Posts Tagged with "nuclear"

Breaking Satire: Israel Pummels Gaza, Obama Pummels English

January 2nd, 2009 at 6:40 pm by Mark
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     Prior to their bombing run in Gaza on New Years Day, Israeli miltary telephoned many residents warning of the impending attacks.  Leaflets dropped in eastern Gaza, sonic missles used as auditory warnings, and soldiers mounting at the borders should have made the attack no surprise.  However, in typical fashion, these warnings were paid no mind, and the resulting devastation has led to a hornet’s nest of anti-Israeli and anti-US sentiment.
     “When you stand in front of a moving train where the conductors are continuously flashing the lights and blowing their steam horns, whose fault is it, really, when you get run over?” asked Sam Kelter, legal and political correspondent at

     The surgical strike by Israel was largely successful in Gaza, where a militant mosque and more than twenty homes were leveled, homes which reportedly housed Hamas leaders, militants and weapons.  In addition, Hamas militant leader Nizar Rayan, his four wives, and ten of his twelve children were killed, dealing a significant blow to the Hamas power structure in the region.

     Gaza health officials claim more than seventeen hundred are wounded at present.  The United Nations claims that up to twenty-five percent of the dead may be civilians, while Hamas actually verifies that around fifty-percent of its security forces are deceased, along with as many as twenty-five children.  Whether or not these children were in Hamas homes is still unknown.

     The present death toll includes around four hundred people, four thousand sheep, seventy five dogs, twelve monkeys, six geese a-laying, and an unidentified meat puppet which may have been used in a Quiznos commercial.  No cats were injured during the bombing.

     Asked to comment on the situation, upcoming President Barack Obama replied, “Umm, yes, and, umm, I plan, umm, to address, umm, this situation, ummm, when we, ummm, you know, umm, January, ummm, by the end of the, ummm, by tax season.”
     It seems that our only hope of a diplomatic resolution to the situation may be in the verbal skills of future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, whose previous statements regarding the War on Terrorism were, “I will not rule out the nuclear option.”

DC and Terrorism

February 13th, 2003 at 1:24 pm by Mark
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Supposedly, something’s gonna explode today in DC.  Anti-Missile missiles are positioned all around the area, and firetrucks and police are scrambling like mad in preparation for an impending Biological, Chemical or Nuclear attack — they’re not sure which, but they’re leaning towards Nuclear. 

I never understood the whole “Nuclear War – Be Prepared” mentality when I was a child, and it makes even less sense today.

The majority of my time at Elementary school was spent using an over-abundance of Flag-worship (where we decreed “One nation, under God,” which has been forsaken in the spirit of Political Correctness), and performing all the requisite Fire, Earthquake, Tornado, and Nuclear Drills inspired by “Duck and Cover” cartoons.

“Now you and I don’t have shells to crawl into like Bert the Turtle, so we have to cover up in our own way. First you duck, and then you cover. And very tightly, you cover the back of your neck.”

We all played along, getting down on the floor, underneath our little metal and formica desks, “Indian Style.” Of course, that specific name for sitting on your haunches has been replaced with “cross-legged” in the spirit of Politcal Correctness. The cartoon would continue…

“Remember what to do friends. Now tell me right out loud. What are you supposed to do when you see the flash?”

What we all know now is that if one is lucky enough to see the flash, then their retinas get burned out, and the back of their head just might catch on fire. But in unison, we all sang “Duck and Cover!” like good little Native Americans (in the spirit of Political Correctness — bah!).

Local news is continuing in the same vein of ludicrous paranoia, telling people to build bomb shelters in their homes from Clear Plastic, Aluminum Foil and Duct Tape (supermarkets are sold out of Bottled Water, Hormel Chili with Beans, Spam and Armour Potted Meat Product). I can’t help but make fun —- it’s asinine. They practically guarantee us safety by sealing off a small room in our home with Clear Plastic, Aluminum Foil and Duct Tape.

Anyone should be able to see that it’s silly, but paranoia most always prevails. It’s easy to imagine that in the event of an Earthquake, which could easily be mistaken for a Nuclear explosion, five million DC-area residents could be dead due to suffocation in their home-made “bomb shelter.”

“Duck and Cover” was fun. It was a silly, simplified cartoon that made the Nuclear threat seem not so bad. It empowered us to allay our fears, because we knew full well that if we did exactly like Bert the Turtle, we’d survive and be home in time to watch the 4PM cartoons.

This new information by the likes of ABC, CBS and NBC-network affiliates (we already expect this sort of silliness from Fox, so I didn’t include them in the list) is also fun. It’s a great dose of sarcastic humour when we know that the only solution is to “Sit down, put your head between your legs, and kiss your ass goodbye!” And regardless of whether we follow their instructions or not, we don’t have to worry about missing the 4PM cartoons these days — Cartoon Network guarantees us 24 hours of uninterrupted fun.

I prefer to watch it while sitting Indian-style.

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