It’s no big secret I haven’t been reading a lot of other blogs for a while.  It’s not because I’m a selfish ass, it’s just about time.  Well, that, and that I can’t find an RSS reader I like.  Quite honestly, I wish I had a nipple on my ass just for Google Reader.  While it works well for many, I have nothing but problems with it.

     I’ve been hitting a lot of tangent reads, however, while looking at stats, and I’ve come across some that are just fit right in with my own twisted sense of humor.

      FU, Penguin is absolutely brilliant.  As an animal lover, I just can’t help but look at the beautiful pictures, and think about all the wonderful things this author has to say about each one of God’s creatures.  It just warms my heart, and sometimes, even gives me a woody. I love this blog so much, that I may actually buy the book rather than downloading it from Limewire.

     I found this next blog due to some 17-year-old prick from Michigan writing a crap article about the Ten Five Worst Blogs Ever.  Apparently, his math skills were as bad as his authorship.  I think it comes from buying too many fake drugs from 8 Mile.  So STFU, kiddo.  Eminem you are not.  And neither is Eminem.
     And thus is the introduction to one of my new favorite reads, The Worst SEO Blog Ever!, however SEOHack hasn’t written in days because he’s too busy microblogging stupid shit on Twitter.  If he could pull his head out of his rectum for five minutes, I’d actually like to have a chat with him, because, as the blog suggest, his SEO Blog is tremendously poor, while his SEO Skill is extremely high.  Irreverent, intelligent, and insightful as it may not be, I thoroughly enjoy reading it.

     And while we’re on the subject of finely attuned, irreverent link-whores, we certainly can’t forget our good friend Fracas, who’s closed her old wordpress.com blog in favor of her own domain so that she can put up ads to her heart’s — and pocket book’s — delight.
     Don’t spend all those pennies in one place, Fracas, mah dear.  I mean, seriously, one good Snickers bar, and the blog fund will be broke all over again. 😉

     Ahh, the Internet is a fun place.

     Good night, and good luck.

     Because Fracas asked, and I’m in hyper-stupid, crotchety mode, I’m gonna do The Fuckit List based on some of the ridiculous, inflammatory crap I came up with last night.

     So let’s see how many people I can piss off in one go…

1. The “Fuck you! I have a black president!” Mentality – Fuckit!
     I’m driving down the road, minding my own business, and a mo’fuck’n’ deer done run out and hit my car!  Oops, no, wrong story.

     Instead, no, it’s an African American Obama Voter who sees me coming, but just can’t seem to resist stepping off the curb directly in the path of my motor vehicle.  Since there are cars parked to the right and oncoming traffic to the left, by the Grace of Christ, I manage to stop in time and avoid getting yet another dent on my hood.  Damn deer…
     But it’s close… I’m only inches away from the guy, and he slams his fists down on my hood like I’ve done something wrong, and yells:
     “Fuck you!  I have a Black President!” 

     Do you not respond?  Oh, suffer the thought.

     “No, fuck YOU!  You have a half-white president!  And he’s mine too, in case you didn’t notice!  Now get the fuck out of the road!”
     “Fuck you!” he yells back, giving me the double-fisted finger, and still standing there blocking the road.
     I rev the engine and lay down on the horn.
     Suddenly, there’s another voice from across the street.  “Hey, get yo’ ass over here and leave that white boy alone!”
     “Sorry, grandad,” he replies humbly and walks out of the way.  But he can’t seem to resist sneakily turning and giving me  another flip before he disappears from view.

     So dude, regardless of whether you a have a black president, a white president, or even a black and tan president, I completely fail to comprehend what this has to do with the fact that you are still an asshole.

2. The “Now That I Have a Black President, I Finally Have Some Opportunity” Mentality – Fuckit!
     I must reference Mr. Dobransky’s wonderful post:

I overheard a convenience store employee say that “now that President Obama is in office, he was going to finally get an “opportunity”. So I asked how long he has worked at the store and it turns out he was one of the assistant managers and has been for like 5 years.

     I just don’t get it.  Opportunity to what?  Pull out the Racism and “get back” at people?  Keep yelling, “I have a Black President!”?  Get an economic stimulus check just like you did last year under the “other” guy, only this time nobody’s complaining that it’ll bankrupt the IRS and giving Obama all the credit for the idea?

     The mind boggles.

3. Economic Bailouts of the Auto Manufacturing, Banking and Mortgage Industries – Fuckit!
     The company fails while misusing shareholder equity and screwing all their investors.  Meanwhile, the company’s leadership get multi-million dollar raises.

     “Dude, I just lost $10,000 of my friend’s money playing Blackjack. Give me $10,000 so I can pay him $5,000 of it back and buy some hookers with the rest.  k?”

     Do I have stupid stamped across my forehead?

4. The Economy Sucks — and it’s Your Fault – Fuckit!
     It really is your fault.  Everyone keeps telling you the economy sucks, and you fall for it like a sheep. 

