Swanky sent me a link to this brilliant video, Battle of the Bands … Oh yeah!
     And if you’re old enough to remember at least fifty percent of these album covers, they’re probably too loud now.  😉

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6bUD9PJ6i8

     If you see this face in a personal ad, do what she did — run away!

     In case you were dead between April 26th and May 13th of 2005, I’ll recap.

     Duluth, Georgia resident, Jennifer “Deer in Headlights” Wilbanks (pictured above), was about to get married to her fiance, John Mason, in a lavish wedding of nearly seven hundred guests and attendants.
     However, shortly before she was to make the final leap to becoming Jennifer “Dear in Headlights” Mason, she decided to put on some sweats and go for a jog. By the way, do you know that some people are having a problem with excessive sweat? Good thing, there’s an Ultrasound therapy for it.   When she didn’t come back, everyone was worried.
     It made headlines immediately, the picture above being plastered all over every Newspaper, television channel and telephone pole in the continental United States.  Some Media asshats even went so far as to attempt to turn John Mason into another Scott Peterson — viciously accusing him of foul play in the disappearance.  
     The exhaustive search by authorities, family, friends and concerned citizens turned up nothing.  But four days later on April 30th, Jennifer called from a pay phone at a 7-11 in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  She claimed to have been abducted against her will by a man and woman in a van, and that she had been sexually assaulted by the couple.
     Of course, none of that was true, as it turned out.  She’d simply run away, citing that she “needed some time alone.”  She also expressed amazement, saying she didn’t think anyone would be looking for her.

     As a fitting retort, Fox News had a nice little tidbit…

Ryan Kelly, owner of the Park Cafe, an eatery a few blocks from Wilbanks’ house that gave out coffee and sandwiches to searchers, said he was glad Wilbanks was alive and healthy.

“But that being said, this is one of the most selfish and self-centered acts I’ve ever seen. We saw her parents, and you could see the anguish in their eyes. It was terrible,” he said.

“I don’t care where you are — unless you’re in the Amazon rain forest, you’d know everybody was out looking for you.”

     Aside from ruining a wedding of nearly seven hundred people, Wilbanks exhausted State and Federal resources looking for her.  She caused her fiance considerable pain and suffering not only in disappearing and his fearing the worst, but he also had to put up with a Media Hell-bent on trying to pin him as a murderer.  The poor guy also ended up looking a fool for his tearful plea for her safe return.  She exhausted the time, money and resources of citizens groups who assisted in the search.  She wasted the Media’s time, in fact, and we all know what they charge to run a commercial.

     John Mason, however, stayed with her.  Well, for another year, anyway.  They finally broke up in May 2006.

     But in an interesting twist, it was revealed publicly yesterday that Wilbanks was suing Mr. Mason for $500,000.  Regan Media, who bought the rights to the “Runaway Bride” story, gave Mason $500,000.  He bought a house with it.  And, of course, in May, he kicked her out.
     But why did he get the money from Reagan Media instead of her?  Well, while Wilbanks was undergoing therapy (for being — in addition to stupid, selfish and a witch with a capital B — clinically nutso), she made another idiotic move — she made Mason, the guy whose life she turned upside down, her Power of Attorney.
     So now she’s suing for half the money, and another “$250,000 in punitive damages.”  She was even brazen enough to call Mason “overly litigous.”  And still complaining that he hasn’t returned a few wedding gifts — which she apparently used.

     Maybe I’m just mean … but at least $250,000 of that seems entirely frivolous.  As for the other half, there’s a bit of an argument for, too.
     Quite honestly, a ruined wedding of nearly seven hundred people isn’t cheap.  Neither is getting your story front page all over the country.  Nor stopping your entire life.  Nor hiring private investigators.  Nor him paying for her “medical care” over the last year.  Nor…
     And in the long run, surely there’s a cost for him … I mean, the mental anguish of it, being accused of murder, made to look like a fool, putting up with her dumb ass for the next year…
     Get the idea?

