“Hey, Mark, I need a small project done by 2PM.  Can you do it?”
     “Sure,” I said assuredly.

     But that was early this morning.

     “Hey, can you help with this other thing?”
     “I have a 2PM deadline on the first one,” I tell them.
     “It’ll only take a minute.”

     Wrong.

     Back on track, an hour later.

     “Hey, Mark?  I need you to hold up while we send you some more specifications.”
     “Okay, but… we’re running out of time here.”
     “It’s nothing major.”

     An hour later, I get the new information and have to sart over.

     “Hey, Mark, can you do something else for us?”
     “Look, I spent two and a half hours off, and I’m running out of time here.  You need your first project at 2PM, right?” I ask.
     “Yeah, but this is more important right now.”
     “Okay…”

     Another hour later, I’m back on track.

     “Hey, Mark.  This other guy over here needs some software installed.”
     “I can’t,” I told him.
     “Why not?”
     “I don’t have time, since you need this done by 2PM,” I explained.  “But I can do it after that.”
     “Yeah, we have to have that.  But if you can’t do this for us, then we better find someone else to do all of it.”
     “Well, you could, but I’ve already done this, that, the other, and spent an hour and a half on the first thing you asked for.  If you be patient, then I can get you taken care of.”
     “Yeah, ok.  Well, we need that by 2PM.”
     “Great… talk to ya then.”

     Back on track.  It’s 1:15PM.  I have forty-five minutes to finish.

     “Oh, but, Mark, we really need…”
     “Okay, do you need your project by 2PM?”
     “Yes, absolutely!”
     “Okay, I’m trying to finish it, in the next 45 minutes, so if you could just make a list of what all needs to be done and e-mail it to me, I’ll be happy to knock that out promptly at 2:01PM.”
     “Yeah, well, we have to have this, too.”
     “I can’t do both right now.  Both are very involved projects, and I need to finish this one by 2PM.  In 45 minutes, I’ll do whatever else you need.”
     “Well, that’s just not acceptable.  Haven’t you ever heard the customer is always right?”
     “Yes, and if you ask me to complete a task by 2PM, I’m going to, if you’ll allow me to.”
     “Oh, yeah, well, I think we’re just gonna scrap the whole project and find someone els to do all of it.”
     “Well, I could certainly do them, but I think perhaps you guys need to prioritize your needs a little better.  Here it is with forty minutes to spare, and I’ve only been able to work on a five hour project for about two hours.  I can get it going, but I can’t do it and talk on the phone and do all of these other things.  If you can bear with me for forty minutes, I’ll get you all taken care of it.”
     “All of it?”
     “Your project at 2PM, and everything else by 4:30.”
     “That’s not acceptable.  You said by 2PM.”
     “Yes, sir, for the original project.  All of these other things are peripheral, and taking the necessary time away from that project.”
     “That’s not acceptable.  We’re going to find someone else!” he yells as he hangs up.

     I call back.  “Ya know, there is the matter of your bill.”
     “You didn’t have the project finished by 2PM.”
     “No, but you contracted my time to do it, and proceded to use that time to finish several other, smaller projects.”
     “Apparently, our time isn’t important, Mark!”
     “Excuse me?” I monotoned in disbelief.

     I do the impossible.  I do a good job.  And above all, I treat my customers with respect and proceed to my duties in a professional manner.

     “So you’re not going to pay me?” I ask.
     “Why?  You didn’t get the job done.”
     “No, but I got three others done for you in the time where I was supposed to be finishing a project.  I explained repeatedly that I couldn’t get the project completed by 2PM if you continued to come to me with other, less important requests.  You said that these were just as important, and I stopped to complete those tasks, as well.  I am not a time traveller, and apparently, that is what you need.”
     “Yes, we do.  So f$*& you, Mr. Steel!  We’re finding someone else.”
     “F$*& ME?  Apparently, sir, you have a problem with my performance, though I fail to see how that could be, considering all of the assistance I’ve offered you today.  Perhaps you should find someone else.”
     “Don’t f$*&ing cuss me you piece of sh….”
     *click!*

     I will not walk away empty handed, and then sit there to be insulted and screamed.

     A little respect is never too much to ask.

     Funny that it’s now 2:06, and neither their projects nor their additional side tasks are completed.  I wonder how long it’s going to take the next guy?

     [ And if you’re said customer — who pretends to be my employer — do you realize that I QUIT?! ]

     When I came back into the country five years ago, I was pretty sick of renting movies at Ballbuster (and a few other places) because they were usually staffed by teeny-boppers who were more interested in playing Playstation games behind the counter than actually helping anyone.  I figured if I could “cut out the middle man” and actually get the movies I wanted, it’d make things a lot more simple.
     I took the plunge, signed up with Netflix.com, and couldn’t be happier.

