Ok, I’ve been getting a lot of “weird” comment emails lately, many from women asking bizarre questions about dating, relationships, sex and men in general.  I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to answer them, because quite honestly, some of the questions are pretty uncomfortable.

     I got an e-mail from an ex (like the majority of mine, we’re still friends, or try to be, at times) the other day, talking about her issues with a guy she’s been seeing.  I realized that sometimes it’s difficult to separate the person you know from the person she is now, even it’s been quite a while, but I tried.
     I asked a few friends, “Hey, was this too mean?” and let them read my response.  After I’d already fired it off, of course.

     A few of my female friends adamantly declared, “You should blog that!”

     So … here we go…

     From e-mail:

From: Confused
Date: August 8th, 2007 at 8:07AM

It’s definitely wrong to expect any man to make things better.  That’s something I have to come to terms and deal with … hopefully learn from and move on.  Except …..

You meet a man who’s kind, interesting, humorous and exhibits all these great characteristics. He puts no heavy pressure on you.  You *do* appreciate the effort he’s putting into the relationship and let him know that. 

But then after a while, he gets comfortable/complacent and changes.  The wine and dine/ conversation changes to the beer/ belching/ farting/ cursing and eventually belitting.  Why????  Is it something I caused or was there a sign I should have noticed in the beginning??  In any case, at that point a woman can’t be expected to accept that.

I really don’t think I overanalyze.  I wasn’t expecting anything… It started as  spending time with a friend, and developed into a relationship which I didn’t push at all.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked “tell me you love me”.  If I felt the need to do that, either I’d be insecure in the relationship or in a situation like I was with Mr. Slimebag (I already knew the answer).

You know, I just realized that I’m more upset with being blindsighted than I am with him.  And maybe I’m overthinking a bit because I want to understand why guys do that?

What do guys want???

     Ok, typical thing, right?  A woman breaks up with a guy she’s been seeing, then starts the whole self-doubt and confusion bit…
     But is it ever really that simple?

     There are always two sides to a story… And honestly, in most cases, only half of it makes sense to a guy.

     In cases where “relationships” are going well, sometimes there’s a sudden, gigantic detour into “crazy,” leaving a guy going, “What the f$&* just happened?”
     To me, it’s always ironic, in those situations, when women will come back filled with self-doubt, questioning everything from the relationship to themselves, when that was exactly what caused the diversion to begin with.

     And I’m not saying it’s “always” like that, either… It’s definitely a “sometimes” thing.  It’s just an ironic situation that happens to have been on my mind for about six months.
     So I responded, perhaps a little harshly, and with gigantic generalizations…

     I’ll tell you what guys want … We want someone to be with, to be happy with… Easy … do you really think it’s any more?

     You certainly do the dating persona … showing your best, until you become yourself … I guess you think it’s easier to be yourself once you get to know someone, know that they’re there. 
     I’ve just always been me… nothing more, nothing less.

     You always overanalyze things…

     Your version of “Tell me you love me” is passive-aggressive. “I’m starting to have feelings for you,” “I think about you all the time,” “Would you ever get married again?” “I need you,” “You’re like a drug,” “You’re the only person I can trust,” “I’ve never felt this way before…”
     Those are all pushing towards getting him tell you how he feels.
     Then you get the, “I love you,” which is a hard thing for a guy to admit anyway, and your interest subsides. “You’re obsessive.” “You want more than I want.” “I can’t handle being responsible for your happiness.”
     You can’t be happy … You have to keep asking questions, pushing buttons, and trying to screw things up.

     For guys, it’s different.

     We find a woman — she’s beautiful, she’s demure — and she seems to have her head and her heart in the right place. All wrapped up in a nice little package of sweet and sexy, confident and secure.
     We want be strong for her, so the first thing she does is start showing her emotional side and strokes our ego by appealing to our protective nature.  Then she gets distant as she wrestles with the fact that “I can take care of myself,” “I don’t need anyone else” and starts to pull away.
     Things start to break down.  The more she wrestles with herself, the further away she goes, and the more frustrated we get.  We can only get to know her as much as she’ll show us… And she’s the same woman, but now she’s upset all the time… 
     We keep trying and trying to be strong… but the more she gets upset about every little thing that comes along, the more she pulls away, the harder we try to be there, to make her happy… to help… to fix it…
     And she resents it, begins spouting the typical, “You always want to fix everything!” “Some problems you just can’t fix!” garbage, because she’s terrified to think that someone might be able to look through all her crap and baggage and actually give a damn about her.

     And it’s frustrating as f$&*.

     Somewhere along the line, we get desperate, and start attempting last ditch efforts and ultimatums.  The more she’s around, the more she begins to see our usual nature, along with a new “manic” that we’ve gained from trying to deal with her moods…
     Pretty soon, nothing works.  Every single damn thing we do is an excuse for why, “This isn’t going to work,” regardless of the fact that we never would’ve been like that had she not been so f$&*king fatalistic…

     Okay … sorry … never mind.

     I don’t know what guys want…  *smirk*

     So I asked a few other female friends for input…

     “Oh my God!  That was raw, but not harsh!  Damn, you really understand women!”
     “How can you know all of that?  There’s so much of me in there… That reflects a great understanding of women far beyond anything I’ve ever seen from a man!”
     “Exactly!  Why don’t other guys understand that?”
     “You are brilliant as ever!  You pegged us!”
     “No, you weren’t mean.  You were honest.  You really know women!  Thank you!”

     So, basically, I’m told that I understand women… that I know how they think… and understand why they do things… but hey, if that’s true, then why the Hell do I keep getting screwed over?

     Sorry, but if that shows “great understanding” on my part, then the Universe really is stacked against us… 😉