Archive for January, 2009

Cannibal Consulting

January 30th, 2009 at 12:08 pm by Mark
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currypaste     “Mark, what’s wrong with you today?” (concerned)
     “Sorry, a little shaky.  Low blood sugar… I’ve been busting my ass here all day, and I need food… now…”
     “Man, I need this shit finished, then you can grab some food…” (annoyed)
     “I’m so hungry, I could eat a whore…”
     “You mean horse, right?” (laughing)
     “No, I’m really that hungry… and thinking how nice that’d be boiled in coconut milk, with shallots, garlic and green chili paste…”
     “Uhh, Mark, you’re disturbed, man.” (worried)
     “Ya know, you’re starting to look pretty tasty, yourself.”
     “Uhh, okay, umm…” (more worried)
     “Now you’re starting to sound like our new President, which is good.  I happen to like a mixture of dark and light meat in a curry…”
     “Yeah, okay, uhh… I mean… go grab something…” (fear)
     “I’ll be back soon.”
     “Nah, that’s okay… Just, uhh.. I mean… you can finish whenever…” (scared)

     It was amusing to hear the door locking as I walked out of his office…

     …and they call themselves “headhunters.” *rolls eyes*

Daddy! The top came off!…….

January 28th, 2009 at 5:33 pm by Glenn
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“I’m gonna bar-b-que your ass in molasses!!!!”

Sorry – I removed the video as embedding wasn’t allowed.

(Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnRwQjTYfGI)


The FaceBook Apology

January 26th, 2009 at 12:17 pm by Glenn
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Today I received a message starting out with an apology.  It’s pretty basic.  It’s pretty lame.

Fifteen years ago she told me that I was going nowhere as she ripped out my heart.  Today she offeres an apology and asks me what is going on.  On FaceBook.

So what should my response be?

So far my favorite is “You no longer have the privilege to know”.  I think it speaks loudly enough.  How about you?  Offer up your suggestions and I’ll gladly use it and give you credit.

I’ll phrase it as:

“One of my friends on blogitude.com suggests that …………”

-me

I’ve Got Snot on My Cushion…

January 26th, 2009 at 8:00 am by Glenn
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I’ve got a booger on my finger and I’m looking around my office and I don’t see any kleenex.  Dammit.

“Stick it to the bottom of your chair and flick it off later”, says the little voice.

“Ok”, I say out loud only to find out… Ick – there is other shit down here.  What the hell!  Are they mine?

Probably.

As this seems to be a recurring issue I can’t imagine that I am unique to this experience.  So I dare you to run your hand under your chairs around your house or in your cars.  It is a safe bet you’ll hit crunchy, flakey, dried up pieces of snot somewhere.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying they are yours, but that may not be your thing either.  Maybe you prefer to snort them back and then choke on it as it slides down your throat bouncing back and forth along the walls of your esophagus.  HAACHCHOUGH!!  And then again, maybe you have a spit cup that you use.  Or maybe, just maybe, you aren’t as lazy as I am and you’ll go get something from the bathroom just across the hall.

Anyways, I’ve solved one of my problems.  Now all I have to figure out is: how the hell did I get this shit on my shoe…

What’s With the Post Office?

January 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 am by Mark
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     “Rain, Sleet or Snow.”  That used to be the motto of the Post Office, right?

     Then can someone explain this?

Ship date 1/14/2009
Destination KNOXVILLE,TN 37912-5642
Weight 0.2336
Date/Time Location Details
1/14/2009 5:30 PM EDISON, NJ PICK UP
1/14/2009 5:41 PM RUTHERFORD, NJ ARRIVAL ORIGIN MAIL FACILITY
1/14/2009 7:19 PM RUTHERFORD, NJ PROCESSED
1/15/2009 2:53 AM RUTHERFORD, NJ DEPARTURE ORIGIN MAIL FACILITY
1/17/2009 7:56 AM KNOXVILLE, TN ARRIVAL AT UNIT
1/17/2009 10:33 AM KNOXVILLE, TN DELIVERED
1/19/2009 8:01 AM FOREST PARK, GA ARRIVAL DESTINATION MAIL FACILITY
1/19/2009 10:05 AM FOREST PARK, GA OUT FOR DELIVERY

     It is, of course, now January 22nd, and the package is no closer to being delivered.  Although, it was already delivered.  And then shipped to Atlanta.  Where it’s out for Delivery again.

     Now, I usually wouldn’t bitch about something like this, because it happens on occasion.  But Five out of Five packages sent via USPS between January 9th and January 17th have shown similar disarray.  It is apparent that Knoxville’s 37950 Mail Facility has lost a few trucks…
     And I have customers breathing down my neck waiting on all this stuff… Guaranteed 2-Day Shipping to most major centers, indeed.  Apparently, Knoxville is no longer important.

     Although, I do feel sorry for the poor bastard who’s apparently walking from Atlanta to deliver this… Those hills around Chattanooga are a real bitch…