Ladies… If your man doesn’t know how to fire a weapon, you’ve got a girlfriend.

As expected, nearly 1.5 million jobs were terminated today after the midnight release of Call of Duty: Black Ops II. Due to a complete lack of production, the Dow Industrial closed at nearly 60 points down today, despite the sharp upturn in retail spending. Economic Analysts are still skeptical, given the expected 1% rise in unemployment claims due for Wednesday, November 14th.

As the November 13th, 2012 release of Call of Duty: Black Ops II nears, analysts are hopeful about the sudden stimulation in late night consumer retail spending. Not since 2009 has there been such an anticipated video game release, which is assured to cause the Obama camp to issue a statement taking credit for the slight economic upturn.

Many Analysts, however, urge vigilance, as news of an additional rash of unemployment is expected to follow on November 15th, 2012.

“Oh, you have a scrape on your knee? Well, under Obamacare, then you have to give me two ice creams a month for me to put a Band-Aid and some Neosporin on it. If you don’t have two ice creams, then we’re gonna make the store give them to you, and you have to give them to me for your Band-Aid.”

It doesn’t matter who you vote for — as long as you get out and vote! But regardless of the winner, you’re still gonna get screwed.