     “Overly litigous,” indeed …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD5ikU6-mDA

     By 1986, I was a huge Metallica fan.  I had all three albums, a bunch of imports and an impressive number of bootlegs that “don’t exist” — outside of someone’s degrading collection of cassette tapes, stuffed, caseless, into a shoebox and long forgotten under a bed or at the bottom of a closet that’s never opened until guests arrive.
     And it was on this day, twenty years ago, that a friend of a friend called me to tell me that Metallica’s legendary bass player, Cliff Burton, had been killed in a bus accident the day before.

     If you’re not familiar with Metallica save their more recent albums like St. Anger, you’d do well to give the old stuff a listen.  To illustrate what sort of influence Cliff Burton was on the band, it’d be a good idea to grab the 1981 compilation album, “Metal Massacre,” which features a terrifyingly poor version of “Hit the Lights” with original bass player, Ron McGovney, and original guitarrist, Lloyd Grant. Grant was replaced early in 1982 by Dave Mustaine (of Megadeth fame). In 1983, however, Dave — who seemed to pay more attention to alcohol and drugs than music — was ousted as Kirk Hammett (from the thrash metal band Exodus) joined the crew . 

     Quiet, classically trained and immensely capable, Cliff brought an edginess and raw nerve to the band.  Influences like Motorhead and the Misfits are very apparent on their first release album, “Kill ’em All” from 1983.  Being “the major rager on the four string motherf#&$er,” — a quote delivered by Hetfield at an early stage show — Cliff grandstands his bass guitar talents on the track, Anaesthesia (Pulling Teeth).

     Cliff was quick to realize that this was a group who could define the shape of things to come.  As a visionary, he noted that each of the members were talented in their own right: Kirk Hammett was an impressive and established guitarrist and songwriter, Lars Ulrich was an exceptional drummer, and the vocalist of the band, James Hetfield, was a burgeoning poet.
     Under his leadership, Metallica veered slightly off of their Thrash Metal path to release “Ride the Lightning” in 1984.  This marked the beginning of Metallica’s signature accoustic guitar intros (the Segovia-influenced intro to Fight Fire with Fire), and melodic intrumentals (the brilliantly arranged Call of Ktulu, titled owing to Cliff’s love of H.P. Lovecraft).
     Power Metal was born.

     Building on that success and using a similar formula, the 1986 release of “Master of Puppets” catapulted the band into Billboard’s top fifty.  This was no minor achievement, considering Metallica had gone completely without the radio airplay granted other artists in the Billboard list.

     Tragically, Cliff was killed during the Damage, Inc. World Tour (named from of the last track from Puppets album, a track clearly showing Cliff’s bass talents) with Ozzy Osbourne.  While in Sweden for the tour, their bus hit some ice, and he died in the ensuing malady (being thrown from the bus window, crushed, and crushed again during the attempted rescue effort).

     Shortly after, the slot was filled by Jason Newsted of Flotsam & Jetsam.  Although an accomplished bass player, Newsted couldn’t fill the shoes of Cliff.  Unfortunately for him, the band would never let him forget it, either.
     “Garage Days Re-Revisited” was released in 1987, followed by “…And Justice For All” in 1988, and featured some of the last riffs from Cliff.
     While Garage Days — featuring covers of bands like Diamond Head, Misfits and Killing Joke — was a suitable ode to the influences of Cliff Burton through the prior years, Justice fell notably short.  The band released their first Top 40 Single, One, and the rest is the more recent history of an altogether different band.

