Even if Dannielynn Hope Smith  was old enough to respond to the question “Who’s your daddy?” I’m sure she’d still be confused.
     Since her birth four months ago to Anna Nicole Smith, there’s been wild speculation about the identity of the father.  At least, that’s what the Mass Media says to justify their feeding frenzy of late.

     At around 2:30PM EST on Thursday, February 8th, 2007, Anna died.

     A few moments later, her ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead went public that he was the father, and that he would be taking Dannielynn to raise as his own.

     A few hours later, her attorney, Howard K. Stern (no relation to the shock-jock with the missing K.), went public that he was the father, and that he would fight Birkhead for custody of the four-month-old.

     Today, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, went public that he was the father, but has no intention of fighting Birkhead or Stern for custody.
     Given the Gabor sisters’ propensities to slap the Hell out of unsuspecting men, this move was a bit surprising.

     Now that there’s no one to deny it, I submit that I am the Father, given that I was conducting business in the immediate vicinity of Hollywood, Florida during the second week of April 2006.  Apparently, Anna Nicole and I used the same toilet within fifteen minutes of one another.

     Lately, every time I sit down to write, it takes far too long.  And yet, for several days after I hit “Publish,” I still find a number of glaringly obvious mistakes.  There’s rarely a mispelling, mind you, but often a missing word or prepositional phrase, sometimes with disastrous consequences for what might have been a perfectly good paragraph.
     Lysdexia sucsk.

     Everyone makes mistakes, however, I don’t want to use that as an excuse for producing a poor-quality article.  So, seriously, how often do we make these sorts of mistakes when writing with pen and paper?  Certainly, the predominance of the computer has made this a much more difficult excercise.
     I was reminded of an e-mail Swanky sent me a few years ago, full of mistakes from newspaper ads:

• 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up also including shiply delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

     At least I’m in good company. 😉

     One of Michelle Malkin’s articles from yesterday pointed me towards yet another media cluster-copulation, one which unfortunately went global.

     The situation is basically this… 30-Sep-2000, “supposed” footage was shot of an uprising against the Israeli police station at the Netzarim Junction in Gaza. This footage “supposedly” showed the death of an “innocent” twelve-year-old boy, Mohammed Al Durah, as he and his father were shot by Israeli soldiers.
     The incident, filmed by Palestinians equipped by France2 News, made global headlines, sparked global criticism of Israel and has been used extensively by terrorists — including bin Laden himself — to illustrate the “godless” Israelis and their “slaughter of innocents.”
     Unfortunately, when you see the entire set of footage, it’s obvious that this is far from what actually happened. In fact, the entire incident was staged, from beginning to end, by Palestinian cameramen and a cast of actors!

     In 2002, two French and German documentaries poked holes in France2’s story, sparking a great deal of interest from media watchdogs and critics. This resulted not in France2 take action against those in its staff responsible for the falsified story… instead, France2 decided to sue three of its strongest critics for “striking at their honor and respectability.”
     Fortunately, the first case against Philippe Karsenty (which began 14-Sep-2006) was dropped, but the next two cases are upcoming on 26-Oct-2006 and 30-Nov-2006.

     Richard Landes, a medieval history professor from Boston University (and witness for the defense in the case against Karsenty), wrote a very informative article for The New Republic chronicling the events. He’s also put up a website, The 2nd Draft, which features two documentaries about the original incident from 2000. His videos make some compelling arguments about what the public really knows about the Palestinian conflict, and may be extremely pertinent in many other situations.
     Check out his documentaries… They’re worth it. Real eye-openers!

     It’s simply amazing how a French news organization can single-handedly screw up so many things, create a Jihaadist martyr out of thin air — which, mind you, caused the deaths of thousands of people worldwide, including 9/11 — and somehow come out of it without so much as a slap on the wrist from their Government.  And for those same people to then have the guts to actually sue the people who point out their fallacy?
     Why … It’s enough to make me wanna eat Freedom Fries.

     In the meantime, this should be a wake-up call to Mainstream Mass-Media (MSM) and Journalists alike: do your damn jobs!

     Anyone else remember Bernhard “Subway Vigilante” Goetz?

     Back in 1984, he was accosted on a New York subway train by at least three in a group of four black men who intended to rob him (suppose I should give Darrell Cabey the benefit of the doubt, even though he made no attempt to alert Goetz).  Goetz produced a .38 Smith & Wesson and shot all four of them — non-fatally, which wasn’t his intent.
     The subsequent case against Goetz was a huge media event, which quickly engrained itself into American pop culture.  Goetz was eventually acquitted of the crime under New York’s self-defense statutes, although he did serve a few months for having an illegal weapon.
     Some twelve years later in 1996, Darrell Cabey was awarded $43 Million dollars in a successful Civil Suit against Goetz.  Goetz, of course, filed for bankruptcy.

     Even though there are many people who feel Goetz was a racist in using excessive force against his assailants (let’s be honest — that’s what they were), it is widely speculated that this single, highly publicized incident was responsible for the sharp drop in robbery and muggings in 1980’s New York City.

     And why on Earth would I be thinking of Goetz today?

     Blame Captain Ed…

     Two Pratt Institute students were arrested for planting “fake bombs” around the New York City subway, to rage against the machine, to show of the “farce” that is Subway security … just to prove that they could.
     Apparently, umm, they couldn’t.

     What they did prove, however, was that a couple of snivelling, priveledged, caucasian children can stuff newpapers into duffel bags and still be arrested.

     I’ll bet ol’ Bernie Goetz would have made quick work of these asshats.  😉

     In the amazing race to hold onto a fleeting fifteen minutes of fame, many celebrities realize one simple truth: Publicity is Publicity, even if it’s bad. 

     It’s always been my contention that Rush Limbaugh was an entertainer, a bad comedian.  I’ve seen Ann Coulter the same way.  And to be fair, Al Franken, too.
     They stand up, tell a bunch of jokes, get people pissed off, and an angry mob of people who hate them go out and buy their books.  It’s freakin’ brilliant, really!
     However, being balanced, there are just as many people who hang on their every word, treating each outrageous statement as the Gospel Truth (of course, I think there are more people following Al Franken, but that’s beside the point).

     I can’t help but wonder — how would people have reacted if Ann Coulter had first been presented on Saturday Night Live, and Al Franken had been a speaker and author?  Or if Rush Limbaugh had been a character in many popular comedies (including the Simpsons) and Harry Shearer had been a radio talk show host?

     In checking out one of Sam’s finds from a while back (last December’s “Ned Flanders Roasts Ann Coulter“), I ran across yet another great article on Eat the Press (thus the Harry Shearer reference).
     Entitled “The Stephen Colbert-Ann Coulter Challenge,” the article (excerpted from New York magazine) draws some interesting parallels between the two entertainers.  It also brings up the question of why Liberals will bash Coulter so fervently, when the fact is that she and Colbert may be very much the same sort “character.”
     Of course I completely agree with that, having held the opinion that she’s nothing more than a bad comedian for several years.  And the same goes for Rish Limbaugh.  And Al Franken.

     But those Dixie Chicks — they’re just damn Communists!