A few months ago, I was using a urinal in a public restroom, minding my business.  As I zipped and turned, some idiot, for reasons still unknown, swung a punch — and missed.  I quickly used the momentum of his failed blow to spin him and throw him down hard.  I held his face to floor for several minutes, all the while explaining the reason this was a bad idea.  Eventually, he said, “Uncle” and I pulled my knee from under his shoulder blade.
     With tears streaming down his face (which, considering his aggressive condition, may have been more to do with several minutes of close proximity to years of stale urine and industrial strength floor cleaner than actual pain), he proceeded to leave the establishment.
     Although he apologized to me and several other patrons for the trouble he’d caused, he did scream, “F#$* you all!  I’m never coming to this place again!” exactly one second before exiting the building.  This is expected behavior from an aggressive asshat.
     Apparently, said asshat had already caused a lot of problems.  Some of the regulars, who had observed the last portion of the short-lived melee, found the situation altogether hilarious.  It wasn’t long after that I was sitting at the bar (no one would find that shocking) drinking an on-the-House pitcher of beer.
     We laughed, discussed, and I was accepted as “part of the family.”  Eventually, the subject of our banter became “restroom etiquette.”

     Though we did not create this video (the fine folks at Zarathustra Studios did it, using The Sims 2, Sim City 4 and some other cool stuff), many of these same subjects were touched upon…

Drama, drama, drama. Some of us tire of hearing it over and over. However, there are many, many folks out there who do nothing but sit and wait for drama, any drama, to happen.

They feed on what they are fed until a new feeding frenzy starts up.
Honestly, since Monday, how much have you heard about Anna Nicole and her circus of drama?

Not much, huh? Because the new frenzy has started. They’ll run the Virginia Tech angle into the ground until the next huge blog of drama drops into the laps of the media.

It’s not a new deal… to exploit the sorrow, sadness, tragedy of others.

• Diana & Dodi
• JFK Jr. & party
• The D. C. Sniper
• Jennifer “Runaway Bride” Wilbanks

Who cares?? Not me, but apparently lot of folks get sucked into huge drama to escape from their own.

     Over the past year, we’ve been inundated with media reports that our spelling and grammatical skills are becoming worse and worse here in the U.S., thanks, in no small part, to Internet E-Mail and Messaging Services.
     Just to show that we still have a long way to go before calling this a Code Red Spelling Emergency, I’d like to share this e-mail that I quite mistakenly received from someone I don’t know in New Zealand:

From: shirley coromandel
Sent: Sunday

Hei sarp steven hows things goin aye???? yeahhh long tym no ea ehehhe and dat thing b4 sori bout dat ehehhe me aint been a snobb just bus.e hows kura yeiiiiiii finished finalli but dumb exams i got one tommorow,wed and thurs and im goin to d pools today eheheh and study so wats ur cell numb??? sum dik whuk stole ma fone hes in 7th but its alguds got anufa one n better but it dont have bluetooth but it has infered….. well enough bout dat wats ur plans for d holies aye???? im off up norf and prob go karapiro wif marz i myt dunno and stay in auks hows was d ball??? well hala wen eva if u dont alguds wish d best for ur exams frum one n onli shurlee

fRuM: SIL.E

     This just screams “Translate me!” doesn’t it?

     Americans are regularly ridiculed or criticized for using Slang and Abbreviations in every day language, most often by chiding English who like to remind us, “We invented the language!”  Unfortunately, this argument is easily shot down by anyone who’s actually been to London and heard the mish-mash of Anglo; some accents are so strong that people from borough to borough cannot understand one another.

     A few years ago, Phonics were apparently dropped from New Zealand school curriculums.  Though I am unable to find any links to substantiate the fact, I’ve spoken to many teachers from New Zealand who are happy to corroborate.  Others who were from New Zealand have spoken about a news story which aired some time between 2001 and 2003, “Are we causing our children brain-damage by teaching whole word learning?”
     Universities worldwide have published papers about Whole Word Learning, some for it, and some against.  It is a commonly held belief that those who can already read have powerful, parallel processors which, under certain conditions, can read words regardless of the order the letters are in. Beliefs like these were what fueled the following 2003 fad (quite possibly inspired by Graham Rawlinson’s 1999 letter to New Scientist):

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

     But is this any reason at all to cave to the idea that “Spelling is too hard,” and lower our standards?

     According to some people, yes, it is!

     Founded in 1908, the U.K.-based group, The Simplified Spelling Society, believes that English spelling is far too difficult for both English and non-English speakers to learn.  Their website only tells of their more recent history (since 1992), most notably where the Society’s Constitution was bureaucracized and its Ten Axioms of English Spelling were reduced to a mere Six in Committee.  Regardless, their Spelling Reform in Context does make for some rather uninteresting reading.

