Back in February, Robert “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle was arrested and charged for the theft of a pool heater, a few bicycles and other items from a Florida home. He first claimed that the items were curbside, however, later changed his story that it was all a misunderstanding. Doesn’t take a psychic to see where this trail leads. Though, if he needed a psychic, he could steal a smart phone and get SMS Readings from one. Yeah, that’s a thing. Psychic readings over text. If I was as rich/famous/whatever-Vanilla-Ice-is I’d probably start my day with one, just to avoid getting into lawsuits.

Back on topic, unfortunately, I believe this was the same kind of rationalization which led him a to a guilty verdict for plagiarism in a case brought forward by David Bowie and Queen back in the 80’s… Today, Mr. Ice Van Winkle accepted a plea deal that allows him to make $1,300 in restitution to the victims of his theft and perform 100 hours of Community Service with Habitat for Humanity — and stay out of jail. Must be nice being a celebrity…

Now that he’s out of hot water he has a TV show or something where it’s basically Pimp My Ride, but it’s people’s houses instead. I guess building houses for 100 hours was long enough to get addicted to it, because he’s taken to it like a fish to water. And he’s more buff than I remember. It’s worth a watch. Imagine Jersey Shore, Pimp My Ride, and any given HGTV show all rolled into one and you’re pretty much watching it already.

Who would have ever imagined Vanilla Ice, of all people, making something that would last longer than a few weeks (ha ha ice burn)? And it’s all because he couldn’t keep his hands off of other peoples’ things.

There are certainly some stupid thieves around these days…

Tip: Steven at Winextra

While being interviewed by police during booking, it was determined the thief was, indeed, full of shit.

For most thieves, the only sin is stupidity.

I think I need a 12-step program. I have a major problem that, no matter how much effort I put into it, I can’t seem to fix.

Big T comes to my office now and then to visit. One afternoon, he popped by and asked us, “Do you have any string or twine or anything around here. I need about 2 feet of it.”

I, forever and always being the helpful & loving wife that I am, say, “Well baby, I have this left over blue ribbon from the bridesmaid bouquets if that’ll work.”

I toss him the ribbon and think nothing else of it. He says he loves me, gives me kisses and goes on his merry little way.

Fast-forward to 5:15pm, when I get home from work. I come in as usual and Big T gives me my hugs and kisses as I head upstairs to start dinner… when it caught my eye…

That ass-munch had duct-taped the ribbon to his lighter that sits on the end table. The other end of the ribbon was inserted into the slate slabs that make the top of the table. It looked like one of those pens that the bank tries to keep safe by chaining them to the teller spots.

Why would he do such a sarcastic thing?

Because I am Diva. I have a problem. I steal lighters.

Yes, my friends, I’m a kleptomaniac.

I found that I am attracted to steal lighters like a monkey will steal your wallet at the circus. It is bad.

How bad is it, you ask. When Big T asked me to empty my jacket pocket and purse, the lighter count was seven (7). Ooops.

Moral of the story is.. Until I get the proper help, if we’re out drinkin’ together, please (please, please) keep your lighter in your pocket or at least come get it back from me.

Consider this fair warning. I can not be held responsible.