Most people blame the dog whenever they fart. We usually blame my four-year-old niece who gets so angry at the accusation, she threatens to run away…
Right now, I’m just reflecting a little about how everything is my fault. You see, for whatever reason, everything is my fault. There are different reasons for it being my fault, but it usually revolves around the fact that I have a penis.
This all started when I was a born.
Being a rather healthy newborn didn’t help matters. You see, it was my fault my mother had such a difficult labor. It was my fault, too, that she ended up married to my father. In fact, it was also my fault when she was tired, when she was sick, and even when it was just too damn gloomy outside.
Now, you know for certain that this crap we’ve called weather for months in East Tennessee is all my fault. Because I can control the weather. Seriously, you know, I am a minor Weather deity.
Apparently, when someone I don’t know calls me up screaming and yelling at me, it’s my fault. A few years ago, Bellsouth hooked me up with this great telephone number, 865-544-5750. The reason I post this is because, ya know, it’s published in about one hundred fourty-four thousand places as the number to the Knox County Public Library, not including every book that’s ever passed through their doors, and the fact that the number changed ten years ago.
You see, I was just screwing with people when I told them I wasn’t really the Library. Yes, asshat, you owe $6958.42 in late charges for the book you didn’t return in 1963. I know this because it’s my fault you dialed the number without checking in your telephone directory. It’s my fault because I am the Library.
It’s my fault when some guy who wants to bone my girlfriend starts harrassing both of us to no end. It’s my fault when he makes up an elaborate story about how I came to his house to beat the crap out of him and he’s afraid for his life. It’s my fault.
Apparently, when I’m sitting on a plane and half way across the country, I have the ability to make people do really stupid crap like make up stories. And when I land at DFW Airport for a layover, it’s my fault that he’s calling the police right then.
You see, I have this effect on people I’ve never met. I can be in two places at once and control people with my mind.
It’s my fault, too, that someone finally decrypted a password on one of my old computers. I didn’t have a chance to wipe it before they took it from me, and, well, you know. I planned it all.
I planned, a year later, for them to start sending Yahoo messages to anyone who sent me a message, digging to see whether or not I was screwing them. I also planned for them to use the Desktop SMS App and start sending text messages to random bloggers. And I intentionally didn’t change my phone number just so this could happen.
It’s my fault, because I’m a sociopath who can plan things down to the miniscule detail, just to screw with people for no apparent reason.
It’s my fault, when two people who were trying their damndest to get me to do something I didn’t wanna do pop up a year later with phone calls and threats. You see, by not having sex with these two — well, yeah, hot — women who threw themselves at me, because my heart and body belonged to someone else, I’m a complete asshole.
Because you know, I am God’s gift to women, and the biggest player ever. Totally. I just make women want me by not doing a damn thing and telling them to go away. It’s all my fault that they don’t take their medication and fuck off like rational people.
Meanwhile, 378 people in the background are yelling, “Mark! You need to get laid!” And right now, I’m starting to agree. That’s my fault. Because I’m human.
Amazingly, I know that if there were 100 women in the room who wanted to, I would end up with the one who’s more fucked up than a football bat…
And that’s my fault, too… because when I see somebody who’s hurt, I give a damn…
I’m sorry. I just suck like that. My fault…
And just for that … I’m gonna make it rain again! You’ll see, you bastards!
Fracas gave me reason #8934 I shouldn’t use Twitter. I blame my complete and total lack of self control on her, since she’s the one who pointed out that stupid #oneletteroffmovies bit, where you take a movie title and change one letter for an entirely different meaning…
Needless to say, my Twitter Traffic has been disturbingly high.
Mark Ruffalo stars as the entire cast in Ruffalo Soldiers. #oneletteroffmovies
1 minute agoLittle chance of being frightened at this pathetic, cult musical comedy: Little Shot of Horrors #oneletteroffmovies
1 minute agoHorror/Shocker as an escort establishment suffers from a rash of pregnancies. Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Brood #oneletteroffmovies
3 minutes agoPuffy Combs makes a deal with Baalzebub. Bedizzled. #oneletteroffmovies
6 minutes agoJim Carrey stalks Matthew Broderick in: The Cable Gay. #oneletteroffmovies
8 minutes agoMore of Howard Stern’s assinine humor. Private Farts. #oneletteroffmovies
8 minutes agoRoger’s getting a little old to still be single…. Roger Codger #oneletteroffmovies
8 minutes agoMeanwhile, Lorraina Bobbit has her own plans… Deconstructing Hairy #oneletteroffmovies
10 minutes agoAlfred Hitchcock’s protaginst suffers from ED. The Trouble with Hairy. #oneletteroffmovies
11 minutes agoGena Rowlands and Winona Ryder know which Wayne’s World star they find attractive. Night on Garth #oneletteroffmovies
12 minutes agoCapt. Yossarian escapes the horror of World War II by making magic brownies. Batch-22 #oneletteroffmovies
13 minutes agoBasketball coach Billy Bob Thornton finds out he really is above average… Mr. Hoodcock #oneletteroffmovies
15 minutes agoKatherine Waterston reveals her nickname for the breasts she’s about to expose. The Babysisters. #oneletteroffmovies
16 minutes agoHe came. He saw. He acted like a pervert. Veni! Vidi! Vicie! #oneletteroffmovies
21 minutes agoMay the Bluebird of Happieness forever urinate in your Cheerios. Piss Congeniality. #oneletteroffmovies
