In contrast to dogs, cats rub your legs because they want attention — not because they’re horny.

By contrast, lock a friend and your dog in the trunk for twelve hours. Which one will be happy to see you when you open it?

Barry was utterly baffled at the bizarre request his wife had made the night before, but in the interest of marital harmony, he begrudgingly decided to surprise her as she returned home from work that afternoon. Still, as with every other act of kindness, he was certain she’d find fault with it…

From the same store who boasted, “We now Sell Cold Beer!!! We now sell Wine!!!” in the Condom aisle, we now find that said alcohol sales may have some unintended side-effects…

A note to those for whom the sign was intended: Howie Mandel proved that any condom can fit over the average person’s head, so there’s no point in trying one on unless your hose counts as “extra equipment” with your local Volunteer Fire Department.

Someone asked, “All of his singles are platinum, he has more than a billion fans, is easily as recognizable than Darth Vader, never has to worry about his retirement and he’s only eighteen years old. What do you have?”

“A penis,” I replied. “I’m jus’ sayin’…”