Author Archive for Mark

After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnetâ„¢ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy. Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.

Darwinism: Now Available on the iPhone

February 4th, 2014 at 3:04 pm by Mark
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The Roof-Jump Danger Analyzer app for iOS looks like a great way to help keep some inferior chromosomes out of the gene pool.

Roof-Jump Danger Analyzer.  Simply point your phone's camera at the ground, and Roof-Jump Danger Analyzer will determine the likelihood of injury if you jumped from that height, and then tell you to do it anyway.  Approximate Height: 15 feet.  Damage Estimate: Broken ankles likely.  Conclusion: Do it, man. It'll be awesome.

Prefer Real Boobs?

February 3rd, 2014 at 9:30 pm by Mark
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Interesting choice of t-shirt, considering…

Guess?  About $7,000?

Get $20 of bonus stock when you make a deposit on Stash!

Alcohol Is a Solution

February 3rd, 2014 at 7:01 pm by Mark
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It’s also great to clean the white spots from your bathroom mirror so you can take more embarrassing, drunken selfies.

Technically speaking, Alcohol is a solution

JCPenney Drunk for Superbowl

February 3rd, 2014 at 5:02 pm by Mark
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The first step in every 12-step program should be, “Put down the keyboard.”

@JCPenney: "Toughdown Seadawks!! Is sSeattle going toa runaway wit h this???"  @Kia: "Hey, @jcpenney need a designated driver?"   Go Home, JCPenney.  You're drunk.

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Are You a Problem Solver?

February 3rd, 2014 at 3:41 pm by Mark
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I should have slept in ’til noon on this, the most Monday of Mondays.

When people tell me, "You're gonna regret that in the morning," I sleep in till noon because I'm a problem solver.