I’m a karaoke junkie by nature. Started by accident really. I finished my sentence on the second shift at Rocky Top Farragut and decided I deserved a cold beer and some tasty boneless chicken wings. Across the street I go to BullFeathers… found it interesting to see and hear all the folks trying to sing a song.

It was a few weeks before I’d gathered up the nerve to eek out a song. It was hilarious. I sang Manic Monday by the Bangles. And I sucked wind big time!

So, I wondered if I could sing anything else any better. I told my daddy that I was having so much fun making a complete ass of myself, and he went out and bought me a home karaoke machine with 10 CDs. Go Daddy!

So, I tried me some country. Um, let’s just go with not. I was told I haven’t got enough ‘twang’ in my voice to sing any kind of country. Thank God!!! Diva don’t got no twang!!!!
Scratch country.

So, it’s the B97.5/coffee shop stuff I’ve found I’m pretty good at.
I can sing the devil out of Fleetwood Mac. Diva Nix over here.
Love Norah Jones and any kind of oldie but goodie.

But sometimes, I’d love to have a little more of a brazen streak. I want to belt out something that only a bad-ass-chick would do.

Janis Joplin – Bobby McGee
Joan Jett – Do Ya Wanna Touch
Heart – Magic Man

Not that I’m knocking my easy listening and soft rock talent, but…

Why can’t I be a bad-ass-chick??

From Fox News:

A 35-year-old Orlando man can thank his 300-pound girth for helping save his life after he jumped off a cruise ship and drifted 20 miles for more than eight hours with a collapsed lung before rescuers found him in the Atlantic Ocean.

Regardless whether I knew my fat would float or not, I would not be jumping off of a perfectly fit rowing boat. That’s just lame. But, Michael Mankamyer did it. More than one witness has come around and said that “he jumped”.

Despite reports that he had “fallen” overboard, theoretically there is no way that could happen. It’s not like he was some tiny little thing that just slipped through the safety rail. No. This is a 300 pound fella.

Now, if you’ve seen the picture of this guy, the story might be explained. He just looks like that kind of goofy, attention-whore who will do anything to be in the class clown and/or the center of attention. You know, the college buddy who always got tanked before midnight and by half past, he was hanging naked from the roof of the frat house.
Jeez, buddy. Couldn’t ya have just talked all of your pals into a bad night of drinking and karaoke?

That’s it. I’ve made a snap decision to stop dieting and to stop going to the gym and follow tips from this page.
So, if on my honeymoon, I get tanked and take a wrong turn and fall off a big old rowing boat, I’ll be able to float around until they come back to find my fat behind.

He’s just lucky the Pirates weren’t out and about or he would have gotten so dunked for nothing more than being less than genius.

From The Week:

A convicted terrorist and murderer who was released from prison last month is suing a German tabloid—for calling her a terrorist and a murderer. Brigitte Mohnhaupt, 57, served 24 years in prison for nine murders she helped carry out in the 1970s as a key member of the Red Army Faction, a leftist terrorist group.

This poor chick. She spends 24 years in the German poke. I mean, she only took out nine folks when she was part of the Red Army Faction, right? As if it isn’t sad enough when one ends up spending all of one’s prime years in prison. But to get out, and to be ready to try to move on to a new life, say one where she can peddle Mary Kay products, only to find that the media is making fun of you for being such a sucky terrorist.

I mean, her ego must be completely shot. So, she decides to sue the rag that’s “defaming” her reputation as a kick ass terrorist, not a sorry excuse for one.

Sorry sister. You’re an idiot. Put your big girl panties on and handle it!

Once in while (wink, wink) I’ll hear, see or read something that just gets my panties all in a wad.

I have several ‘sore subjects’, but the one that makes gets my dander up more than anything is the fat people of the world looking for something to blame it on. PLEASE.

As one who has struggled for just shy of one year to lose damn near 70 pounds, I can tell ya this:

• No, fat is not genetic
• No, you don’t have big bones
• No, you can’t lose weight by starving yourself or taking pills.

Fat people are fat because they have not made the decision to motivate and get moving.

There is no miracle pill that you can take to make fat melt. There is no miracle cream that you can rub on your thighs and make them magically disappear into thin air.

Short of surgery, which is an extremely ill idea to begin with, there is only one answer to the timeless question asked of the rolly-polly types: I wonder how I can lose this weight?

