Posts Tagged with "satire"

Breaking Satire: Casey Anthony’s Sentence Proposed

July 5th, 2011 at 2:56 pm by Mark
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Orlando, FL (Via the Web) – The “Not Guilty” verdict handed down by a Florida jury against Casey Anthony, accused of murdering her two-year-old daughter, Caylee, came as quite a shock to everyone on July 5th, 2011. Judge Belvin Perry has repeatedly reprimanded her defense team over the last week as witnesses continued to use unintroduced evidentiary statements which set the entire process on the verge of mistrial.

Across the country, there was nothing but astonishment as the jury delivered their acquital. Across Social Media sites, there is an overwhelming sense that there is something tremendously wrong in our court systems. “Apparently you can kill your toddler, party for a month, and wait for your mother to report it to the police,” wrote one Twitter user.

Judge Belvin Perry already expects to see Casey Anthony back in court next week for her sentencing phase, as she was found guilty of giving false information to police, which can carry rather severe penalties. “In the interest of fairness,” quoted Perry, “I think it would be in everyone’s best interest to sentence Ms. Anthony to no less than 36 hours of Community Service providing child care to each of the jurors who found her innocent.”

What if Moses Had Internet?

April 11th, 2011 at 3:00 pm by Mark
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Only one thing is certain: he wouldn’t have Jesus on IM …

Stock Photos

Breaking Satire: Woman Hides Drugs in her Vagina

March 22nd, 2011 at 7:32 pm by Mark
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MackaliunasDUNMORE, PA (Via the Web) — On Sunday, March 20th, 2011, Dunmore Police patrolmen Baumann and Cali attended a single vehicle crash on the North Avenue off-ramp of the McDade Expressway.  27-year-old Scranton resident Karin Mackaliunas told police that her coffee cup had rolled under her seat, and she had crashed into the guard rail.

As a tow-truck pulled her car away from the guard rail, a friend of Mackaliunas showed up to give her a ride.  All was fine, until patrolman Cali further investigated an earlier report of theft of linens and a room key from the Dunmore Inn.  He called the cell phone number provided by the motel clerk, and who should answer but Patrolwoman Baumann — holding Mackaliunas’ phone.

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The vicious crime of sheet-stealing notwithstanding, Baumann immediately took Mackaliunas into custody.  A routine frisk revealed three bags of heroin in the suspect’s jacket pocket.

Back at police headquarters, a struggle during her search ended with Mackaliunas being taken to the Dunmore Community Medical Center by another officer.  Armed with rapelling gear, a couple of the PeakPlus tactical flashlight, several two-by-fours and a small crane, doctors performed an invasive body cavity search. Fifty-four additional bags of heroin, thirty-one empty bags used to package heroin, and eight and a half generic Xanax pills were recovered from Mackaliunas’ vagina, along with $51.22 in cash and loose change.

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Mackaliunas, who works part time as a Wishing Well Fountain at the Scranton Mall, was visibily shaken by the ordeal.  While she admits to carrying three bags of heroin in her jacket pocket, as well as an undisclosed number in her underwear, she insists that police planted the evidence. “They’ve done me dirty here,” she said.

Ms. Mackaliunas’ vagina, on the other hand, tells quite a different story, insisting that there were, in fact, eighty-five bags of heroin, and that police stole thirty-one, along with 1.5 generic Xanax’s and additional loose change in the amount of $39.62.

Mackaliunas’ anus concurred, and added, “I’m only glad that they didn’t search me and find the crowbar, two cartons of Misty Light 100’s, two sets of Queen sheets and a motel room key.”

Meanwhile, Dunmore PD’s Internal Affairs division are looking into the claims of evidence theft.  When asked why, the unnamed investigator replied, “Because something definitely smells fishy about this heroin.”

Sources: This article and this article from the Scranton Times-Tribune.

The Cure for What Ails You

November 16th, 2009 at 2:07 am by Mark
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Because sometimes, 200mg is just not enough:

New Advil® 9mm!
For permanent relief of symptoms including, but not limited to, mild to severe migraines, tension and sinus headaches, joint pain and inflammation, constipation, heart problems, diabetes, dry mouth, cancer, clinical and non-clinical depression and anxiety, H1N1 virus, erectile dysfunction, sexually transmitted diseases, intruders, terrorists, door-to-door salesmen, annoying people who just won’t STFU, and those damn raccoons.

Also available in .45 ACP!

WARNING: Do not ingest or insert into rectum.  Not for
use on immediate family or Law Enforcement personnel.

Advil® and the Advil® Logo are copyrights of Wyeth Consumer Healthcare

A Correction from the Editor of blogitude.com

November 11th, 2009 at 11:09 pm by Sam
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On November 10th, 2009, Mark Steel posted the following in the article titled “Video Game Stimulates Consumer Spending“:

An obviously perplexed Obama replied, “Umm…

This quote, attributed to President Barack Obama, was incorrect. The actual quote was:

“Uhhh, well, yes, I mean, well, umm…”

We know that many people rely on us to give unbiased and impartial treatment to breaking news and sincerely regret this lapse in our journalistic integrity, as it diminishes our credibility.

Still, I can see why our writer made this misquote given the circumstances.

As acting Senior Editor of blogitude.com, I apologize, and thank you for bringing this matter to my attention.

Sincerely,
Richard M. Nixon

[ Editor Mark: You left the “a” of ObamA. 😉 lol ]