Posts Tagged with "satire"

Analysts Hopeful About Consumer Spending

November 12th, 2012 at 7:53 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

As the November 13th, 2012 release of Call of Duty: Black Ops II nears, analysts are hopeful about the sudden stimulation in late night consumer retail spending. Not since 2009 has there been such an anticipated video game release, which is assured to cause the Obama camp to issue a statement taking credit for the slight economic upturn.

Many Analysts, however, urge vigilance, as news of an additional rash of unemployment is expected to follow on November 15th, 2012.

Breaking Satire: Casey Anthony’s Sentence Proposed

July 5th, 2011 at 2:56 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , , ,

Orlando, FL (Via the Web) – The “Not Guilty” verdict handed down by a Florida jury against Casey Anthony, accused of murdering her two-year-old daughter, Caylee, came as quite a shock to everyone on July 5th, 2011. Judge Belvin Perry has repeatedly reprimanded her defense team over the last week as witnesses continued to use unintroduced evidentiary statements which set the entire process on the verge of mistrial.

Across the country, there was nothing but astonishment as the jury delivered their acquital. Across Social Media sites, there is an overwhelming sense that there is something tremendously wrong in our court systems. “Apparently you can kill your toddler, party for a month, and wait for your mother to report it to the police,” wrote one Twitter user.

Judge Belvin Perry already expects to see Casey Anthony back in court next week for her sentencing phase, as she was found guilty of giving false information to police, which can carry rather severe penalties. “In the interest of fairness,” quoted Perry, “I think it would be in everyone’s best interest to sentence Ms. Anthony to no less than 36 hours of Community Service providing child care to each of the jurors who found her innocent.”

Get $20 of bonus stock when you make a deposit on Stash!

What if Moses Had Internet?

April 11th, 2011 at 3:00 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Only one thing is certain: he wouldn’t have Jesus on IM …

Breaking Satire: Woman Hides Drugs in her Vagina

March 22nd, 2011 at 7:32 pm by Mark
Tags: , , , , ,

MackaliunasDUNMORE, PA (Via the Web) — On Sunday, March 20th, 2011, Dunmore Police patrolmen Baumann and Cali attended a single vehicle crash on the North Avenue off-ramp of the McDade Expressway.  27-year-old Scranton resident Karin Mackaliunas told police that her coffee cup had rolled under her seat, and she had crashed into the guard rail.

As a tow-truck pulled her car away from the guard rail, a friend of Mackaliunas showed up to give her a ride.  All was fine, until patrolman Cali further investigated an earlier report of theft of linens and a room key from the Dunmore Inn.  He called the cell phone number provided by the motel clerk, and who should answer but Patrolwoman Baumann — holding Mackaliunas’ phone.

The vicious crime of sheet-stealing notwithstanding, Baumann immediately took Mackaliunas into custody.  A routine frisk revealed three bags of heroin in the suspect’s jacket pocket.

Back at police headquarters, a struggle during her search ended with Mackaliunas being taken to the Dunmore Community Medical Center by another officer.  Armed with rapelling gear, a couple of tactical flashlights, several two-by-fours and a small crane, doctors performed an invasive body cavity search. Fifty-four additional bags of heroin, thirty-one empty bags used to package heroin, and eight and a half generic Xanax pills were recovered from Mackaliunas’ vagina, along with $51.22 in cash and loose change.

Mackaliunas, who works part time as a Wishing Well Fountain at the Scranton Mall, was visibily shaken by the ordeal.  While she admits to carrying three bags of heroin in her jacket pocket, as well as an undisclosed number in her underwear, she insists that police planted the evidence. “They’ve done me dirty here,” she said.

Ms. Mackaliunas’ vagina, on the other hand, tells quite a different story, insisting that there were, in fact, eighty-five bags of heroin, and that police stole thirty-one, along with 1.5 generic Xanax’s and additional loose change in the amount of $39.62.

Mackaliunas’ anus concurred, and added, “I’m only glad that they didn’t search me and find the crowbar, two cartons of Misty Light 100’s, two sets of Queen sheets and a motel room key.”

Meanwhile, Dunmore PD’s Internal Affairs division are looking into the claims of evidence theft.  When asked why, the unnamed investigator replied, “Because something definitely smells fishy about this heroin.”

Sources: This article and this article from the Scranton Times-Tribune.

Robinhood: Free Stocks for your Referrals!

The Cure for What Ails You

November 16th, 2009 at 2:07 am by Mark
Tags: , , , , ,

Because sometimes, 200mg is just not enough:

New Advil® 9mm!
For permanent relief of symptoms including, but not limited to, mild to severe migraines, tension and sinus headaches, joint pain and inflammation, constipation, heart problems, diabetes, dry mouth, cancer, clinical and non-clinical depression and anxiety, H1N1 virus, erectile dysfunction, sexually transmitted diseases, intruders, terrorists, door-to-door salesmen, annoying people who just won’t STFU, and those damn raccoons.

Also available in .45 ACP!

WARNING: Do not ingest or insert into rectum.  Not for
use on immediate family or Law Enforcement personnel.

Advil® and the Advil® Logo are copyrights of Wyeth Consumer Healthcare