     We’re not a gold-based currency standard any more.  Our economy is based on faith in the purchasing power of our hard-earned cash, a system which has many, many flaws.  Fighting politicians attempt to circumvent a perfectly reasonable economy by spreading rumors and conjecture so that they can come in and save the day at the last minute by reinvigorating peoples’ faith.
     The plan is to feed you a line of bullshit, and come out looking like they’ve actually done something, when the reality is that all they did was add uncertainty and doubt to a paranoid public and fuck things up.

     Economic and Stock Analysts get on TV, telling you, “Buy this, buy that.  Do this, do that.”  Usually, by the time you get into it, those Analysts have already bailed, leaving you losing money.  That’s what they do.  It’s to make them money, and it’s market manipulation, plain and simple.  
     The banks keep screwing around with mortgage rates — so they can make more money.  Rental agencies keep raising the rates — so they can make more money.  And they are… because you keep falling for it!

     Sure, there’s some turmoil in the job market, but as these greedy companies fail, there’s always a new one there to take its place.   Unemployment really isn’t that bad.  People are spending money on frivolous items.  Gas is cheaper than it has been in years.

     The economy rocks.

     And no, Obama didn’t do it.

5. The Civil Rights Act – Fuckit!
     I’m sick and tired of explaining the differences between the Civil Rights Act and the Civil Rights Movement.  They are two entirely different things.  The Civil Rights Movement sought to help America desegregate, and put an end to the racist BS that went on for far too long.
     The Civil Rights Act decodified a lot of laws, and gave people the right to sue someone else for a crapton of money, often for no good reason.  It did not give blacks the right to vote — they already had that.  It did not empower minorities.  It did not do shit except give them the right to spend what little, hard-earned cash most of them had on an attorney, only to be told, “Sorry, we can’t sue for that, have a nice day!” by some prick of a white lawyer.

     If you read between the lines, that’s right…  I said John F. Kennedy was an asshole.  In pushing that crap, he perpetrated one of the biggest frauds on the American public ever.  And people still haven’t read the friggin’ thing, forty years later.

     Frivolous Lawsuits, boys and girls.  That’s what the Civil Rights Act is all about.  It didn’t have a damn thing to do the Civil Rights Movement, otherwise Louisiana might be compliant already.

     Now, I’m wondering if I can sue that idiot I mentioned in Number 1… He like, violated my Civil Rights… or something…

6. The Situation where Asshats Meddle in My Life – Fuckit!
     Speaking of “falling for anything,” it seems like Kentucky has an endless supply of idiots who continue to cause problems by calling my business over and over or showing up at my door based on — and spreading — some of the most ridiculous, small-town slander that I’ve ever heard.
     It has escalated to the point where people are getting seriously hurt, and if the present trend continues, I fear that someone’s going to end up dead.  But if the past few months are any indication, it’s probably not gonna be me.

     It’s hard to get Restraining Orders against the anonymous.  I actually toyed with the idea that next time, I’ll just stand there and let them do whatever it is they wanna do just to keep from hurting someone else and avoid the anxiety, guilt and depression that alway follows…
     I’ve also toyed with the idea of disappearing completely and starting a new life somewhere far away.  I thought really hard about that, and realized it wouldn’t solve a damn thing, because there are some things in life which are important, things which I cannot — and will not — let go of.

     For everything else … Fuckit.

     So that’s my Fuckit List.  And I’m breaking the rules about tagging people.

     So, Tag.  You’re it.

     Here’s a fun little link-sharing Meme, courtesy of Fracas, that could devolve rather quickly into something a little less than wholesome:

Remember when we were kids and at every opportunity, some adult would have us play that silly Telephone game? You know… the one where the lead person comes up with a sentence or statement, whispers it into the ear of the next person in line, and the sentence is passed from person to person until it reaches the end of the line. The last person then repeats the sentence out loud, the first person announces what it actually was, and everyone gets to laugh about how goofy it got by being passed from ear to ear and being altered because of mispronunciations and hearing ability.

Of course I realize that the game was simply a means for adults to keep us in line while we were waiting for something or killing time. Haven’t we even now as adults, tried to use it on our own kids?

Being the silly kind of fracas that I am, I’ve decided to create an internet version of the game, and use it as an opportunity for link-getting. Everyone wants links, and yet lots of people I know, prefer to get their links in a non-obvious kind of way. We’ve all done the “copy this list and create a post and you’ll get links” type of tag… at least once, but most of us don’t want to fill our blogs with those posts. It may get links, but eventually will chase readers away.

This is a fun way to give your readers something entertaining to read and get a few links too.

Instructions:

If you’ve been tagged, check the last entry on the list.  Copy this entire post, add your name and link to the end of the list, copy the sentence in the previous person’s entry and change ONE word in it to try and change the meaning of the sentence for your entry. Name and link only ONE person to tag and then post the whole thing as a new entry in your own blog.  Please make sure to transfer all the links to your post otherwise you aren’t providing fair linkage to the people before you.  Although this will take longer to get around, by tagging only one person you will avoid making mass enemies by having to tag many people, and it will also guarantee only one true version of the game is circulating out there. Fracas, the creator, will attempt to keep tabs on the game and periodically report on it.

