Tags: dating, humor, men, sarcasm, women
I’ve been fighting with a lot of “Hurry up and wait!” bullshit lately. I’m fighting with my bank. I’m fighting with random anonymous idiots calling me giving me shit over a woman I haven’t even seen in a year. To think I’d be up for any more would make about as much sense as a submarine on a screen door.
I’ve been observing a lot lately, as well. Watching the wildlife flirt and shoot each other down like crazy. But it seems more and more like Women have the upper hand since I was in the dating crowd… In fact, they’re as bad as I remember guys acting back in the 80′s.
So, for all you guys out there thinking about getting back into the dating scene, here’s a translation guide of the Top 10 things Men Hear that Women Say When Dating.
10. Man hears, “We Need to talk.” Woman means, “I’m gonna talk. You’re gonna shut the fuck up.”
09. Man hears, “I don’t want to have sex.” Woman means, “I don’t want to have sex WITH YOU.”
08. Man hears, “I don’t want to fight.” Woman means, “I’m gonna hurt you, so if your balls mean anything, they better stay more than an arm’s length away.”
07. Man hears, “No, I’m not mad.” Woman means, “In fact, I’m absolutely seething and I’m going probably going to go Lorraina Bobbit on your ass, so don’t fall asleep.”
06. Man hears, “I don’t want any drama!” Woman means, “I *am* the drama!”
05. Man hears, “I’m very family oriented.” Woman means, “I’d *like* to be family oriented, but I hate my family. Can I have yours?”
04. Man hears, “I’m STD free.” Woman means, “Except for the oral herpes, which you’ll find out about in three months.”
03. Man hears, “I’m bi-curious.” Woman means, “I’m gonna fuck a woman whether you’re there or not, because you are male, and therefore SHIT!”
02. Man hears, “Can we just sit down and have a civil conversation?” Woman means, “You sit there and be civil while I berate and call you an asshole, especially if you ask any questions trying to understand the crazy shit coming out of my mouth!”
01. Man hears, “I love you.” Woman means, “OMG, you turn me on…! Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh my god, that was fucking incredible! Now get out…”
Tongue in cheek. Come on, you know some of them were funny. Don’t hate me for my dry sense of humor.
And do keep in mind … results may vary.