Great Napkin Shortage of 2007

March 26th, 2007 at 1:24 pm by Mark
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     It’s no small surprise that I eat a lot of fast food.  I wake up at 5AM, start working and pretty well don’t quit until some time in the evening.  McDonald’s for breakfast, maybe Wendy’s for lunch and anywhere for dinner.  But in all of that, I don’t get napkins unless I ask for them, the usual reply being a sulky, eye-rolling, “Here!”  Most of the time, I don’t notice until I’m already back on the Interstate.

     It’s seriously impossible to eat a Wendy’s triple with cheese without napkins, unless you’re one of those weirdos who enjoys being covered in grease.  It takes at least four napkins.  McChicken?  One napkin.  Double Whopper?  Two napkins.  Arby’s Beef & Cheddar?  One.  Add barbecue and Horsey Sauce?  Three.
     But do they put any in the damn bag?  Not in 2007.

     It changed fast, too.  Right on up to New Years Eve, there was no shortage of Napkins.  I’d have thirty or forty in every bag.  But sharply on January first, that sort of excess stopped.

     The Napkin Shortage has been stressful not only for food-covered consumers, but for the drive-up workers themselves.  One incident of a worker’s traumatic stress, at Wendy’s on Emory Road, particularly stands out.
     “Can I get some napkins, please?” I asked.
     The girl rolled her eyes, huffed and slammed the window shut.
     Eventually the Manager came to the window.  “Is there a problem with your order, sir?”
     “I’d just like some napkins, please.”
     “Can you please pull up, sir?”
     “Why?  I’d just like some napkins, please.”
     “Ok, well, if you’ll pull up, someone will bring you some.”
     Pull up … For napkins?
     It apparently took several minutes to locate a napkin.  When the girl finally came out — nearly ten minutes later — she brought one napkin.
     “Uhhhh, sorry, but I need at least two, please,” I said.
     She huffed, rolled her eyes, and stormed back inside, never to return.

     The most common Moonbat Conspiracy Theory dictates that this Napkin shortage was caused due to McDonald’s bringing back the McRib, causing a tenfold increase in the use of fast food napkins.  They claim that this move was a way to crush the competition by consuming all of the napkins meant for use at other fast food chains, so that McDonald’s would be the only place to have any.  However, this Theory is easily discredited due to the facts that other fast food chains have different colored napkins, and McDonald’s themselves are affected by this blight as well.
     Other conspiracies abound, some more radical than others.  Typically, President George W. Bush gets blamed for this shortage by liberals.  The Knights of Ku Klux Klan blame illegal immigrants.  And, of course, the Neo-Nazi Skinheads blame the Jews.

     As consumers, however, the best thing that we can do is remain vigilant in the face of this adversity, and hope that shortage will end soon.

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3 Responses to “Great Napkin Shortage of 2007”

  1. Monty Says:

    Not putting a napkin in the bag is annoying. It’s picky at an absurd level. But I am far more upset with the new McDonalds plan to control your coffee additives. If you order coffee, they tell you they will add the cream and sugar for you, as though they are doing you a favor. Nobody buys that bullshit. We know they no longer trust us with the cream and sugar because we are wasteful retards and will spill it or something. Puh-lease.

    So, I make sure and ask for 20 sugars, and 10 creams. Screw them. If they won’t trust me to handle my own sugar and cream, I will ask for more so I can throw it in the trash and they will have to waste employee time dealing with me and the whole shebang costs them more money.

    Of course, employee time and customer attitude isn’t something the bean counters can tabulate, so they will see a victory as sugar costs go down. Meanwhile morale goes down and customer happiness goes down.

    Turds. I hope they choke.

    I now always go down the street to Sam’s restaurant on Broadway. 2 eggs, any way, cooked fresh, 2 bicuits and gravy, made fresh, bacon and sausage, hash brown and coffee with freakin cream and sugar for $5. Eat that McDonald’s! How is it fast food costs more than real food now anyway? They have flipped everythign upside down…


  2. Fracas Says:

    Well I’m doing ok because I was a smartie pants and have stockpiled the napkins along with the rest of my emergency supplies. You know, just like those smart LDS’ers, Canada has been advising people to do the 72 hour thing and stock up in case of emergency/disaster.

    Having three kids, I would just naturally know that a lot of napkins would be necessary so we’re doing ok right now. I’m just sick with worry about the rest of you folks though and I too, hope this devastating shortage ends soon.

  3. Fracas Says:

    So Mark… how come my photo doesn’t show up even when I’m logged in to my WordPress account when I comment here?

    Not that it’s the end of the world for anyone to not see my picture, but really, I think I’m just a tad better looking than that honkin’ old question mark.