Some nights, people are up for a bit of self-inflicted boredom and self-abuse which doesn’t require imbibing copious amounts of alcohol and playing six thousand three hundred forty-two games of Solitaire. If you’re one of those people, I suggest you go and see the latest installment of the Harry Potter franchise, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, at your local movie theater.
The movie begins with the main character, Harry Potter (portrayed by the now 40-year-old Daniel Radcliff) standing bloody-nosed next to his “special” friend and mentor, Albus “Gaybeard” Dumbledore. Next, Gaybeard cock-blocks Potter as he finally gets up the cajones to attempt the franchise’s first interracial romance. This repeated cock-blocking continues, as Potter’s best friend Ron Weaseley begins flirting with every girl in the school, including Potter’s only hope of ever getting a piece, Hermione Grainger.
The next seven hours (yes, the film was entirely too long) are filled with droll humdrum, an entirely-too-long game of Quidditch, and a few ridiculous assassinations combined with some rather unspectacular visual effects when compared to the other films. The script itself takes a Star Wars-style detour as Vice Chancellor Snape assists Anakin Malfoy in destroying, err, wait … Well, anyway, yes, Obi-Wan Dumblodore is defeated, but will “only grow stronger.” Whatever.
Hopefully, the franchise will be redeemed with the next film, “Harry Potter Can’t Even Get Laid with a Horcrux.”