     More interesting is Samuel Clemens’ (aka Mark Twain) “A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling.”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter ‘c’ would be dropped to be replased either by ‘k’ or ‘s’, and likewise ‘x’ would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which ‘c’ would be retained would be the ‘ch’ formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform ‘w’ spelling, so that ‘which’ and ‘one’ would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish ‘y’ replasing it with ‘i’ and Iear 4 might fiks the ‘g/j’ anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.

Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez ‘c’, ‘y’ and ‘x’ — bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez — tu riplais ‘ch’, ‘sh’, and ‘th’ rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

     How can you argue with one of the greatest American authors of all time?

     On with the translation:

From: shirley coromandel
Sent: Sunday

Hello, Steven.

How are things going with you? It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken. I want to apologize for the way we left things, and let you know that I wasn’t being a snob in not contacting you. It’s just that I’ve been very busy.

Are you enjoying yourself in Kaikoura?

I’ve finished school, but still have exams tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday. But today, I’m going to relax in the hot pools.

What’s your cell number? I’m asking because some [expletive] Senior stole my phone. I’m not so worried about it, though, as I managed to get a replacement. Unfortunately, this one only has Infrared where my other one had Bluetooth.

This weekend, I may go to Lake Karapiro with Meredith, but those plans aren’t definite. I’ll definitely go and stay in Auckland for a while.

How was your party?

Well, again, I apologize for the way we left things. I hope you write back, but I understand if you don’t.

Good luck on your exams!

Your One and Only, Shirley

     Now wasn’t that better?  Why couldn’t this girl have done that before?  Certainly, she should purchase “Morrison’s Sound-It-Out Speller: A Phonic Key to English” ASAP.

     There will always be a few certainties about life and the way any given set of people will react in matters of circumstance.

     The works of many students of Human Behaviour and Modern Psychology, however, can only begin to touch the very surface of what is the human mind. Theories about behaviour, as educated as they may be, as much as they may seem to encompass the widest array of human behaviour, simply don’t.
     Recently, I stood looking at one such student, drunk off his ever-living ass, lying on the concrete, helpless. Being the Samaritan that I tend to be, I addressed him, and offered him a ride home. Rather than answer, he spat upon my shoe and screamed, “Don’t call me Sean!” Many of you can only imagine the urge I felt to kick him senseless…
     So screw you, too, Sean. You’re immortalised here. *evil grin*

     Past that…

     What most of the Jungs and Freuds of the world tried to do was give Humanity a goal — the unreachable state of being “Normal.” But Humanity, being ennobled with the wondrous gift of “free will” which makes us each Individual despite generalisations, breaks down all Sociological Theory at the very level it was intended to represent.

     Many students of this “craft” would disagree. If that’s your opinion, stop reading this now.

     And if you’re still reading, then you either agree, or I’ve ired you so that you feel you must read on. And this, of course, is one of those great Facts about humanity. It’s the same thing that makes the reactionary listen to Howard Stern Radio Show.

     Being flawed never stopped the theories of the book-smart, university-educated Doctors and Therapists from becoming the fad of the latter half of the twentieth century.
     Past the nineteen sixties, as people began to be more open about their Feelings, Drug Use, and Sexuality, psychology and sociology began to boom. Everyone had a problem, you see, as the definition of “normal,” at that time, had been written in the late nineteenth century.
     But at the end of nineteen seventies, the studies had begun an overhaul of sorts. The students of the sixties had gone through the change of society along with everyone else. As they gained their Doctorate degrees and tenureships, they began the follied attempt to redefine the phrase, “Normal Behaviour,” each one with a shadow of themselves within.

     Needless to say, new definitions begat an increasingly chaotic sort of work. All of the Simple Human Truths began to be questioned. And as the rates of violence and atrocity increased throughout the world, proportionate to the ever-growing population, Criminology, a subset of Sociology, began to take hold.

     All of sudden, Sociologists and Criminologist began to dominate the public mindset. From television talk shows to local Community meetings, they were around, giving their two cents about the same society they had spurned in order to take up their study. They were experts, you see, and no one dared to refute them.
     Even bigger than the problem of their withdrawal from society, however, was the simple fact that none of them had anything more than “theory” to work from. And with the help of Mass Media giving marketable credibility to their every unproven whim, the two fields became extremely chaotic.
     Soon enough, it became impossible, even for students in the fields, to decide what was Fact and what was Theory. Being educated, and unwilling to admit that perhaps Humanity was flawed, they began to accept each Theory as fact. Even current Sociological and Psychological textbooks attest to this very principle.

     Much as the Priests and Preachers of religion explained inexplicable scientific principles as the work of a supreme deity, so the Psychologists and Sociologists of the world continued to write their theories and improvable postulates. They all push forward in a vain attempt to explain the flaws in human nature, but few, if any, have the cajones to actually say “Hey, humanity is self destructive, and we’re just as nutty as the average Joe.”

