I could make a regular series of “Weird Shit I’ve Heard Tonight.”   But only because this night isn’t any different than any other night … well, except those nights I stay home playing the Xbox 360… Which I do a lot of.  By choice.

     Tonight … ?

     “Computers are smarter than me, so if I use them, I can learn something,” she said.
     “A computer is a tool,” I said as I pulled a screwdriver from my coat pocket.  “It’s only as smart as the shit people put in it.  Can you learn anything from this?”
     “But I already know how to screw,” she said, looking at the screwdriver I was taking back from her hand.

     *cough*

     Believe me, I’ll carry a wrench in my coat pocket from now on…

Any powerpoint attachments sent to any of my accounts will now be forwarded immediately to Bill Gate’s Personal E-Mail address and then deleted.

I don’t care that it’s 3AM. I don’t care that you are “half-here”. Just get it done!

Well, it didn’t go like that, but it was pretty close. I’ve had to rely on Mark for last minute shit for what, 4 or 5 years now? Have I ever gotten shit on for it? Well one time I saw a semi-vague, yet polite, blog post about it, but otherwise, NO.

What’s my point. Let me see. This is my point.

Mark has saved my ass a number of times and there is no way to express gratitude, saving cash/check/credit card, from 2500 miles away. So for this I say: FUCK YOU! Your the best! And I am not GAY!

Fucker

     I notice a great many people aren’t sleeping.  Everyone keeps looking for the elusive Mr. Sandman.  Even Glenn has complained, blaming Hulu for his lack of sleep.  But no one has considered the fact that I may be behind it all.
     As a rather undelightful pair of asshats have already pointed out, I am Pure Evil™.  It’s okay to say that, because I’m used to it.  That fact was always reinforced by my mother, who claims that I am the Antichrist.  Although, I’m pretty sure Revelations 17:4 says what that makes her… 
     And since someone else pointed out that everything is my fault, I figured I might as well come clean for the sake of conspiracy.

     The fact is, I’m holding Mr. Sandman for ransom until my demands are met.

     My demands are simple, and finite.  First, I need Remastered editions of the complete works of Ella Fitzgerald and The Ink Spots.  Second, I need a the Xbox version of Flashpoint: Dragon Rising.  Third, I need safe passage to London, England, where I have some old business to take care of.

     And lastly, if you all ever want to sleep again, one meeeeeeellion dollars.
     *holds pinky to side of mouth*

     Yeah, not buying it?  Me, either.  I’m just not arrogant enough to even pull that kind of shit.

     Happy Birthday, Susan.

     Can’t say it better than I did last year… Only now… even more is missing.