     While living in DC, it was easy.  I could drop my returns in a government maildrop, and the very next day, I’d have a fresh DVD.  After moving back to Knoxville — my hometown — things got a little worse.
     Certain Post Offices in Knoxville just suck.  They lose things, don’t deliver things for weeks, hold onto things, send them back “Addressee Unknown,” and a multitude of other, more destructive, handling errors that make me wonder if they’re not getting their staff from a soup line somewhere… and God knows there are plenty in this burg…

     I’ve had one particular movie out for quite a while.  I finally watched it a few weeks ago, and dropped it in the mail with three others around July 22nd.  Two arrived back at Netflix on the 25th.  One arrived back 26th.  One still hasn’t arrived… Meanwhile, three more DVD’s were shipped out to me on the 25th and 26th, but I still haven’t gotten the bloody things.
     Imagine my surprise earlier today when received e-mail notification that the three they’d shipped to me had been received back at Netflix…

     I called Netflix Customer Service — for the first time in ages — and spoke with a rep named Mary Ann.  She went through the usual steps, verified my address, and found that the DVD’s had actually looped from the Post Office.
     “Typical,” I told her.  “This post office blows… If you look back in my history, you’ll notice every shipping problem I’ve ever reported was from this specific place…”
     “You know what, you’ve been a good customer for a really long time,” she said.  “Nearly five years.  Wow!”
     We talked a bit more about the problems, and found that the new Netflix policy allows them to go after a specific Post Office on behalf of a customer when there are more than three incidents within a ninety-day period.  Good news!
     “While we’re waiting for problems, and I sincerely hope you don’t have any, I’m gonna knock 25% of your charges for the next few months, and give you a couple of vouchers for extra DVD’s,” she said happily.
     “Are you serious?” I asked.  It clearly wasn’t the fault of Netflix.
     “Well, I wouldn’t do this for a customer that’d only been with us for three months, but like I said, you’ve been a good customer for five years, and you deserve a little extra something,” she explained.
     “Wow!” I exclaimed.  “I really appreciate that!  Thanks!”
     “You’re very welcome!”

     My complaint wasn’t with Netflix, and I had questions. She understood my questions, answered them, gave me a number of things I could do to assist in rectifying the situation and then went out of her way to give me a few courtesies for being a long-time, loyal customer.
     Now, seriously, how often does that happen when you call up with inquiry?
     And how could I not refer other people to them given that sort of experience?

     Really, customer service has sucked almost everywhere for a while now, due in no small part to the cost savings of setting up middle-of-nowhere call centers with completely untrained staff who don’t know the product or technology and simply aren’t used to dealing with people.  And foreign outsourcing only makes that sort of thing even worse…

     Fortunately, Netflix has US-based call centers filled with polite, friendly and knowledgable staff who are truly interested when there’s a problem.  That’s almost unheard of these days.  (Well, unless you’re dealing with one of my companies — heads will roll over poor Customer Service)   

     As a representative of her company, what Mary Ann portrayed today was a business with a proper, correct and reputable mindset.  It’s no wonder they’re the biggest and brightest, even though there are several more inexpensive alternatives.
     95% of the DotCom start-ups out there (and cellphone carriers, service companies, fast food, etc. etc. etc.) believe in attracting “New Business” all the time.  They utilize Blitzkreig customer service and Viral marketing which ensures that they sell “one” of everything they offer to every person in the world, and move on to the next customer. 
     High customer turnover isn’t good for anyone; the methodology is entirely incorrect in any business, and especially bad for a Service company where solid customer relationships are crucial for maintaining long-term, residual capital.  Regular, established customers are the ones who continue to come back, refer new business, and stick with you through the lean times.  They’re your best marketers, and they deserve to be treated with a little dignity.

     Netflix, very obviously, gets that.  It’s refreshing to see that they instill those values in the Customer Service reps, as well.

     A little while back, I did a review about the reacTable, a table-top music synthesizer.  People loved it.  So when Microsoft comes up with Microsoft Surface, people are going insane on the Microsoft-bashing bandwagon.

     Check this out …

     Sorry, cool stuff.

     Still, a lot of people are screaming that, “Microsoft is inventing a product which there’s no need for!”
     My honest opinion says that that those types of short-sighted Asshats can suck a big one. The new microsoft product has also been running into a lot of windows error code.

     Whether or not some people see a need for it or not is irrelevant.  There certainly are uses for it now.  Think in terms of business and Government, where untold sums of money are spent on Conference Calls, cameras, long distance charges, couriers, paper documents, signatures…
     Imagine the ability to slide a signed digital document across the desk to a guy sitting across the country … or at a manufacturing facility in Singapore … sending a design specification, and getting back photos of a prototype … having a Sales & Marketing meeting with the best

I am an office manager for an small biomedical company in Oak Ridge, Tennessee.  We are not a million dollar baby.  We are not listed as one of the top companies in the Fortune 500.  We are of no consequence to anyone, really.   That is, anyone but those damn telemarketers, who seem to call more than our customers do.  Until the past two days, the last statement was strictly a sarcastic theory.

