With Halloween and Thanksgiving over, it’s finally time to make room for Christmas decorations…

     I’ve wanted one thing for the last three Christmas’s in a row.  The only reason I didn’t want it for the Christmas’s prior was because, well, I didn’t know it existed.

     In the spirit of Christmas — and drinking — I refuse to put Bob & Doug MacKenzie’s Twelve Days of Christmas on this blog because it’s just too cliche.  Instead, I’d have you all enjoy this alternative Bob & Doug MacKenzie bit.

     So Merry Christmas, boys and girls.  And may all your beer be mouse-free.

     I had work to do today, run a bunch of errands, and do some laundry.

     Everywhere I went had the foul odor of baby poop.

     It actually gave me a complex.

     I checked my shoes.  And my ass. 

     It wasn’t me. 

     Why do parents take their children out like that, for all day shopping sprees, and never have the decency to change a diaper? 

     Sorry to all you on-the-go mothers out there, but I really don’t feel like smelling your kid’s poop… You had six months to do Holiday shopping (they started it in July this year for f@#$sakes!) and the rest of us having to put up with your Holiday Poo-Fest is even more rude than having to put up with your Demolition Derby tactics in the parking lot and Shopping Cart Homicide at the checkouts…

     You’ve even managed to put me off my hummus…

     Of course, I can’t say much about the fathers, either.  I’ve never seen so many kids on leashes… Like that’s not going to turn them totally kinky when they hit their mid-40’s…

     And what the f@#$ are you people taking your kids shopping for, anyway?  “You can’t have it til Christmas” is considered cruel and unusual punishment in many areas.  So for a week before Christmas, they’re bursting with excitement, and know exactly what they’re going to get…

     Great, ruin the element of surprise and create severe agitation all at once!  They’ll be book-phobic, cheating at video games and popping ritalin like candy before you know it!

     Yeah, Happy F@#$ing Holidays, you bastards!

     A majority of people understand what the “Holiday Blues” is all about.  You lose your job, lose loved ones and are out of money entirely these are just some of the causes.  You don’t necessarily have to be subject to all of these factors,  just one is enough.  That’s when it hit me, I should write a post with ways to avoid the “Holiday Blues.”   After all, laughter is the best medicine…

Example 1:  Christmas in a Beer Joint

    Just in case you suffer from the “holiday blues” from your own lack of ability to purchase Christmas gifts, (you lucky bastard), I suggest you take this advice from Bob and Doug Mackenzie.

Example 2: Bob and Doug Mackenzie

    In other words laugh your butt off this Christmas,  it sure as hell beats being depressed!

I know you, my friends on Blogger’s Lane, are really getting uptight thinking “What the hell would Diva want for Christmas??”

I’m here to help. I don’t want to end up with another toaster.

In no particular order, I will list the items you are welcome to put under my tree this year. We’ll have a hot toddie and discuss the fun uses for these lil ditties.

First. The Yodeling Pickle. Anybody out there who wouldn’t want a pickle that yodels? I for one am just bubbling with anticipation for Christmas morning! Wake up, all dreamy eyed to a beautifully decorated box… and out pops the pickle.

I’m also amused at the thought of getting this cute little smoking monkey. I think I could teach it to spit, fart, burp, cuss and drink beer too with enough time and training.

Lastly, I want this so I could always have a weinerschnitzel in my hand.

Sick, huh?

There ya have it kids. I promise not to regift.