A few months ago, I was using a urinal in a public restroom, minding my business. As I zipped and turned, some idiot, for reasons still unknown, swung a punch — and missed. I quickly used the momentum of his failed blow to spin him and throw him down hard. I held his face to floor for several minutes, all the while explaining the reason this was a bad idea. Eventually, he said, “Uncle” and I pulled my knee from under his shoulder blade.
With tears streaming down his face (which, considering his aggressive condition, may have been more to do with several minutes of close proximity to years of stale urine and industrial strength floor cleaner than actual pain), he proceeded to leave the establishment.
Although he apologized to me and several other patrons for the trouble he’d caused, he did scream, “F#$* you all! I’m never coming to this place again!” exactly one second before exiting the building. This is expected behavior from an aggressive asshat.
Apparently, said asshat had already caused a lot of problems. Some of the regulars, who had observed the last portion of the short-lived melee, found the situation altogether hilarious. It wasn’t long after that I was sitting at the bar (no one would find that shocking) drinking an on-the-House pitcher of beer.
We laughed, discussed, and I was accepted as “part of the family.” Eventually, the subject of our banter became “restroom etiquette.”
Maybe it is an aspect of the litigious society, or maybe it is a notion that all problems are solvable. Maybe it is pansy ass hand holding and a Baby Boomer golden tit ideal of protecting children from any sort of negative anything. Whatever the motivations, let us please stop with Blaming and Fixing.
The news is geared toward trying to pin blame on all sorts of people. Not the perpetrator usually, but their parents, police, school officials, you name it. And then all sorts of Baby Boomers begin trying to prevent the incident from ever happening again. As though they could. They spend millions putting fences around Interstate overpasses so they can imagine no one can throw a rock off it any longer. They put a rent-a-cop with a gun in every school. They make us all take off our shoes and toss our banana creme pies in the trash at the airports. Worthless. The only value is for some smug Baby Boomer to feel like they “did something” and “if it saves one life, it’s worth it.” Bullshit. I’d rather let that one person die than make 350 million people take off their shoes. And I’d rather spend that $100,000 a year on education than a hall monitor with a gun. It is not worth it. Sure, if it is your kid harmed it is worth it, but it isn’t your kid. It isn’t anyone’s kid. It never happens. But that cop makes them imagine they have stopped it. They feel like they are doing something.
If only we just spent the money on Baby Boomers’ therapy bills instead. Stop with the over-protective crap! You are raising a nation of cry-babies and Momma’s-boys! Now repeat after me:
“Shit happens.”
Try fixing it with toilet paper instead of a butt plug. And keep your damn butt plug away from my asshole Senator! And stop eating different foods. It still stinks. Deal. Idiot.
