This morning, I got a call from a customer who was attempting to use the Tennessee Purchasing Division’s Notice of Award and Bid Opportunities system.  It’s a pretty common situation: the State has some software that was written many, many years ago, and haven’t bothered to update it.  They ask users to download a plugin which doesn’t work on Windows XP, and is unsupported by IBM.

     First call, I ask to speak with anyone who can handle some website issues.  The phone rings and rings, and eventually someone picks it up, and hangs up on me.

     The second call, I get an operator who insists on connecting me with the bids department.  When I get there, I’m told, “I don’t handle that!” and promptly get hung up on.

     On the third call, the first operator answers again and tells me that I should talk to “Random Government Employee” (RGE).
     “Hi, RGE, I’m calling for a vendor.  We’re having some issues using the website,” I explain.
     “What seems to be the problem?” he monotones.
     “Well, the viewer software that you guys direct people to download isn’t compatible with XP.  It hasn’t been updated since 2004.”
     “Yes it does work with XP!” he responds angrily.
     “Well, my customer has tried it, I’ve tried it, and it doesn’t work.”
     “We use it here!” he interjects.
     “Well, that would probably be a different one, made to work with your printing system.  There’s another…”
     “No, there’s only one!” he interrupts.
     “Okay, anyway, it doesn’t work.”
     “Yes it does!” he yells.
     He promptly hangs up on me.

     Now, three calls, three hangups, I’m getting a little annoyed.

     Fourth call, I speak with Operator #2 again, and she directs me to someone, but refuses to tell me the person’s name.  Ok.
     “This is RGE.  Can I help you?”
     “Yes, I was calling about the website.  Do you handle technical issues?” I ask.
     “I can handle some,” she responds.  “It depends on what it is.”
     “Well, the APF viewer software that’s linked from the website doesn’t work with XP…”
     “Yes it does,” she states bluntly.
     “No, ma’am, it doesn’t.  It comes up with an installer error.  The IBM website has no XP compatibility listed.  The file is marked ‘old and unsupported’ and the ‘new’ file to replace that, which is supposedly compatible with XP doesn’t have a print button.”
     “Yes it does,” she states bluntly, again.
     “Ma’am, I’ve attempted this on two machines.  The customer has tried it on theirs.  Setup will not run.”
     “It works fine.  We run XP, and it works fine.”
     She hangs up.
     Apparently, ‘some’ technical support meant, “If I feel like you’re worth talking to.”

     I told my customer what was going on.

     In the meantime, they’d called and spoken with a different RGE.
     “Your firewall is blocking it.”
     How this has anything to do with a program that won’t install is beyond me.

     Playing, “yes it does / no it doesn’t,” with adults is bothersome enough.  There are no questions: “You are wrong!” is the resounding argument.  They won’t listen to the issue, just want to argue, and have no intention of helping anyone.
     And the hanging up thing?  That’s just asinine.  I could see the point if I was calling screaming at them, cursing or just generally being a jerk, but I’m not.  I don’t do that.  I have to keep some semblance of civility.  I mean, after all, I am calling them for assistance…

     But no.

     No assistance.  No civility.  Nothing but a dialtone.

     It wouldn’t be the first time something like that has happened, either.  Dealing with the State Department of Education was just as difficult given a situation that didn’t exactly fit any specific criteria.  Dealing with a Sales and Use Tax office that can’t process anything in a timely fashion unless you physically wave it under their noses isn’t very helpful either.  Neither can the Department of Vital Records get their heads out to do what they say they’re gonna do…

     Certainly, the culture in Tennessee Government is pretty far removed from the way it used to be.  And these days, there’s no one to even complain to when there’s a problem.
     So do we do the typical thing and blame the influx of rude immigrants, or should this growing problem be placed squarely at the feet of Governor Phil Bredesen?  The way it is now, I’d rather be talking to Indians.  At least then I can eventually get transferred to a manager…

If not of satan, then a spawn of said demon.
They are almost as bad as Wal-Mart, yet another corporate money-grubber I hate with a purple passion.

I went to pay my monthly Comcast bill online by check, although I didn’t have much money and needed money right away so I went to the check into cash on getwell. Have technology, why not use it. Save a stamp, save a tree.
Well, when I clicked submit, it gave me an error message and number, which I’m glad I wrote down. So, I called and went through an seemingly endless barrage of the same automated questions being asked over and over by an annoying voiced robot. Then, as has been every other time I’ve called Comcast, I was put into the standard holding pattern like an Airbus 300 waiting to land at Los Angeles International Airport.