Here’s a few pointers (from the master, herself):

1. Step away from the donut. The donut is evil. The donut will find it’s way down your throat and into your guts, where it will then be disbursed and particles of that donut will live in your hips and double chin forever. Other foods that should be in diet hell are: snicker bars, cheesecake, lasagna, loaded potato soup, all mexican food.
2. Taco Bell has always been my weakness. However, one day whilst in a bored situation, I was reading what actually goes into some fast food food. EEEWWWWW.If the fact that most fast food is swimming in grease, lard, oil or someother non-digestable mess isn’t enough to keep you out of the french fries, then go one night around 10 and watch the fry guy at McDonald’s empty that big vat of yack that they fry everything in. MMMMMM, MMMMM, Good, I tell ya. Makes me wanna spew.
3. Starvation. Um, if you don’t give your body something healthy to eat, it’s wired up to know that your dumb ass is trying to starve it. Ask me, what’s my body gonna do if I don’t eat??? Your body is gonna hold on to every single nasty, blobby little molecule of cellulose that it can. You will not lose anything if you starve because your body will be freaking out thinking it’s never going to get to eat again, so it holds onto what it already has. One must eat to lose weight. Funny huh?
4. Get your fat ass on a treadmill!! My fat ass started out doing 15 minutes at 1.5 miles an hour on the treadmill. And amazingly, what those dang nutritionists and exercise therapists have been saying all along was true. YOU GOTTA DO BOTH DIET AND EXERCISE, trust me, there is a reason why I started looking for a MMA Near Me, you have to move!!!!You can’t sit around and be a slug. Get off your butt and walk around a little amigo. Your body will thank you for it.

So, I guess the bottom line is, you’re only fat if you choose to be fat. I’m a sport, I can admit it, I’m still a little fluffy around certain sections. But I’ve learned that I can’t blame anyone but me for letting me get out of control. I was a scale tipper, and its a battle everyday.

This is why it chaps my ass to hear all this bull-caca about fat being genetic and fat being a disease…

I stand here today, calling BULLshit, DEFCON 5!

Of course, I’m a creature of habit. I’m a total news nerd. I have all of my particular news shows I just have to have on.

Well, since next year is poor George’s last year as the Most Powerful Man in the Universe, we are all going to be barraged with an endless swollen river of mudslinging, dirt digging commercials. We are going to hear all of the dirty little secrets that each and every one of the presidential hopefuls have kept hidden in their closet collecting dust and cobwebs.

Who knows what will come out? Who cares, right? I’m thinking it’s pretty obvious that the political powerhouse called Clinton has already had their dirty laundry dumped out in the middle of the livingroom and inspected right down to the lipstick on ol’ Bill’s fly.

I’ve already made decision for the next Most Powerful Man in the Universe competition.

However, my choice does not have a penis. So, if Hillary gets the prize cow in ’08, she will be the Most Powerful WOMAN in the Universe. Go Hill!!

I have several reasons why I’m digging the fact that she’s in the running for ruler of the universe. Let’s discuss, shall we?

First, Hillary is all about the rights of EVERYBODY, not just the ones with gold lined pockets. She’s spent her adult life going to bat for folks who couldn’t kick some ass on their own. Abused women, neglected and disadvantaged children, victims of 9/11. Everybody.

Second, since she has no way to pull the boys back from hell yet, she’s kickin ass and taking names when it comes to post-war issues that they have when they come home. Some mental, some physical. She’s pushing for a method of identifying traumatic brain injury and other serious issues. She’s highly annoyed that vets are coming home all jacked up and nobody in the current administration could give two flips about what they are going through and how piss-poor their medical care is. Case in point, VA hospitals suck. (Visit the New York personal injury law firm to know how you can claim your insurance rights arising out of road mishaps).

C, she’s looking to protect our borders. No, not just Mexico, amigo. But coming in from Canada, too. (You never know what might happen if a stir-crazed canuck gets across the border, eh.) In all seriousness, something needs to be done to prevent illegal immigration before it happens, not after. I mean, if your beef is the crime rate among illegal aliens once they are over here working, then keep the borders locked down and make it hard as hell to slip through. Then, my friend, you’ll reduce the alien crime wave before it begins.

I have a plethora of reasons why I figure Hillary ought to get a shot at MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, but the most important and the most significant is this:

Who out there can say that Fast Willie wouldn’t make a kick-ass first lady??? Go Bill, go Bill, it’s ya birthday…

Think about it for a minute.

Good morning, America always has the favorite recipes of the First Lady around any major holiday. Wouldn’t it be cool to see Bill in an apron, chatting with Diane Sawyer, whilst beating the sugar, vanilla and butter on medium, which is the key to his perfectly fluffy and light homemade LemonChess Pie? Priceless.

Wouldn’t he make a cool “unofficial hostess” of the White House? Oh yeah. Just what exactly would that exuberant title necessitate? Let’s examine, one by one.

• Decorating of the White House. Can’t ya see? Leather sofas. Whiskey barrel end tables with sexy little ashtrays for his poker buds. La-Z-Boy recliners for all, including the media types.Big screen TVs in every nook and cranny so as not to miss any of the big games.
• Coordination of the Easter Egg Hunt. Billy boy in the bunny suit. All for the enchantment of the children. Hop hop hopping along, helping the tykes fill their baskets to the brim with brightly colored eggs he stayed up all night coloring by himself with a sweet little intern and put them on some of those great hand made basket you get online, since these work great for this purpose.
• Hosting of receptions at the executive residence. We like it. Can you imagine how these formal functions will magically transform at midnight into ultimate ragers? Poof, the easy listening, string concerto will morph into some spiffy jazz band that Willie can blow his horn to.

I just think Slick Willie is pretty hot for an older guy. He’s a playboy who’s been caught (oooops), and he’s still loved. I’d love to see him being the Host with the Most in ’08.