One of the most difficult things for most people to do is to “talk like a Kiwi,” and make it sound remotely passable. New Zealand’s particular form of English is quite unique, and it’s mostly to do with their pronunciation of Vowels, but also to do with creating syllables in monosyllabic words, and dropping of syllables and consonants in others… mostly… (uttered as a sheepish afterthought, like Newt from Aliens)

For example, a soft “e” is pronounced like an American soft “i” (and, conversely, “i” becomes “e”). “O” is most often a soft “u”, with soft “u” becoming “ah.” “Y” is a hard “e,” no matter how you do it. “R” is only pronounced at the beginning of any word, and succumbs to vowels when anywhere else. And if you wanna know how to pronounce a soft “a,” just forget it. It could be anything. And then, of course, there are exceptions to everything. Throw in a few regional words, and you’re just fucked.
For example:

• “I’m on my deck eating fish” = “Em on mee dick eatun fesh”
• “Kia ora, mate!” = “KYOR-uh, met!”
• “This sounds stupid.” = “Thess SEE-owns fect.”
• “Where is your restroom?” = “Whiz yah bog?” pronounced “bahg”
• “I can’t find it” = “Uh cunt.”
• “Yes” = “Uhh yeh, nah, yeh”

Keep practicing. Once you sound like a complete idiot with a speech impediment, you’re halfway there. Check out this video for more tips.

Or is this a possible Stalker Alert for some guy named Ed, because their eyes are watching? The mind boggles…

If you spread “the clap” to everyone around you, is it called “applause?”

Can I suggest, “with whole garlic and pepper,” or is it too late for that?

Since going to the bathroom to pick up guys wasn’t such a good plan for Target, perhaps their new advertising campaign is a little more compelling…