You’re Right… It’s My Fault

November 15th, 2009 at 12:52 am by Mark
Tags: , , , , , ,

     Right now, I’m just reflecting a little about how everything is my fault.  You see, for whatever reason, everything is my fault.  There are different reasons for it being my fault, but it usually revolves around the fact that I have a penis.
     This all started when I was a born.

     Being a rather healthy newborn didn’t help matters.  You see, it was my fault my mother had such a difficult labor.  It was my fault, too, that she ended up married to my father.  In fact, it was also my fault when she was tired, when she was sick, and even when it was just too damn gloomy outside.
     Now, you know for certain that this crap we’ve called weather for months in East Tennessee is all my fault.  Because I can control the weather.  Seriously, you know, I am a minor Weather deity.

     Apparently, when someone I don’t know calls me up screaming and yelling at me, it’s my fault.  A few years ago, Bellsouth hooked me up with this great telephone number, 865-544-5750.  The reason I post this is because, ya know, it’s published in about one hundred fourty-four thousand places as the number to the Knox County Public Library, not including every book that’s ever passed through their doors, and the fact that the number changed ten years ago.
     You see, I was just screwing with people when I told them I wasn’t really the Library.  Yes, asshat, you owe $6958.42 in late charges for the book you didn’t return in 1963.  I know this because it’s my fault you dialed the number without checking in your telephone directory.       It’s my fault because I am the Library.

     It’s my fault when some guy who wants to bone my girlfriend starts harrassing both of us to no end.  It’s my fault when he makes up an elaborate story about how I came to his house to beat the crap out of him and he’s afraid for his life.  It’s my fault.
     Apparently, when I’m sitting on a plane and half way across the country, I have the ability to make people do really stupid crap like make up stories.  And when I land at DFW Airport for a layover, it’s my fault that he’s calling the police right then.
     You see, I have this effect on people I’ve never met.  I can be in two places at once and control people with my mind.

     It’s my fault, too, that someone finally decrypted a password on one of my old computers.  I didn’t have a chance to wipe it before they took it from me, and, well, you know.  I planned it all.
     I planned, a year later, for them to start sending Yahoo messages to anyone who sent me a message, digging to see whether or not I was screwing them.  I also planned for them to use the Desktop SMS App and start sending text messages to random bloggers.  And I intentionally didn’t change my phone number just so this could happen.
     It’s my fault, because I’m a sociopath who can plan things down to the miniscule detail, just to screw with people for no apparent reason.

     It’s my fault, when two people who were trying their damndest to get me to do something I didn’t wanna do pop up a year later with phone calls and threats.  You see, by not having sex with these two — well, yeah, hot — women who threw themselves at me, because my heart and body belonged to someone else, I’m a complete asshole.
     Because you know, I am God’s gift to women, and the biggest player ever.  Totally.  I just make women want me by not doing a damn thing and telling them to go away.  It’s all my fault that they don’t take their medication and fuck off like rational people.

     Meanwhile, 378 people in the background are yelling, “Mark!  You need to get laid!”  And right now, I’m starting to agree.  That’s my fault.  Because I’m human.
     Amazingly, I know that if there were 100 women in the room who wanted to, I would end up with the one who’s more fucked up than a football bat…

     And that’s my fault, too… because when I see somebody who’s hurt, I give a damn…

     I’m sorry.  I just suck like that.  My fault…

     And just for that … I’m gonna make it rain again!  You’ll see, you bastards!

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7 Responses to “You’re Right… It’s My Fault”

  1. fracas Says:

    Since that’s actually how and why I met you… (’cause it was your fault Anna Nicole had a baby) I agree, everything is your fault. It’s your fault I’m not bat-shit popular like dooce; it’s your fault the weather here is too fraccing cold for my liking; it’s your fault I got a hernia last year; it’s your fault that dumb Mya chick is getting all the perfect scores on DWTS; it’s your fault I have another damn headache today and it’s even your fault that I didn’t know I was going to be fracas years ago when someone else registered so now I can’t have it even though their site is stupid and they don’t even update it.

    So… what’re you going to do about all of this Mark? ‘Cause you know… if your damn penis is powerful enough to cause all that trouble in *my* world, your damn penis should be powerful enough to fix it too.

    Thank you for your prompt attention to my (oh-so-tragic) problems.

  2. Mark Says:

    Sure, I’ll make it rain on them.

  3. fracas Says:

    Your damn penis is going to make it rain on all of those problems of mine? In Canada, we don’t call it rain when it comes out of a penis, but let’s see if it could still work…

    Mya – okay, sure.
    Dooce – hey, why not?
    The weather – go for it, but it might freeze…
    People who bought and don’t use it – Definitely… ‘rain’ away!

    But, umm… my head and my hernia (which was fixed but still annoys me sometimes)?

    Maybe not. I’m not terribly into that. Can you think of some other solution?

  4. Wildcat Says:

    I agree! You need to get laid, that always solves everything 😉

  5. Mark Says:

    Really? Wow. I wouldn’t know. Seems to me all it does is fuck everything up. Just like last November after court.

  6. Wildcat Says:

    I think if with the right person?

  7. fracas Says:

    Okay sure, that seems like a fair solution for you two… nevermind the rest of us for whom Mark has really messed everything up for… we can just live with the results of his mayhem….

    Carry on… we’ll suffer it out…

    ; – )