A few months ago, I went out with a couple of friends (Gina and Joe) and had a fun time.  In trying to make sure Joe was okay to drive (he ran from the car) I inadvertently dropped my phone in her backseat.
     Long story short, one of her workmates, Paula, volunteered to bring me the phone, and I agreed.  She didn’t bring it to me, however.  Instead, she threw it out her window in Halls, TN (where I definitely do not live) and ignored all attempts at contact.
     Fortunately, an older gentleman named Wade ended up with the phone (picked up from a ditch and put it in his mailbox by his postwoman, he said).  He called me, from my phone, and arranged to get the phone back to me.  Thank God for honest people in the world.
     Last night, a friend of mine called Paula and let her have it.  In turn, Gina calls me to scream at me so much I have to walk outside from where I was to hear her.  She calls me a liar, tells me that I had fabricated the entire story and that she’s told my friends, they believe her, and blah blah blah blah whiney, idiotic garbage.

     This is overly dramatic for me, and whole lot of them can screw off.

     Another asshat has been hanging around telling people he’s a race car driver, with millions of dollars, million dollar contracts, and he’s gonna start paying three of us at the first of January.
     He told me that he lived in a 4000 sq ft house and wanted me to secure it and run Ethernet around it.  Told me had a four bay garage where he keeps his race cars, and one of the bay doors is torn off because he and a friend came home drunk and couldn’t get it open to park the truck — so they rammed it. 
     He told me that he has a private jet, and has invited us all out on several occasions, but never follows through.
     He’s told us all that he owns Tennessee Racing, Inc.
     He’s an IMCA driver and points leader.
     He’s on Team ARCA.
     He’s a NASCAR driver.
     He was in Daytona this weekend with Teresa and Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

     Needless to say, he hasn’t paid any of us a cent.  “My racing license was revoked, and I’m trying to get it back.”  Of course, he’s already told me that one, and that he did get it back.  “Yeah, but I went this weekend and got it back.”  Of course, he’d already told me that they’d reinstated him the week before.  But that’s also been mixed with, “I might be going to jail,” “All my assetts are frozen by the court,” and “I have to go to Europe to hide from some very bad people.”  Of course, those things have changed, too.  “The judge let me off even though she hates me,”  “I have more money than the courts know about,” and “I said I was gonna to Europe to hide after I hurt the guy who was molesting my daughter.”  But no, he didn’t.  He’s talked himself into both a corner and poverty.
     About the house:  “Oh, well, I haven’t bought it yet.  I was looking at four, but they were out of my price range.  I only have $750K and need $1.2M.”  I can’t help but wonder why he’d crash the garage doors on a house he doesn’t own, then?  He lives in a crappy apartment in South Knoxville.
     Why doesn’t his pilot file flight plans?  “I didn’t know they were supposed to.”  Yeah, that pilot stuff might elude him, especially since he claims to have had a pilot’s license.
     Tennessee Racing, Inc. doesn’t exist?  “Yeah, I registered that in Iowa.”  No, not there either..
     He’s not on the IMCA list.
     Team ARCA’s never heard of him.
     NASCAR certainly hasn’t ever heard of him.
     Teresa and Dale Jr. have had a parting of ways and certainly haven’t sat down to dinner together, much less together with anyone else.  And since Dale Jr. has been busy with the Nextel Cup and giving press releases about the future of DEI & his younger brother, Kerry, it’s pretty much an impossibility that our dear-old-bullshitter had dinner with just him, even.

     “Well, maybe I should just not come around if it’s gonna be like that!”
     “Good idea.  BYE!”

     Besides, I doubt Dale Jr. would take time out of his busy schedule to have dinner with a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman.

     I declare this a Drama Free Zone.

     Take it outside — we don’t need that crap in here.

     You’re in a bar, let’s say.  The guy next to you says, “Oh, man, check out that ass!”
     “Go talk to her!”
     “Nah, I’m shy and quiet.”

     You pull out your trusty digital camera, and start snapping pics of different stuff going on, and offer to take a few of the girl.  When she turns around to walk away, you snap a picture of her butt.  
     When you come back and sit at the table, you show him the pictures you took of her.
     As she walks by, you show her.  Women love to look at their own photos.  She says, “Oh, nice pic, bad pic, oooooh, I hate that one…”
     Then you get to the butt pic.  “Ooooh, that’s nice…”
     She says, “Yeah, it is!  Whose butt is that?”
     “Yours,” you grin.  “But I’ll bet we can do a better one than that.”

     And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get a hot young thing to climb up and lean over the bar and stare back at you seductively as you snap off a few more shots.

     Any questions?

     New Zealand was the first place I ever heard, “Hey, Mark, you know why we fornicate with sheep at the edge of a cliff?  They back up!”  MP Grant Gillon got into a mess on July 4th, 2000 after making a similar joke during a conversation about the medical implications of cloning:

I’d ask the Minister whether … it’s appropriate in this case for a woman’s body parts to be inserted into a sheep when that’s normally been the domain of Tory males…

     It might have come off more funny if he hadn’t done it in the middle of Parliament, but hey. Some people never learn.

     Of course, those sorts of comments are easily made there. There are roughly forty million sheep in New Zealand, and only three and a half million inhabitants. Tall women, short men, a female Prime Minister, so well, you do the math… 😉

     Weta, famed for it special effects in Peter Jacksons’ “Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “King Kong,” has finished a new project called “Black Sheep.”

     Everyone needs a good tongue-in-cheek horror flick now and again.; Personally, I would’ve called it “Violence of the Lambs,” but I’m a bastard like that. 😉

     This article from the Britain Sunday Times …

[Tennis-star, Martina] Navratilova defended the “right” of sheep to be gay.

     *cough*

     Do gay sheep bleat with a lisp?

     Truly, there are a lot of idiots in the world.  The conviction, and subsequent execution, of Saddam Hussein — by his own citizens — is certainly proving it.

      A perfect example of people losing their damn minds comes from India, where, in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh, Samajwadi Party general secretary Beni Prasad Verma (a lefty Islamist, no less) claimed that George Bush is “the biggest terrorist in the world.” Seems he’s all about getting those around him riled up with anti-American sentiment despite the fact that Saddam was convicted and executed by the very people he used to rule.
      All in all, it seems a very nasty place for an Indian politician to be sticking his nose, but then I guess his sort are pretty common these days. It’s little wonder that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was mentioning, just the other day, that that state specifically is “in need of modern leadership.”
     Why, I’ll bet right there in Uttar Pradesh, just a hop-skip-and-a-jump from the Kashmir, there’re even a few Islamic fundamentalists who were inspired by the snippet and are declaring jihad at this very moment! Let’s hope they’re at least as stupid as the British attempted-shoe-bomber Richard Reid…

      It’s a little funny, since you certainly don’t hear any anti-American sentiment in the execution video.  Seems like most people who lived under the thumb of that maniac in Iraq are overwhelmingly happy the man is dead.
     And while I’ve wrestled with the thought that perhaps I shouldn’t post this video, stolen from a camera phone, I finally thought… why not?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av1JpCbY884