Say, did you hear the one about the Tennessee State Trooper and the Porn Star??? Sounds like the start of a really bad joke, huh? Actually, it’s funnier than a room full of Michael Jackson impersonators whipping each other with wet spaghetti noodles, but it’s no joke.

James Randy Moss, of the Tennessee Highway Patrol, had an anonymous complaint filed against him by a cupie doll named Justis Richert in Nashville, TN.

We here in beautiful KnoxVegas should be proud to boast that Justis, a.k.a. Barbie Cummings *snicker*, is a Knoxvillian. Let’s pause and give Barbie some well-deserved kudos. She makes our community proud by being a big-time porn star who makes her living by flying back and forth to the City of Angels to shoot her fair share of scenes.

I would now like to paraphrase for you how the skinny goes down:

Occifer Perv-A-Lot (OP): Hey sexy, can I see your license & registration?

[Queue Saxaphone Music]

Local Porn Queen (LPQ): Why yes occifer. Here’s my license and registration.

OP: Well, these seems in order. (Hiking up pants, Barney style) Miss Richert, do you have any drugs on you or in your ride?

LPQ: Why hell yes I do. Want some? They are my happy pills, they make me happy and extremely horny. Oh, by the way, I’m a porn star. I can rock your world, baby.

OP: Realllllly now? You aren’t just saying that to get my manhood roaring and to get me into some serious trouble later?

LQP: Oh, no, occifer. I wouldn’t do that in a million and one years. Don’t you have a lappytop in your crusie-woosie. I can show you my work. By the way, my stage name is Barbie Cummings. *snicker*

OP: Well, first, Miss Cummings *snicker*, you’ll need to give me those pills so I can fix your problem. (OP scatters dim pills in da bushes) Now lets take a little stroll on back to my cruiser and we’ll see just how good you really are. How’s that sound?

LQP:  Well, okay.  I think that was really neat what you did.

(Getting into the cruiser and turning on lappy)

OP:   Wow, girl.  Look at you go.  Say, what’ll it take for a nasty, middle aged, perv with a badge to get up next to a sweet thang like you?

LQP:  Jeez, I don’t know.  Maybe if you tape it with your cruiser camera so I can remember you.

OP:  Fine by me.

Some various acts of a sexual nature were captured by Occifer DipShit as he rolled tape.  You know Barbie might have fear of performing action without the lights and cameras.

To make a long story even longer, this guy gives her a copy of the tape….  Where she….you guessed it… POSTED IT ON HER WEBSITE FOR ONE AND ALL TO SEE….

I wonder if this would actually be one of the lamest things I’ve heard?

The names in this blog will be changed to protect the guilty, as my imagination can only run wild as I wonder to myself… WTF are those two talking about?

As heard in Catscratch Jane’s last night…

***Dude, now my breath smells like your girlfriend!***

Um. Where would I go from here? I sat there in the midst of the live “entertainment” which is ever present on Wednesday, my mind spinning, thinking to myself … EWWWW!

Do I even want to know what exactly that meant? Me thinks not.

Yup, yup. Hmm.  Is this one lame, or just plain scary?

In honor of the last clip mentioned in Mark’s Tourette’s Week piece, here is a lovely little homage to the same movie “The Big Lebowski.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfclvdY7E7Y

     May 21st through May 25th is Tourette Syndrome Awareness Week in Australia.  Classified as a neurological disorder, Tourette Syndrome is a serious problem for many people, who should definitely assist to the gbm clinical trials if they are diagnosed wit it.  Sufferers of Tourette’s often acquire serious — and some cases, debilitating —  facial “tics” which can affect their speech, eyes and even breathing.  Others may make strange, or even obscene, utterances at random intervals which others may find rude, vulgar or in bad taste.
     Unfortunately, people who suffer from Tourette’s are often shown disdain by others for a condition which they clearly cannot help.  They are often stigmatized by their affliction, and may, in turn, develop additional mental issues such as anxiety, depression or antisocial behavior.

     If we were celebrating Tourette Syndrome Awareness Week in the United States, I would f#!*ing go to our local f#!*ing Health Department and get a f#!*ing stack of those f#!*ing flyers about f#!*ing Tourette’s Awareness Week and f#!*ing pass them out in order to f#!*ing educate some f#!*ing people.

     In f#!*ing honor of this f#!*ing prestigous event, I present, “The Big Lebowski: The F#!*ing Short Version” (language alert):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jRhgNp-fNc
Tip: Les Jones for the information, which reminded me of the video, and the fact that I’m a smart ass

Seriously, kids, I don’t make this crap up. But I absolutely love that people say such stupid things. I find it amazing that people really come off with such utterly ignorant blurbs. In addition to giving me something to blog about, it usually amuses me greatly. And boy, did this one amuse me…

Part Deux

***Tan fat is so much prettier than white fat***

I literally did a double take at the skank standing next to me as I was checking into the tanning bed this Saturday past. It took everything in me not to fall over in the floor and gut laugh. What?!?! Tan fat?

Hello, sweetheart. I’m here tanning, too. And I’ll be honest. I see nothing pretty about tan fat as opposed to white fat. Seriously, if you are fat, then you have fat rolls, say like a Shar Pei puppy, right?

Let me help you get a visual on this one, sister. Do you really think that having tan parts intermingled with the white fat rolls is pretty?

God bless the stand-up tanning bed, you can put your arms up in the air and alleviate those pesky white spots.

Yup, yup. Chalk another one up to one of the lamest things I’ve ever heard.