Toys and Philosophy

March 28th, 2007 at 7:17 pm by Zacque
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I recently cleaned out some of my old hard drives and found something I wrote a while ago but never shared.  A little something to think about when things get you down, moonbats drive you nuts, or you are fed up with everything.  

A Simple Analysis of 20th Century Thought:

  • Capitalism, he who dies owns the most toys wins.
  • Hari Krishna, he who plays with the most toys wins.
  • Catholicism, he who denies himself the most toys and little boys wins.
  • Anglican, the boys were our toys first.
  • Atheism, there is no toy or boy maker.
  • Polytheism, there are many toy or boy makers.
  • Evolutionism, the toys made themselves.
  • Church of Christian Scientist, we are the toys.
  • Communism, everyone gets the same number of toys and you are in big trouble if we catch you selling your toys or playing with them.
  • B’hai, all your toys and are fine by us.
  • Amish, toys with batteries are surely a sin.
  • Protesting Moonbatism, war toys are evil.
  • Good Ole Lefty, toys that are violent are to be rounded up and put into camps in order to become nonviolent toys.
  • Taoism, the stuffed rabbit is as important as the dump truck.
  • Mormonism, every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
  • Voodoo, let me borrow that doll for a while.
  • Hinduism, he who plays with plastic farm animals loses.
  • Seventh Day Adventist, he who plays with toys on Saturday loses.
  • Southern Baptist, if your toy is Disney product, you have a one-way ticket to hell.
  • Jehovah’s Witness, he who sells the most toys door to door wins.
  • Pentecostalism, he whose toys can speak wins.
  • Existentialism, toys are a figment of your imagination.
  • Confucianism, once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
  • Non-Denominationalism, we don’t care where the toys come from lets just play with them.
  • Agnosticism, it is not possible to know whether the toys make a bit of difference.
  • Unitarian Universalism, we still have not decided if the toys exist, much less how, where, or who made them.

Isn’t that nice?


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5 Responses to “Toys and Philosophy”

  1. Mark Says:

    I must say, your interpretation of Hare Krishna is completely incorrect — he who ignores that fact he’s ever owed said toys, forgets them posthaste and believes in the fucking flower wins.

    I will use this list, however, to make the most offensive Theology post *EVER*.

    It’s not that I’m against theology, mind you, or philosophy, even. I just feel that, hey, the Hindus had it right: “Call on God, but row away from the rocks.”

    And I will publish the most blasphemous post EVER at some point in the near future…

    Based on this list… 😉

  2. Monty Says:

    Man, you bigot, you left out the Jews and the Muslims! Oh, and the cermonial magician, for whom the toys are mere symbols of the Great Toy, or G:.T:.

  3. Mark Says:

    Ok, fine.

    The Jews say, “You want I’ll buy your toys for sixteen cents?”

    The Muslims says, “Nobody bought us toys because we’re illegitimate Jews!”

    Better? 😉

  4. Monty Says:

    Nah,

    Jewish: “You can only play with toys made with kosher materials and by Jews.”

    Muslims: “You can only play with toys if you are a man, and the toys are made with Halal materials and by Muslims, and on appropriate days set aside by Mohamed for men to play with toys. Women may play with toys alone in their closet, if men let them have them. Women are not allowed to own toys and no one is allowed to enjoy playing with them. All toys are banned in public places. There is not enough room here to list all the rules for toys and their playing. Ask the mullah.”

  5. Zacque Says:

    Didn’t want to spark too much controversy… Firgured I’d let the MOST OFFENSIVE religious post EVER do that.