I was given clearance to land, and began my decent into the always fun world of call center customer service.

I spoke with girl this time who said she didn’t see any pending payments or anything and that I should just make my payment over the phone.

So, I did. With my debit card, which goes immediately. Come to find out 30 minutes later, the internet payment had went through and here is my confirmation.

So, I call them (Comcast) back, I go through the automated answering phone maze again and back into the standard holding pattern like an F16 circling Baghdad, only to talk to a not so pleasant or helpful fellow named Josh. They can’t stop either payment, he says.
“Hello.” Say I, Just reverse the charges on the debit card, pal!!??!!”

To which Josh says repeatedly, “I’m sorry, ma’am. Once payments are through, they are through and there is nothing we can do about it. I spent more than 45 minutes of my valuable time, not to mention all the hold time, fighting with Josh about how all of this is not my fault.
I would have never paid over the phone had I not received an error message up on the clicking of the submit button.

So, I get on my cell phone and call the bank whilst on hold . And, as the useless bloodsuckers they are, can’t stop any payments, as both are technically electronic payments.

Color me screwed. So two payments in the amount of $153.00 are going to be sucked out of my bank account because Comcast’s website sucks on severely proportionate levels

Now I’m on hold with them again, as they always have higher than normal call volume.

     Last week, I inherited a website maintenance customer from a partner company.  After getting everything working on Wednesday afternoon with the Indexer team, I sat back and waiting until the next time they’d call.

     On Thursday, I was forwarded an e-mail saying there was an additional issue with their site.  I looked at the file dates, and of course, one of the files in their e-Commerce software had been modified at 9:03AM on 19-Apr-2007.  I rebuilt the file, inserted the requisite variables, and called the customer.
     “No, I haven’t been in it,” he said.  “I just got this stuff yesterday.”
     Clearly, someone had.  The site worked perfectly fine when I left it on Wednesday.  Regardless, I took his explanation, and asked that he setup an account with us.
     “No, all this stuff should be part of the Setup,” he monotoned.  “My wife does all of the billing, anyway.”  Eventually, he promised to have her called me on Friday, 20-Apr-2007.

     Friday came and went without a phone call.

     Monday came, and there were new issues.  At 3:30PM, interns at the company called me to tell me that they were unable to login to the website’s backend yet again.
     Investigation showed that files had been changed at 2:30PM, an hour before they called.  I told them I would call them back, made the required changes, and got it all up and running again.

     The first intern I talked to didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the person who did that.
     Of course, the second intern didn’t know anything about setting up an account with us, but would pass me onto the owner.  “Oh, she’s not in, but I’ll have her call you back tomorrow!”

     Today … I never received a call from them.  I called the company again, attempted to speak to the owner, and was told, “Oh, I’m sorry she didn’t call you back.  But she doesn’t know you, and isn’t comfortable setting up an account when she doesn’t know what it’s for.”
     “It’s for fixing your website,” I explained.  “I’ve been trying to get hold of her since last week.”
     “No, really?  You didn’t talk to anyone here,” she said in a sarcastic tone.
     “No, I spoke with your sysadmin, her husband, last Thursday,” I explained.  “We need to get this situation resolved.  I need to speak with her, and get this straightened out.”
     “Well, what is it that you do?” she asked.
     “Well, you call us for help, we fix it.  Like when you called me yesterday,” I explained.
     “Well, she doesn’t know you, and, uhh, we might not use you anyway.”
     “That’s a bit rough,” I said firmly.  “You’re leaving me in a position where my only recourse is to revert the fixes I’ve made and leave you with it.  I don’t want to have to do that…”
     “Well, okay, I’ll call her right now,” she agreed.

     An hour later, I get a call from my partner company.
     “Mark, she’s going off that you’re making terrorist threats against her website!”
     “Man, I’m still trying to get hold of her.  Her intern said she wouldn’t call me because they don’t know me.”
     “That’s ridiculous … I sent them the e-mail last week!” he exclaimed.
     “Yeah, and it’s their sysadmin’s position that if they break anything on the site right now, that they’ve already paid for it with setup,” I explained.  “But he’s going to have his wife call me, only, she won’t talk to me, because she doesn’t know me.”
     “Well, she said she’s not going to do business with any company that starts making terroristic threats against her website.”
     “Maybe you should give her the number for Homeland Security,” I told him.

     We had a bit of a laugh at the nonsense of the situation.

     Nobody can fault me on my Customer Service skills.  For that matter, no one can say I’ve ever been unfair when issues like these have arisen.

