Author Archive for Mark

After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnetâ„¢ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy. Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.

Twilight: Because Brokeback Mountain Wasn’t Gay Enough

March 30th, 2012 at 5:13 pm by Mark
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It’s no big secret that Twilight is more gay than Zacque’s house key

Honesty Not Always the Best Policy for Online Dating

March 29th, 2012 at 5:23 pm by Mark
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Although, you have to admire how straightforward he was about it.

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Government Gas Coupons Now in Circulation

March 28th, 2012 at 5:17 pm by Mark
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If anyone has a spare few of these, please send them my way so that I don’t have to take out a second mortgage on the house just to fill the gas tank.

The Condom Conundrum

March 27th, 2012 at 5:31 pm by Mark
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Paradoxical product placement by Erwin Shrödinger’s great grandson, Bobby Jim.

Still, with this image, I can’t help but think it was the store’s lack of condom ads on the beer & wine aisle that got them into that mess, anyway…

Note: Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is a purely a freakin’ joke.

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There’s a Reason This Guy is Single

March 26th, 2012 at 5:38 pm by Mark
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Perhaps Jessica doesn’t care for his incessant references to Star Wars. Perhaps she’s worried about his obsessive attention to fantasy. Perhaps it’s disheartening that he won’t take “no,” for an answer. But the primary reason Jessica doesn’t want to be with him is because he WANTS TO CUT HER OPEN, PULL OUT HER GUTS AND CLIMB INSIDE HER TO KEEP WARM! WHAT THE FUCK?!