     Perhaps it will come as no surprise that in 2573 A.D., a new church will be formed, having the icons of Saint Sigmund and Saint Carl upon its Platinum-encrusted doors.
     And no one should dare utter the Holy Name of the One True God in vain…

     “Forgive me, Doctor Shover, for I have sinned…”

     That still makes me cringe every time I see it typed.

     And it never fails. You go into an IRC channel, an AOL chat room, telnet to your favourite talker or MUD, or even Usenet and someone who doesn’t know you will most always ask …

how old are you.

m or fem?

     Your initial thought usually gives regard to the lack of capitalisation or punctuation, perhaps even a lack of decent grammar. But then you get over it, often thinking, well, Hell, at least I wasn’t innocently exploring AOL and getting an instant message from BigDick90210…

HOW BIG ARE YOUR TITS.

     Messages of that sort that can be terribly confusing to anyone who is, very obviously, not physically equipped to even answer of a question (or statement, as it may be) of that sort. Unless you enjoy that sort of thing, these people aren’t worth talking to. But… these questions… they’re not that offensive or anything, really… just…

how old are you.

m or fem?

     You start to answer, but then you think about it for a moment, and realise, hey, that’s kind of rude, isn’t it?

     Isn’t it?

     Maybe it’s the way I was brought up. You could talk to strangers a bit when I was a kid; everything wasn’t so dangerous that you were afraid to let children out of your sight. But then, if I had walked up to someone I didn’t know and asked either of those questions, my parents would have given me a good, hard wallop.
     “You don’t ask people how old they are!” my mother told me. “That’s just plain rude!”

     I can’t say that I don’t disagree.

     Still, sometimes I sit there, wonder about it for a moment, and think, “Well, okay, this is a bit silly of me, really. I mean, hey, we’re all chatting here in this space, sometimes for a few days, weeks, whatever … this is somebody I’ll get to know, perhaps. They’re just trying to see what commonalities we have…”
     And then, I usually end up telling them. I just find it odd, I guess, because I rarely, if ever, ask those sorts of questions myself (and never out of context, mind you). Usually, if you pay attention, and you’re a reasonable judge of character, you can get a pretty good sense of who a person is just by idle chat: the things they say, the way they compose themselves during a “conversation” or what have you.
     You assure yourself that it’s only an Internet-related phenomenon. It’s not like they’re walking up to you in public and saying “How old are you?” or “Are you male or female?” In public, they can of things easily (unless it’s someplace like 42nd Street or K Road). They’re being inquisitive online because they can’t see you. The net is free of those kinds of prejudices, for the most part. Of course, there are those who want there to be prejudices like Age and Sex and Where You Live to be thrown in there, but for the most part, the people you meet online are nice enough lots.

     Most times, if the group you’re talking to is within a given area of the world, there might be some sort of get-together where everyone can meet each other, see who they’ve been talking to for all those weeks, months, sometimes even years. Quite a few of them will be inquisitive about what you might look like, considering they’ve imagined, from time to time. Usually, it’s at a local club or coffee house, and everyone sits around, talks, has a few drinks… Nothing major, and it’s usually quite different from the chat rooms. Some people get disappointed initially because someone didn’t look like someone else thought they would or something of that nature, but for the most part, those types of gatherings can be fun, right?
     And it’s usually a bit odd meeting them face-to-face for the first time. But if you’re comfortable with who you are, and you’ve been chatting for some time, it’s no big deal, right? All those questions in the beginning about how old you are, what sex you are, they don’t have any bearing on real life, do they?
     You walk into the assigned meeting place, to the assigned set of tables and look around, realising that these are average Joes, not unlike yourself. There was nothing to worry about, nothing to feel odd about at all. You may even chuckle to yourself a bit about feeling pressured.
     And invariably, someone will turn around and loudly ask…

who are you?

how old are you?

     But back to the problem at hand… The question… How to answer… “Ah, yes. I know,” you think to yourself, grinning slightly.

i’m 83 years old bucktoothed bowlegged and a horrid alcoholic with chronic halitosis. i live in a trailer in BFE and i live to swill beer, watch a broken television set, work on my big red truck with the gunrack in the back and beat my wife. my name’s mark, and it’s nice to meet you.

     “Ahh, yes,” you think. “I’ve outsmarted them now. Now maybe they’ll realise that was an off question and we can start again.”
     It’s only then that you realise the gross error you’ve made. They respond.

hey man it’s nice to meat you i’m kelly and i like to work on pabst blue ribon what do you drink
  .
  .
  .
do you like sex

     “Dammit!” It’s only then that you realise what you’ve gotten yourself into. You finally notice that the first three thousand IRC channels are #!!!!!!!!HORNY_SLUTS, #!!!!!!!!!SISTER_SEX_PICS, #!!!!!!!!!fuck_my_wife and the like…

     “Gods,” you mutter to yourself with despair. “Perhaps there really aren’t any social skills left amongst the Internet geeks…”