24 minutes agoSean Penn knows you lose 21 grams when you die. Now he knows how much he loses when he poops. 219 Grams. #oneletteroffmovies
25 minutes agoMark Ruffalo and Ethan Hawk give up a dangerous life of crime for simple credit card fraud. What Doesn’t Bill You. #oneletteroffmovies
29 minutes agoBruce Willis portrays Greg Luganis and his head-splitting injury: Dive Hard #oneletteroffmovies
31 minutes agoDoes anyone understand why constipation seems to hit caucasians harder? White Men Can’t Dump #oneletteroffmovies
33 minutes agoLila Littleworld realizes Canada is f#&*ing cold in, Frozen Liver #oneletteroffmovies
36 minutes agoWener Hertzog studies English as a Second Language in, Encounters at the End of the Word #oneletteroffmovies
36 minutes agoTommy Lee Jones plays a nasty prank in The Electric Mint #oneletteroffmovies
40 minutes agoDon Cheadle moves to Iowa in Tractor #oneletteroffmovies
40 minutes agoMadea becomes a Meteorologist in Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Hail #oneletteroffmovies
42 minutes agoEddit Murphy stars as a robotic blow-up doll in Meat Dave #oneletteroffmovies
43 minutes agoRob Schneider takes a laundry job in prison… The Big Stain #oneletteroffmovies
44 minutes agoStanley Tucci finds Bridget Fonda may not be straight… The Whore Shebang #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour agoChelsea Makela, Damon Wayans, and an all New Zealand Cast. Dance Flock. #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour agoGeorge Clooney asks his girlfriend to stop eating spicy food in, Burn After Reaming #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour agoRenee Zellweger goes anti-semitic in Jew in Town #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour agoRussel Crow finds Jeebus in State of Pray. #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour agoJennifer Aniston loses all her hair in Mangement #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour agoWalt Disney present, Tinker Hell! #oneletteroffmovies
about 1 hour ago from webKungPow: Enter the Fish #oneletteroffmovies
about 14 hours agoHead Again #oneletteroffmovies
about 14 hours ago9 1/2 Peeks #oneletteroffmovies
about 14 hours agoTool for Love … (Sam Shepherd/Kim Basinger/Harry Dean Stanton) #oneletteroffmovies
about 14 hours agoCrapped in Paradise #oneletteroffmovies
about 14 hours agoThe Mighty Fucks #oneletteroffmovies
about 14 hours ago@ManInTheMittle Lay Anything… #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours agoNever Lay Never Again #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours agoBone With the Wind #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours agoThe Porn Blows at Midnight #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours agoLittle Big Porn #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours ago‘Pucker Up and Bark Like a Dog’ aka ‘Tits’ (http://tinyurl.com/yzjtee5) #oneletteroffmoviesabout 15 hours ago
@stephintoronto Gay After Tomorrow #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours ago from web in reply to stephintorontoTenacious D in The Dick of Destiny #oneletteroffmovies
about 15 hours agoUnsure Cunts (Yes, I couldn’t help it – http://tinyurl.com/yjwr5d3) #oneletteroffmovies
about 16 hours ago
Now, with wasted wit, I can’t even write a decent post.
So, thanks, Fracas, for screwing up my blog with this nonsense! 😉
For clarity’s sake, that was Eddie Murphy, Lila Littlewolf, etc. in the above list. There are a number of typoes. I won’t bother to fix them. Yes, I did that on purpose.
And for that, I blame Dan Quayle.
Yes it was a tragedy, yes it was traumatic for those involved, and yes it was horribly unfair. But honestly, get over it already.
Why are we as a nation so infatuated with the death of 33 people whom most of us would never have met? Is this event any different than the thousands of other events that resulted in 1200 deaths across the nation in that same period of time? Is it suddenly news worthy when 33 people die in a single event vs hundreds or thousands dying in similar yet unrelated events?
In the United States of America, how many people drank themselves to death that day? How many innocent people were killed because someone was driving while drinking themselves to death? How many toddlers were raped by a family member. How many children were beaten, bruised, maimed, or killed by their parents that day? How many children slit their wrists or hung themselves because of depression? How many people starved to death? With the exception of starvation (just eight) each of those numbers is greater than 33, most are over 100.
There are many atrocities closer to home that we should be worried about. Yet as a people the US appears intent on ignoring the “routine deaths” in favor of the sensational. Why can’t we realize that CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and all these other so called news channels are FOR PROFIT? They don’t give one bit of shit about reporting the truth. They only care about ratings.
The news is supported by the advertisers. Ratings go up when more people watch. Advertisers pay more for shows with higher ratings. It stands to reason that a for-profit company would do everything they can to get more viewers. I see it on the national news channels, local news, and even PBS and NPR. They all constantly promise one more tidbit of information to string you along and keep you from changing channels.
Ironically, I don’t blame the news agencies. I blame you! You watch the news, you agonize over the tragedy and you buy it, hook line and sinker. Truth, lies, slanted left, slanted right, you consume it all. Your eyeballs glued to the freaking CNN or Fox News are to blame. If you wouldn’t watch the shit, they wouldn’t produce it.
So as you’re walking around tomorrow and see people wearing orange and maroon, commemorating the shooting at VT, thank them from the bottom of your heart for perpetuating a nation of lies, half truths, and sensational tragedy.