I have made it my goal in life to give every telemarketer that calls our office so much shit, that they will beg the powers that be to take our multiple phone numbers off of the automated speedy dialer set up they utilize.

I have found out that the low level asshat that initiates this variety of phone call is generally a mega wuss.  Scary Diva puts fear in them and they automatically put me through to a supervisor.  Which is fine by me, that’s who I’d prefer to bitch at anyway.

The typical call is as follows:

Asshat:  Hello, ma’am.  I am calling today on behalf of BellSouth.

Me: You’re calling on behalf of BellSouth?  Are you BellSouth or some poor schmuck hired by BellSouth to take this ass whipping?

Asshat:  We are contracted by BellSouth to contact existing customers with this exciting..

Me:  Let me guess, an exciting new plan?

Asshat:  Yes, ma’am.   We are…

Me:   Stop right there.  What is the name of your company?

Asshat:  (will name off whatever company of the day is)

Me:  And what is your name, please?

Asshat:  I can not disclose my name.

Me:  You can’t disclose your name?  Where is your supervisor?

Asshat:  I don’t understand, ma’am.

Me:  Your supervisor,  your boss.  Please put them on the phone.

Asshat:  One moment.

Asshat supervisor: I understand there is a problem here?

Me:  You could call it that.   When I get more calls a day from people like you bogging down my phone lines than I do from my customers, that is a major problem for me.

Assshat supervisor:  Let me explain why…

Me:  No!  Let me explain to you.  What is YOUR name.  I have your company name.

Asshat supervisor:  (rambles off a name)

Me:  Okay.  Now, I would like this to be recorded.  Am I being recorded for quality and training purposes, pal?

Asshat supervisor:  Yes, ma’am.

Me:  Then understand this.  I am keeping your name, the name of your company, the time and date that I spoke with you.  I would like you to remove our phone numbers from your database.  I would like to cease communication from your company.  Do you understand?

Asshat supervisor:  Yes.  We will remove you immediately.

Me:  Great.  Because we report companies that do not remove us from their call lists/databases after we request it.  I now have everything I need to report your company to the FCC for furthering communications after being asked to stop.

So, the story goes.  Of course, the FCC doesn’t do shit for a body.  You call, register a complaint, and nothing happens. But, it sure is alot of fun to harass the shit out of someone who’s job it is to harass the shit out of me.

The top of my “I HATE THESE GUYS” list is Bell South, followed ever so closely by Birch Telecom.

I also despise all of these shipping companies who try to out screw each other for the tidbit of business they might be able to get.  Of which, my response is always,  “If I’m gonna get screwed by a freight company, I’m sticking with UPS because our driver is freakin hot.  But thank you for calling and trying to win my business!  If you’d like to send some hot drivers over here for inspection, I might consider giving you my business, but I warn you.  Our UPS guy will be hard to beat.”

Have a great dessert day, pal.

If not of satan, then a spawn of said demon.
They are almost as bad as Wal-Mart, yet another corporate money-grubber I hate with a purple passion.

I went to pay my monthly Comcast bill online by check, although I didn’t have much money and needed money right away so I went to the check into cash on getwell. Have technology, why not use it. Save a stamp, save a tree.
Well, when I clicked submit, it gave me an error message and number, which I’m glad I wrote down. So, I called and went through an seemingly endless barrage of the same automated questions being asked over and over by an annoying voiced robot. Then, as has been every other time I’ve called Comcast, I was put into the standard holding pattern like an Airbus 300 waiting to land at Los Angeles International Airport.

I was given clearance to land, and began my decent into the always fun world of call center customer service.

I spoke with girl this time who said she didn’t see any pending payments or anything and that I should just make my payment over the phone.

So, I did. With my debit card, which goes immediately. Come to find out 30 minutes later, the internet payment had went through and here is my confirmation.

So, I call them (Comcast) back, I go through the automated answering phone maze again and back into the standard holding pattern like an F16 circling Baghdad, only to talk to a not so pleasant or helpful fellow named Josh. They can’t stop either payment, he says.
“Hello.” Say I, Just reverse the charges on the debit card, pal!!??!!”

To which Josh says repeatedly, “I’m sorry, ma’am. Once payments are through, they are through and there is nothing we can do about it. I spent more than 45 minutes of my valuable time, not to mention all the hold time, fighting with Josh about how all of this is not my fault.
I would have never paid over the phone had I not received an error message up on the clicking of the submit button.

So, I get on my cell phone and call the bank whilst on hold . And, as the useless bloodsuckers they are, can’t stop any payments, as both are technically electronic payments.

Color me screwed. So two payments in the amount of $153.00 are going to be sucked out of my bank account because Comcast’s website sucks on severely proportionate levels

Now I’m on hold with them again, as they always have higher than normal call volume.