Or at least I didn’t.

So, let’s just say that the loss of my shirt and pants was nothing compared to the loss of bathroom privileges at this one particular friends house.

Anyways.

Today I decided to take a shit while jerking off.

The act of writing that last sentence was almost as difficult as the actual act so let me repeat it:

“Today I decided to take a shit while jerking off.”

Now some of you are like “Ewwwww, gross!”, others are like “Huh?”, and then there are those of you who are like “So the fuck what?” and to them I say:

I wasn’t in a bathroom.

     While Sam focuses on hard news and editorial, I will continue to … Not.

     Back in the early days of a fully public Internet, alone came The Gallery of Foreign Rectal Objects (now defunct) to fill the void of the disgusting.

     These days, there are sites like RankShit, and they’re not for the squeamish.

     While the site isn’t specifically “not worksafe,” I’m sure employers would ask, “Why did you go there?  What is wrong with you?”

     Of course, the creators the site, when asked why they put it up, gave the following response:

You know – we really don’t have an answer for that right now. Check back with us later.

     Of course, that makes about s&#@ for sense, doesn’t it? 😉

     Although, I’m sure the people submitting pictures could use the talents of this guy…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkzSnwAgIa8