At 5:00AM on this particularly and unseasonably wet-cold morning, a solid half-million people were on the roads in Knoxville, TN in search of elusive, and oft-sold-out, rock-bottom prices for their Holiday gifts in the shopping phenomenon known as Black Friday.
Fortunately, this blogitude.com staff member was there to make fun of them.

     After scanning the Gamestop Black Friday Deals website and finding nothing that couldn’t have been purchased for the same, or slightly less, cost at Walmart up to six months ago, I visited two local Gamestop locations to find masses of people lined up in front of the store, huddling together in the cold, attempting to keep warm.  Unbeknownst to them, their waits would be rather long, as Gamestop didn’t open at 5AM, or even 6AM, as it did in many other areas.

     As there was clearly nothing special to be found, I decided to attempt another ruse to get a great deal from Gamestop.  At 5:20AM, I stood in the parking lot and yelled, “Playstation 3 sucks!” loudly.  The response was only minimal, but overwhelmingly positive, in fact.  Apparently everyone knows that Playstation 3 sucks, and I thought that perhaps it might be best to try another location to scour for a Gamestop deal.

     At location two, the crowd was a bit rowdier.  And so, at 5:45AM, I yelled, “Playstation 3 sucks!” as loudly as possible.  Unfortunately, this resulted in a good-natured, “Hell, yeah!” and a few people raising their hands and shooting invisible laser guns in the air, complete with sounds effects.
     After scouring other stores in the area for Black Friday malady, I decided to return to Gamestop at 6:12AM to find an even larger crowd gathered in front of the business.  Since my logic had failed in insulting the Playstation 3 (I won’t insult the Xbox 360), I decided to try another tactic.

     “Jean-Luc Picard is a fag!” seemed to be the magic phrase.  The Gamestop employee guarding the front door (easily identified by the rockstar-groupie style badge hanging around his neck) zinged a white Xbox 360 Wireless Controller at me, clearing a distance of nearly twenty feet!  Who said spending the majority of your life pushing buttons on a gaming controller doesn’t count as physical activity?
And so, I returned home happy, with yet another Xbox 360 Wireless Controller, courtesy of Gamestop!  What an incredible Black Friday Deal!

     Black Friday Shopping like this makes it all worth it.  Yes, it’s the one on the lower left.

     Please note that when taking advantage of this deal, your choices of controllers may be limited.  Controller may have minor-to-medium cosmetic damage.  Controller may or may not have a battery pack, whether standard or rechargeable.  Gamestop is not responsible for any medical bills directly or indirectly caused by taking advantage of this deal.  Other restrictions may apply, so please check your local Gamestop store!

     When I rarely use Twitter, it’s pretty much only to toss out a sarcasm bomb or draw some minor attention to something not entirely unlike this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN2HAroA12w

     …which is, of course, kinda like saying, “I own, and play, an Xbox 360.  But I’m too cool for Gamestop.”

     Which … I am …

     I’m not trying to be arrogant, but jeez Louise… I can’t stand GameStop!  As a matter of fact, I’ve found that I have a deep-seated resentment for the entire establishment.

     This afternoon’s visit even more strongly reinforced that resentment.

     I went into several different locations — in several different states — before Christmas looking for a particular gift which was “soon to be released” instead of “in stock now!” as their advertisements said, and that kinda ticked me off, anyway.
     But that’s not what this rant is about.  In fact, it’s far more pointed — and perhaps more personal — than that.

     Now, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that all GameStop employees are idiots, because that’s not true.  There are Accountants, Franchise Owners and Managers (more on them later) who might be associated with any given location and who may be, by all accounts, “normal.”  I can’t say the same of the Ad people, because Ad people are pretty much abnormal anywhere they’re employed — and they’re not the reason I dislike GameStop.  Even with the “in stock now!” garbage…

     No, the thing I hate about GameStop?

     It’s the regular employees, of which there are at least eight at any given location.

     At first, you think they’re just black-shirted customers, running around the store acting like idiots, hiding behind the displays yelling, “Bee-owp!  Bee-owp!” as they pretend to shoot at each other with invisible implements of destruction.
     “Can I help you find anything?” they’ll eventually ask.
     “No,” you reply.  “This is a pretty small store.”

     Immediately, six of them begin dodging their invisible lasers, screaming, “Bee-owp!  Bee-owp!” again.

     At some point, the seventh employee will run out from the back, ripping the latest firearm-style controller (for the latest mega-cool platform!) from out of its protective box, screaming, “Bee-owp!  Bee-owp!” at his invisibly armed compatriots.

     Upon closer inspection, you’ll notice their tell-tale GameStop employee ID’s, which, instead of being pinned to their shirt, hang from around their necks like they’re roadies guarding the back-stage of a Metallica concert.  Only, they listen to Europop Techno…
     In fact, the only thing they have in common with the “cool” guys they’re trying to emulate is the fact that they’re like … forty.
     The “younger,” eighth employee (a mere thirty-years-old) feverishly slaves away behind the cash register, his penance for being “so much younger” and “less cool” than his elder brethren.

     The Manager is always in the back, pulling his hair out.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the balls to control his motley crew — yeah, not the band — of prepubescent middle-agers and attempt to set things right.  Instead, he comes to help customers at the cash register because he just can’t have his employees arguing with customers about those damn ads…
     He leaves the store at 10PM, gets home at 10:15PM, and is drunk by 10:30PM.  His wife screams at him incessantly, and he just can’t handle it any more.
     You just know that at any moment, some proverbial needle will hit the floor, breaking the silence like cannon fire, and our mild-mannered Manager will suddenly become Michael Douglas in “Falling Down.”  (Perks of the job — he scarfed that movie from out of the Used DVD bin last Thursday, and watched it while getting wasted on Peach Schnapps and Mountain Dew.)

     Maybe there are normal GameStop stores in the world.  Maybe all of their counter staff aren’t overgrown, pimply-faced, forty-year-old virgins who are sadly content to live in their grandmother’s basements pretending to be part of Vader’s 501st Stormtrooper Legion, Klingon Commander Haktarr, or Yoric the Hill Giant Slayer.

     I just haven’t met them yet, because I am way too cool for GameStop…

     And don’t even get me started on Starbucks…