Posts Tagged with "conspiracy-theory"

Help for Conspiracy Theorists

January 18th, 2013 at 7:16 pm by Mark
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If you’re now worried terrified about your Cats being spies for the Government, have no fear … The Academy of Conspiracy Theorists can help!

Academy of Conspiracy Theorists: They don't take any chances

Cats: A Government Conspiracy

January 18th, 2013 at 5:05 pm by Mark
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Is it just me, or does this Cat somehow resemble Eva Braun?

"II put a bit of gold tinfoil on my cats head and she just sat there looking terrified until I took it off I couldn't stop laughing omfg i'm such a bad person help" "Cats are controlled by Goverment satellites. You blocked the signal so it shut down."

Looking for Mr. Sandman?

December 9th, 2009 at 11:56 am by Mark
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     I notice a great many people aren’t sleeping.  Everyone keeps looking for the elusive Mr. Sandman.  Even Glenn has complained, blaming Hulu for his lack of sleep.  But no one has considered the fact that I may be behind it all.
     As a rather undelightful pair of asshats have already pointed out, I am Pure Evil™.  It’s okay to say that, because I’m used to it.  That fact was always reinforced by my mother, who claims that I am the Antichrist.  Although, I’m pretty sure Revelations 17:4 says what that makes her… 
     And since someone else pointed out that everything is my fault, I figured I might as well come clean for the sake of conspiracy.

     The fact is, I’m holding Mr. Sandman for ransom until my demands are met.

     My demands are simple, and finite.  First, I need Remastered editions of the complete works of Ella Fitzgerald and The Ink Spots.  Second, I need a the Xbox version of Flashpoint: Dragon Rising.  Third, I need safe passage to London, England, where I have some old business to take care of.

     And lastly, if you all ever want to sleep again, one meeeeeeellion dollars.
     *holds pinky to side of mouth*

     Yeah, not buying it?  Me, either.  I’m just not arrogant enough to even pull that kind of shit.

Outage = Outrage

November 16th, 2008 at 4:08 am by Mark
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     Yesterday, three quarters of Microsoft’s MSN & Live services were up and down for around twelve hours.  There was no news about the incident.

     Tonight, Twitter has had intermittent connectivity, also with no news.

     The Truth Laid Bear, a well-past-its-expiry-date blog ranking site, has had numerous issues for some time with no apparent plans to fix anything:

Access denied for user 'nzbear_ttlb'@'63.247.140.96'
to database 'nzbear_repdb'

     The outage that seems to be causing the most blatant angst for users, however, has occurred on MySpace, where their Applications platform, MySpace Apps, has been down for two days.  While MySpace has left over two hundred million users unable to use the Applications platform with little explanation as to why, users have taken to posting bulletins with everything from conspiracy theories to all out rage against the ad-driven site.  

     The vast majority of MySpace applications are immensely simple, session-based games, most of which are based off of a much more simplified model of the archaic Solar Realms Elite-style BBS games of the early 1980’s.  However, the outrage at being denied the privilege to play these games is very real.  Some users have reported that a Lawsuit against MySpace has closed the applications.  Others have conjectured that it is due to rampant cheating on a points-for-cash system which doesn’t exist.  Some have found more sinister motives, claiming that MySpace’s creator, Tom Anderson, is pulling a coup d’etat against its media mogul owner, Rupert Murdoch.

     Still others blame the spirit of a deceased Tom Anderson as he posts bulletins from the grave, lame-duck President George W. Bush, Lucky the Dog, and an illegal alien named Urinous Hatte, who claims to be from an extra-solar planet in the vicinity of Beta Orionis.

     I would like to address these particular MySpace users directly:

     While MySpace upgrades their OpenSocial platform to v0.8, this leaves many of you with a great deal of free time.  However, this outage has a silver lining.  This is time that could better spent dealing with emotional trauma, finding girl/boyfriends, educating yourselves, raising your children correctly, or any number of other worthwhile objectives which may actually prove that you can do something for your own, or the greater, good.

     In other words:

     Please remove your heads from your asses and get out from in front of the damn computer.

     Thank you, drive through…

A Thoughtful Conspiracy

November 10th, 2008 at 3:08 pm by Mark
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     Lest we forget as we enter the fray of our Brave New World:

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled
was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

     — Charles Baudelaire, “The Generous Gambler”

     Sometimes, you read something that slants reality ever-so-slightly

     It’s a well-laid-out Conspiracy which didn’t do a damn thing for me.  It’s a theme we’re all to familiar with, anyway:
     Liberals accuse Conservatives of “One World Government” while surreptitiously kicking the legs out from under their own argument with their own objectives.  Republicans then attempt to “fix” the situation, all the why claiming that it happened due to a lack of foresight, while kicking the legs out from under their own argument by passing the first proposal to come along.
     They all come together in the middle, and we get screwed in the process.  No big friggin’ news there.

     Actually, the blog did get me thinking.

     But it wasn’t the Conspiracy theory…

     Instead, it was this statement by Dwight Eisenhower that struck me:

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.

     “Knowlegeable citizenry,” schmitizenry… 

A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
George Wald

     For years, we’ve observed that peoples’ attentions spans are short, and their memories even shorter.  A perfect example of this is in the Obama campaign’s vicious attacks against Hillary Clinton, inciting mass hysteria over Sexism, and yet, when she dropped from the race, people forgot… and began blaming Republicans for said sexism, despite the confessions of so many prominent Democrats that it was them all along.

     The afforementioned blog was also haven to a quote suitable for a “Duh of the Day” award.  In reference to Obama making promises he has no intention of keeping, and in stark contrast to “knowlegeable citizenry,” someone replied:

No way he’ll bite the hand that feeds.

     I would counter with this, further showing that our memory has been disrupted for a good century and a half:

You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
Abraham Lincoln 

     “Honest Abe” fooled a Hell of a lot of people, promising during his campaign and subsequent inauguration that it wasn’t his job to outlaw slavery, nor would he, as it was the right of each and free man to draw their own conclusions.  It was those statements that got him elected, but what did he do afterwards?
     Yes… He bit that hand pretty hard.
     Regardless of The Emancipation Proclamation’s forward-thinking and status as a defining document in our Nation’s history, the very nature of its passage is still a matter of great debate and conjecture.  There are many people, both black and white, who consider that our History books are incorrect, claiming that the Proclamation was nothing more than a political ploy designed to disable the ability of the Confederacy to operate autonomously.
     To a very large degree, it worked.  However, it was also the reason for Lincoln’s untimely demise, thus proving his own theory to be correct… You can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

     Back to the point, please show me a Politician who doesn’t bite the hand that feeds…

     Everyone knows that you can tell when Politicians are lying because their lips are moving.

     I almost said, “his lips,” but I didn’t want to come off as “sexist.”  *smirk*