     This is simply a client who’s attempting to get out of paying their bill.  A previous maintenance company allowed them to pay with barter dollars, so I’m guessing they’re a bit miffed at having to come up with cash or a credit card to for the service.

     Some customers nobody needs.

     But in the meantime — I’m a website terrorist!  *thumbs up*

     Should I start wearing a turban?

     This morning, at 6AM, my telephone rang.
“Hello?”
I was greeted by a recorded message telling me about the wonders of Globalization, and how Offshoring can help my business.  I hung up.  The phone rang again, and when I answered, the recording continued.

I called back the number of my caller ID — 703-738-6669.  It took two tries to get to a human being, who explained that she was with Arctern Incorporated, and was based in — no big surprise — India.

I asked her why their company was calling people in the United States at 6AM.
She began reading a broken-English essay about offshoring.
I told her that at 6AM, no one was open to that kind of drivel.  I also informed her that since I’m on US/Eastern, it was later here than anywhere else in the US, and that her and company have NO BUSINESS calling ANYONE in the United States at that time.
“Sir, perhaps you should speak to our marketing department.”
“I will not speak to your marketing company Thrive Themes.  You are officially informed that you are not to call this number ever again, and right now, you’ll be extremely lucky if I don’t file a nuisance complaint and have your Fairfax, Virginia telephone number disconnected.”
At that point, I hung up.

Arctern’s website lists all sorts of buzzwords.  “Outsourcing.”  “Offshoring.”  “Technology.”  “Research.”

To learn more about the latest trend on websites with online services, look at these guys – WebDesign499.

I only consider that their “Outsouced,” “Offshore” corporation was unable to leverage “Technology” and “Research” Time Zones before they started mass-dialing the United States at 6AM.

Arctern Incorporated get the Asshat-of-the-Day award.

     It’s no small surprise that I eat a lot of fast food.  I wake up at 5AM, start working and pretty well don’t quit until some time in the evening.  McDonald’s for breakfast, maybe Wendy’s for lunch and anywhere for dinner.  But in all of that, I don’t get napkins unless I ask for them, the usual reply being a sulky, eye-rolling, “Here!”  Most of the time, I don’t notice until I’m already back on the Interstate.

     It’s seriously impossible to eat a Wendy’s triple with cheese without napkins, unless you’re one of those weirdos who enjoys being covered in grease.  It takes at least four napkins.  McChicken?  One napkin.  Double Whopper?  Two napkins.  Arby’s Beef & Cheddar?  One.  Add barbecue and Horsey Sauce?  Three.
     But do they put any in the damn bag?  Not in 2007.

     It changed fast, too.  Right on up to New Years Eve, there was no shortage of Napkins.  I’d have thirty or forty in every bag.  But sharply on January first, that sort of excess stopped.

     The Napkin Shortage has been stressful not only for food-covered consumers, but for the drive-up workers themselves.  One incident of a worker’s traumatic stress, at Wendy’s on Emory Road, particularly stands out.
     “Can I get some napkins, please?” I asked.
     The girl rolled her eyes, huffed and slammed the window shut.
     Eventually the Manager came to the window.  “Is there a problem with your order, sir?”
     “I’d just like some napkins, please.”
     “Can you please pull up, sir?”
     “Why?  I’d just like some napkins, please.”
     “Ok, well, if you’ll pull up, someone will bring you some.”
     Pull up … For napkins?
     It apparently took several minutes to locate a napkin.  When the girl finally came out — nearly ten minutes later — she brought one napkin.
     “Uhhhh, sorry, but I need at least two, please,” I said.
     She huffed, rolled her eyes, and stormed back inside, never to return.

     The most common Moonbat Conspiracy Theory dictates that this Napkin shortage was caused due to McDonald’s bringing back the McRib, causing a tenfold increase in the use of fast food napkins.  They claim that this move was a way to crush the competition by consuming all of the napkins meant for use at other fast food chains, so that McDonald’s would be the only place to have any.  However, this Theory is easily discredited due to the facts that other fast food chains have different colored napkins, and McDonald’s themselves are affected by this blight as well.
     Other conspiracies abound, some more radical than others.  Typically, President George W. Bush gets blamed for this shortage by liberals.  The Knights of Ku Klux Klan blame illegal immigrants.  And, of course, the Neo-Nazi Skinheads blame the Jews.

     As consumers, however, the best thing that we can do is remain vigilant in the face of this adversity, and hope that shortage will end soon.