     Without Cliff in the role of mentor, there was no one to temper the paranoia of James Hetfield, nor the ego of Lars Ulrich.  Instead of the Metallica we all knew and loved, their self-titled album, also known as the Black Album, spawned multiple Top 40 hits.  As the once iconic Metal legends became more mainstream and less distinguishable from other Metal bands, it was unsurprising to see them touring with popular glam rock band, Guns ‘n’ Roses, in the early 1990’s.
     The downward spiral continued through the mid-to-late 90’s with the releases of Load and Reload, which spawned a new wave of marketing the like of which had not been seen since the Kiss campaigns in the 1970’s.  From action figures to zippos, Metallica’s mainstream popularity put them on equal footing with “bubble gum” artists such as New Kids on the Block and Britney Spears.
     With Lars at the helm, the mainstream, sold-out Metallica became a figurehead in the Recording Industry Association’s fight against the then-reveolutionary music sharing application, Napster.  In multiple interviews, Ulrich’s egomaniacal viewpoints — especially his contention that content providers should be legally liable for anything that happens on their network instead of the user who is abusing the service — turned many fans away.  The battle came to a head with Lars standing before a Senate Judiciary Committee in July of 2000, standing up for Intellectual Property and Copyright Laws during the RIAA’s bid to have Congress put more teeth into the Digital Millennium Act (DMCA).  Fortunately, Camp Chaos was there to lambast the RIAA and poke fun at the entire situation.

     Now with their fifth bass player, Robert Trujillo (a great guy, BTW — met him plenty of times), they’ve decided they’re not going to split like they had intended, but will probably release another bad album in the near future.  Of course, this won’t be any fault of Trujillo — the man who’s played Bluegrass, Classical, Funk and Metal with the ease of a concert Bassist — but it’s inevitable, given Metallica’s radical shift into mainstream “teeny-bopper” Metal.

     It’s unfortunate, really.  Cliff Burton was responsible for so much of what was great about the early Metallica.  Besides taking Cliff’s life, the tragic accident also took with it the power and creativity that made Metallica stand out from the crowd.

     Rest in Peace, Cliff Burton (10-Feb-1962 to 27-Sep-1986).

     And R.I.P Metallica (Oct-1981 – 27-Sep-1986).

     Penn & Teller’s television show, “Bullshit!“, really covers a lot of material with little more than simple logic.  This particular episode, from 9-May-2005, carries with it the same type and amount of raw disbelief and vitriol that I’ve ranted when discussing 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists, right down to the choice of nouns and adjectives.
     People can say foul language, name-calling and violence never solve anything, but in certain situations, they certainly make you feel better. Besides — why should I show restraint to people who none? The Golden Rule does apply.
     If you agree, watch it, because it has all of those things.  If you don’t, then … well … don’t watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jKxVUHuMhc

     Someone told me recently, “Calling them idiots and dumbasses doesn’t do anyone any good! You catch more flies with honey!”

     I’m sorry, but, why should I have to catch flies here?

     In the immortal words of Penn Gillette, “Are 49.3% of us just f$&*ing crazy?”

     The other day, Anton (from LR2) and I were talking about stupid headlines.  He says, “I saw a great one the other day…”

Women Have More Orgasms During Lesbian Sex than Men

     Once I stopped laughing, I responded with, “Yeah, I can see that.  Once most guys get it over with, they turn off the video.”  I mean, I certainly can’t think of any men who engage in Lesbian sex (I mean, past the occasional ménage à trois, which apparently doesn’t count as “lesbian”), but then, it’s a big world … so who knows?

     Unlike the last Media headline I loved, “Jets May Be Vulnerable to On-board Bombs,” I don’t have any screenshots or cut & pastes of the headline.  
     The original article, however, was real, and could be easily found from multiple sources ynder the titles, “Lesbians Have More Orgasms” and “Variety is the Spice of Sex Life.”

     AP, Reuters and miscellaneous others often change these sorts of absurd ambiguitues soon after they’re discovered.  However, it’s a good thing for us a lot of that many people under Media outlets’ employ aren’t proactive in doing it beforehand. 
     It gives us the occasional opportunity for a comical comeback!

     If ya find any good ones, send them to us!  If we find them equally amusing, we’ll post them and give you a link and a credit.