Posts Tagged with "reviews"

Book Review: What Does the Fox Say?

January 2nd, 2014 at 5:47 pm by Mark
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This was so abhorrent, I’ll just link to my Amazon Review:

First, I’ll put it succinctly:

WORST. TOILET PAPER. EVER.

Now, if you’re still reading, fine, I will expand that by saying, this totally usurps my previous “worst toilet paper ever!” review, which was Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight boxed set that I bought the woman I was happily married to for a short time. One star is too much for it! I’d give it NEGATIVE ONE BILLION STARS because it chaffed my ass worse than the John Wayne, “True Grit” toilet paper that I bought back in the 70’s.

For now, thanks to this product and the very stiffness of the paper, I have a multicolored hemorrhoid the size of large marble which requires hourly attention. From here on out, I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to experiment with any additional forms of toilet paper EVER AGAIN!

That’s right — from here on out, I’m sticking with Cottonelle!

Well deserved, like the review of the video.

"What Does the Fox Say?" by Ylvis

Hat Tip: The now very happily-married-and-raising-a-famly, Laura Lee. Congrats, girl!

Viral Book Reviews: How To Avoid Huge Ships

December 29th, 2013 at 5:09 pm by Mark
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I’ve never read this book, but the Amazon reviews are nothing short of fascinating.

Instructions too complicated, December 28, 2013
By Eric Post

Instructions too complicated. Got my dick caught in a ceiling fan. I would not recommend this book, except as firewood.

I truly hate it when any book causes me to get my manhood trapped in a ceiling fan.

"How To Avoid Huge Ships" by Captain John W. Trimmer

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Best Worst Mascara Review Ever

February 16th, 2013 at 12:15 pm by Michelle
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Ever left your most prized, expensive mascara in the car overnight during the summer or winter? Similar effect…

POST OF SHAME.  albinwonderland: "I'm really mad so lemme just put this psa out into the world. DO YOU SEE THIS MASCARA? THIS MASCARA IS CALLED MAYBELLINE THE ROCKET VOLUME EXPRESS. I WENT TO GO BUY MASCARA THE OTHER DAY AND THIS SHIT WAS ONE DOLLAR CHEAPER THAN MY USUAL MASCARA (rimmel sexy curves) SO I BOUGHT IT (because I'm a fool of a took) AND I COULD WRITE SONNETS ABOUT THE WAYS IN WHICH IT IS TERRIBLE. THE BRISTLES ARE ODDLY SHORT AND DON'T CATCH YOUR LASHES PROPERLY EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE RUBBER OR PLASTIC OR SOME PINE NEEDLE SHIT. IT CLUMPED ALL OF MY EYELASHES IMMIDIATELY UPON IMPACT AND THEY WOULDN'T SEPARATE EVEN USING AN EYELASH COMB. IT WOULD NOT COME OFF. AND NO IT IS NOT THE WATERPROOF KIND BECAUSE I CHECKED FOR THAT BEFORE AND AFTER BUYING IT. I USED MAKEUP REMOVER TWICE, CLEANSED MY FACE WITH THE STRENGTH OF GASTON, TONED LIKE OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN IN THE 80'S, AND STILL HAD OPAQUE BLACK STREAKS DOWN MY FACE. YOU KNOW HOW YOU BUY MASCARA AND YOU'RE SO EXCITED TO USE IT AND THEN THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT'S LIKE THE HEAVENS OPEN UP AND LITTLE CHERUBS FLOAT DOWN FROM PEARLESCENT CLOUDS AND KISS YOUR EYELASHES GENTLY AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AND THAT BEYONCE HERSELF HAS NODDED AT YOU AND WHISPERED "FIERCE"? USING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME WAS MORE LIKE POOPING IN A PUBLIC TOILET. ON A SCALE OF ONE TO HORRENDOUS I WOULD GIVE IT ELEVEN MILLION STARS.  IM MAD!!!" arkhamsiren: "this is the best review of any product ever"

New BIC Pens No Good for a Man

January 30th, 2013 at 5:40 pm by Mark
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Now available with the US — with some amazing satire, to boot. I won’t be purchasing them, of course, because I don’t want to be a unicorn (see link).

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Review: Sony BDP-S370/BDP-S37 BluRay Player

December 17th, 2010 at 3:28 am by Mark
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After making a decision given the astoundingly low price of the Sony BDP-S370/BDP-S37 BluRay Player, I felt that it was time that someone gave it a fair and balanced review.

The box that the player comes in is a marketing marvel. Instead of the same-old, tried-and-true, three-color reisograph packaging that other manufacturers use, Sony invested heavily in a UV-coated, graphical design: it sported a full-color, artistic outer layout suitable as a full page advertisement in most any magazine. The exotic brunette with her “come hither” eyes, the elegant looking player spotlighted, along with multiple, large icons, with small text, to display the player’s capabilities made the box look more like an interactive Web page rather than the droll, cardboard covering that it actually was. “WiFi Network Ready!” was proudly displayed as the fourth icon.

Upon cutting the tape from the box, I was astonished to realize that Sony had included RCA, Component and HDMI Audio/Video Cables. An impressive value, which denies salespeople the commission in selling a $5 HDMI cable to unwitting consumers for $40. In addition, there was the added benefit that batteries for the remote were, in fact, included! Yes, Batteries Included, offering the customer a value of up to $1.59USD!

Upon plugging in the power and attaching the HDMI cable to the 1080p Television, the player cycled multiple times and then asked, “Can you see this image?” Of course, there was no way to actually “answer” this question, despite it repeatedly powering off and coming up with it again. There were no instructions regarding this, just as there were no instructions given for setting up the remote to control the RCA LCD TV that the player was attached to. The manual did have a quick reference for the codes you were supposed to enter on the remote, so I was left to assume that this would require the aid of a blind telekinetic from the planet Zargon 23. Or a Japanese Customer Service representative who gave a damn. The likelihood of either seemed pretty low…

Upon going through the rather ironically named “Quick Setup” for nearly twenty minutes, I soon discovered that “WiFi Network Ready” meant that additional Sony products had to be purchased to make this portion of the player function.

Upon plugging in a 25 Foot CAT5e cable (not included) directly from the router to the back of the player, thus creating a tripping hazard across the living room, I was finally presented with the Network options for BD-Live. The screen displayed that it was at Revision 315, and suggested that Revision 695 be downloaded — update One of Nine — and, after around three hours, the player was completely updated.

The featured-filled software load for playing multiple Free- and Subscription-based Internet Video-On-Demand services, as well as supposedly streaming from Windows Media Center, Windows Vista and Windows 7, was impressive. However, the player displayed absolutely abysmal network performance, buffering every 15 seconds even when playing Music or Videos from the local wired network.

Eventually, I digressed that the player was an absolutely stupendous piece of shit, and very carefully placed the player, cables, remote, batteries, manual and shipping materials in “New/Open Box” condition back into the box for some other unwitting rube to stumble upon.

The only good thing about this product is that Sony managed to redefine the term, “WiFi Network Ready,” declaring than any piece of equipment ever made with an RJ-45 Network jack or USB port is WiFi capable, considering that you have to buy at least $80 worth of other shit to make WiFi happen with this device.

But you just know that if it comes from Sony, the box that said extra equipment comes in will be absolutely fucking gorgeous.