Last week, I inherited a website maintenance customer from a partner company.  After getting everything working on Wednesday afternoon with the Indexer team, I sat back and waiting until the next time they’d call.

     On Thursday, I was forwarded an e-mail saying there was an additional issue with their site.  I looked at the file dates, and of course, one of the files in their e-Commerce software had been modified at 9:03AM on 19-Apr-2007.  I rebuilt the file, inserted the requisite variables, and called the customer.
     “No, I haven’t been in it,” he said.  “I just got this stuff yesterday.”
     Clearly, someone had.  The site worked perfectly fine when I left it on Wednesday.  Regardless, I took his explanation, and asked that he setup an account with us.
     “No, all this stuff should be part of the Setup,” he monotoned.  “My wife does all of the billing, anyway.”  Eventually, he promised to have her called me on Friday, 20-Apr-2007.

     Friday came and went without a phone call.

     Monday came, and there were new issues.  At 3:30PM, interns at the company called me to tell me that they were unable to login to the website’s backend yet again.
     Investigation showed that files had been changed at 2:30PM, an hour before they called.  I told them I would call them back, made the required changes, and got it all up and running again.

     The first intern I talked to didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the person who did that.
     Of course, the second intern didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the owner.  “Oh, she’s not in, but I’ll have her call you back tomorrow!”

     Today … I never received a call from them.  I called the company again, attempted to speak to the owner, and was told, “Oh, I’m sorry she didn’t call you back.  But she doesn’t know you, and isn’t comfortable setting up an account when she doesn’t know what it’s for.”
     “It’s for fixing your website,” I explained.  “I’ve been trying to get hold of her since last week.”
     “No, really?  You didn’t talk to anyone here,” she said in a sarcastic tone.
     “No, I spoke with your sysadmin, her husband, last Thursday,” I explained.  “We need to get this situation resolved.  I need to speak with her, and get this straightened out.”
     “Well, what is it that you do?” she asked.
     “Well, you call us for help, we fix it.  Like when you called me yesterday,” I explained.
     “Well, she doesn’t know you, and, uhh, we might not use you anyway.”
     “That’s a bit rough,” I said firmly.  “You’re leaving me in a position where my only recourse is to revert the fixes I’ve made and leave you with it.  I don’t want to have to do that…”
     “Well, okay, I’ll call her right now,” she agreed.

     An hour later, I get a call from my partner company.
     “Mark, she’s going off that you’re making terrorist threats against her website!”
     “Man, I’m still trying to get hold of her.  Her intern said she wouldn’t call me because they don’t know me.”
     “That’s ridiculous … I sent them the e-mail last week!” he exclaimed.
     “Yeah, and it’s their sysadmin’s position that if they break anything on the site right now, that they’ve already paid for it with setup,” I explained.  “But he’s going to have his wife call me, only, she won’t talk to me, because she doesn’t know me.”
     “Well, she said she’s not going to do business with any company that starts making terroristic threats against her website.”
     “Maybe you should give her the number for Homeland Security,” I told him.

     We had a bit of a laugh at the nonsense of the situation.

     Nobody can fault me on my Customer Service skills.  For that matter, no one can say I’ve ever been unfair when issues like these have arisen.

     This is simply a client who’s attempting to get out of paying their bill.  A previous maintenance company allowed them to pay with barter dollars, so I’m guessing they’re a bit miffed at having to come up with cash or a credit card to for the service.

     Some customers nobody needs.

     But in the meantime — I’m a website terrorist!  *thumbs up*

     Should I start wearing a turban?

     This morning, at 6AM, my telephone rang.
“Hello?”
I was greeted by a recorded message telling me about the wonders of Globalization, and how Offshoring can help my business.  I hung up.  The phone rang again, and when I answered, the recording continued.

I called back the number of my caller ID — 703-738-6669.  It took two tries to get to a human being, who explained that she was with Arctern Incorporated, and was based in — no big surprise — India.

I asked her why their company was calling people in the United States at 6AM.
She began reading a broken-English essay about offshoring.
I told her that at 6AM, no one was open to that kind of drivel.  I also informed her that since I’m on US/Eastern, it was later here than anywhere else in the US, and that her and company have NO BUSINESS calling ANYONE in the United States at that time.
“Sir, perhaps you should speak to our marketing department.”
“I will not speak to your marketing company Thrive Themes.  You are officially informed that you are not to call this number ever again, and right now, you’ll be extremely lucky if I don’t file a nuisance complaint and have your Fairfax, Virginia telephone number disconnected.”
At that point, I hung up.

Arctern’s website lists all sorts of buzzwords.  “Outsourcing.”  “Offshoring.”  “Technology.”  “Research.”

To learn more about the latest trend on websites with online services, look at these guys – WebDesign499.

I only consider that their “Outsouced,” “Offshore” corporation was unable to leverage “Technology” and “Research” Time Zones before they started mass-dialing the United States at 6AM.

Arctern Incorporated get the Asshat-of-the-Day award.

     Thanks, Glenn.  Appreciate ya.  *rolls eyes in faux disgust*  😉

     Met up with some cool people for Blogfest on Saturday night:

• Perry Nelson
• Cathy McCaughan
• Doug McCaughan
• Rich Hailey
• Michael Silence
• Randy Neal
• Barry
• SayUncle
• CE Petro
• Les Jones
• Mike Faulk
• Lissa Kay
• Katie Allison Granju
• Jonathan Hickman
• Dr Helen

     Oh, and Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds … *snicker*

     Had a few laughs … Had a few Porters … Had a few more laughs … And then … Met up with some more friends … Had a few more Porters … And laughs … and continued to the next venue(s).

     At some point during the night, I actually turned off my phone and left it in the car, because the business calls were really bringing me down after what had already been a long, long, long, long day.  Four business calls per hour gets old on a Saturday night…

UPDATE 11:26PM GMT-5

     Having just read Rich Haily’s blog in its entirety, I wish to clarify something:

Present but not blogging were Les Jones and his wife Melissa, and Mark Steel.

     I submit that I am not the wife of Les Jones.  I have not, nor will I ever be, married to Les.  Nor has anyone ever, ever called me “Melissa.”  I am also sure that Les is not from Utah, nor Massachusetts.
     That said, however, Les and I do have more in common than most of my recent dates, such as mutual affections for Star Wars, Firearms and making fun of the Dixie Chicks.  *snicker*