Author Archive for Mark

After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnetâ„¢ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy. Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.

You Could Get Killed Using Apple Maps!

June 4th, 2013 at 5:51 pm by Mark
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Over the last year, we’ve heard numerous horror stories about people following Apple Maps directions and having their safety, and even their lives, jeopardized. This phenomenon underscores the need for people to stop blindly relying on technology to get them to their destinations…

"I loved Apple Maps!" -Amelia Earhart

Definitive Proof: “Crop Circles” Are Hoaxes

June 3rd, 2013 at 5:28 pm by Mark
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That some people continue to believe that crop circles are caused by Aliens makes an absolute mockery of common sense.

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave...

Stock Photos

A Sane Reason Not to Fly Virgin Airlines

June 2nd, 2013 at 5:30 pm by Mark
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This is why I don’t fly Virgin Airways: because I’m sick and tired of all those motherf@#$in’ badgers on the motherf#@$in’ plane.

Washington-IAD Flight 86 Departs 11:59PM.  Our aircraft is arriving late due to traffic restrictions here at SFO. Once the aircraft parks at the gate a rabid badger will be released at the rear of the aircraft to encourage people to exit forward quickly. Once we have secured the badger and cleaned the cabin, we will board for DC.

Naturally Occurring AT-AT Walker

June 1st, 2013 at 5:11 pm by Mark
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When you begin seeing AT-AT Walkers in the clouds, you know it’s time to stop watching Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back so often…

Star Wars AT-AT Walker in the Clouds: "Mother of God!"

Robinhood: Free Stocks for your Referrals!

Unintended Side-Effects of Watching Twilight

May 31st, 2013 at 5:34 pm by Mark
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Of course, it’s also a known fact that if you allow boys to watch Twilight, they end up with more sparkling glitter than the average stripper…

That's What Happens When You Let Your Daughter Watch Twilight...