Please try not to tag someone you see is already on the list. If you’re on the list, have been tagged again by someone who didn’t pay attention to the instructions and you don’t want to do another turn, please leave a comment at this post over at Fracas, and Fracas will take your turn for you in order to keep the list going.

1. Fracas – http://fracas.wordpress.com writes: 
     Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

2. Mark @ Blogitude – https://blogitude.com/ writes:
     Never continue dating anyone who is nude to the waiter.

Mark Tags …. Wiggy @ Matters of Little Consequence

Tagged by fracas…

So…

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

1. It’s A Blog Eat Blog World
2. More Random Than Average
3. Bluepaintred
4. Fracas
5. Diva (blogitude.com)

NEXT select five people to tag:

(Since I really don’t know anyone at all and nobody really knows me, I guess it doesn’t really matter who I piss off now does it? Let’s play tag, shall we?  *wink*)

1. RealityMe
2. Mark – my pal.  I owe him big.
3. Journey from Grr to There
4. My other blog is a Porche
5. Sugar Queen’s Dream

THEN answer the following Questions:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Everything I could possibly do to survive a gnarley divorce from a man who had no clue, with 2 young children to support.   

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Graduating from college (yay me!).
Met the man of my dreams (just didn’t realize right then)
Singing karaoke every Wednesday and Friday night at CatScratch Janes.

Five snacks you enjoy:
(yah, I’m a picture of health over here)
Jalapeno Poppers
Onion Rings
Apples
Hawaiian Sweet Onion Kettle Chips by Snyder (GRUB!)
Hot Pepper Beef Jerky

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
I Try – Macy Gray
Dreams – Fleetwood Mac
At Last – Etta James
That’s How I Got To Memphis – Darryl Dodd
Say It Right – Nelly Furtado

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
Find a nice big ass house on the lake with plenty of land
New cars for the whole bunch of hoodlums that I claim as family
College fund for Amanda, Tyler and Natalie (I keep hoping she’ll go back)
Clothes, clothes and shoes to match the clothes
Lipo and boob job

Five bad habits:
Cuss like a sailor
Drink like a fish
Smoke like a freight train
Lay out of the gym to go to the bar
Not being clear enough sometimes

Five things you like doing:
Sleeping in the same bed with my man
Drinking cold beer and laughing at stupid stuff with friends
Singing karaoke (go me!)
Making out
Learning guitar

Five things you would never wear again:
Jelly shoes (those icky plastic things.. eww)
Parchute pants
Goofy short shorts we used to wear to the roller-rink
Leg warmers
Head bands

Five favorite toys:
Karaoke machine
Hot pink guitar that I’m finally learning to play
Shot glass collection
Scrapbook junk
Computer

Monday Melee

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

I hate the fact that there are so many awful people out there that would wait until their wife/girlfriend/lover is about to burst at the seams with impending child birth and kill them.  I mean, come on.  If a man is cheating, or doesn’t want a baby, or whatever… WALK OUT ASSHOLE!  Don’t kill her because you are a bottom-feeding freak of nature. 

Don’t prey on someone who is in too vunerable a condition to be able to appropriately fight back.  She (and her baby) has a right to live.

Pure evil.

And, as usual, drama queens and attention whores will forever be something I just loathe.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

I have only one in mind, and I’m not so sure it would be a good thing.  So, since I can’t say something nice today, I’ll keep my yap shut.  ZZZZZip.

I will expose myself though.  I am a complete fake.  I am not the sweet, kind, loving, caring, angelic individual that you all know and love.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

I’m unhappy that I am simply not a morning person.  I would go so far as to say I’m anti-morning.  I manage to drag myself out of bed just in time to have a shower, pour some coffee down my throat and drive to work with my head hanging out the window in order to get that wicked windblown look. So, I am unhappy that I can’t appreciate a new day any earlier than 5:00pm.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

Today I give my fiancee complete and total credit for putting up with my constant string of shit.  I generally give him a run for his money.  But, lately I’ve been extremely emotional (imagine that) and have been taking him on the rollercoaster ride of the century.  Lately I’ve been worse than a spoiled 5 year old.  He over looks my sarcasm most of the time and doesn’t take it totally personal.  Go Tony.  You’re one hell of a man, man.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

I think it’s good that I can admit being a total ass-munch.  See #4.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

This week to hurry and be over.  We go on vacation next week.  So, all the good stuff I wished for on last week’s Melee may just come true. 

At least the cold beer and sex part.

Go Diva, Go Diva, Go Diva

Now it’s your turn.

You can take part in The Monday Melee, even make it a regular feature at your site by visiting The Monday Melee page and following the steps. Kick-start your brain on Mondays and meet other bloggers.