Author Archive for Mark

After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnetâ„¢ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy. Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.

Cats: A Government Conspiracy

January 18th, 2013 at 5:05 pm by Mark
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Is it just me, or does this Cat somehow resemble Eva Braun?

"II put a bit of gold tinfoil on my cats head and she just sat there looking terrified until I took it off I couldn't stop laughing omfg i'm such a bad person help" "Cats are controlled by Goverment satellites. You blocked the signal so it shut down."

Food Fight

January 17th, 2013 at 7:59 pm by Mark
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Could have pulled a Gallagher and crushed him with a watermelon…

My friend thinks he's smart.  He said onions are the only food that make you cry.  So I threw a coconut at his face.

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Pregnant Again?

January 16th, 2013 at 9:50 pm by Mark
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Mom apparently has more than enough grandkids…

"MOM! I'm pregnant again, it must be something in the air." "Yeah your f*#@ing legs."

Swearing Means You Don’t Have a Vocabulary?

January 15th, 2013 at 5:04 pm by Mark
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Many people object to swearing, claiming that it’s “common” and underscores a person’s lack of vocabulary. On the contrary, I find it profoundly useful for everything from accentuating urgency to emphasizing disbelief, or even futility.

The most prevalent use of “curse words” is in those instances where they posses the fundamental ability to transform an otherwise banal string of words (followed by an exclamation point) into a more honest and heartfelt interjection. In the following example, for instance, the subsequent revision shows us exactly how badly the subject was hurt, as well as giving the reader an emotional attachment to ‘Skip.’

Example Text:

“Ouch!” bellowed Skip.

Revised Text:

“Motherf#@$er!” Skip bellowed. “That f#@$ing hurt like a son-of-a-bitch! What the f#@$, man?!”

As for those who constantly express hateful intolerance to other adults who swear, or condescend them for their usage of this particular category of language, I will only vociferate, “Grow the f#@$ up, or f#@$ off!

"It's cute how you swear because you don't have a vocabulary."  "That's a fucking farcical and erroneous assertion."

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Liquid Water Found on Mars

January 14th, 2013 at 7:54 pm by Mark
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Looks like 4chan beats NASA … Again …

Water on Mars --- /b/: 1  NASA: 0