One of the most difficult things for most people to do is to “talk like a Kiwi,” and make it sound remotely passable. New Zealand’s particular form of English is quite unique, and it’s mostly to do with their pronunciation of Vowels, but also to do with creating syllables in monosyllabic words, and dropping of syllables and consonants in others… mostly… (uttered as a sheepish afterthought, like Newt from Aliens)
For example, a soft “e” is pronounced like an American soft “i” (and, conversely, “i” becomes “e”). “O” is most often a soft “u”, with soft “u” becoming “ah.” “Y” is a hard “e,” no matter how you do it. “R” is only pronounced at the beginning of any word, and succumbs to vowels when anywhere else. And if you wanna know how to pronounce a soft “a,” just forget it. It could be anything. And then, of course, there are exceptions to everything. Throw in a few regional words, and you’re just fucked.
For example:
“I’m on my deck eating fish” = “Em on mee dick eatun fesh”
“Kia ora, mate!” = “KYOR-uh, met!”
“This sounds stupid.” = “Thess SEE-owns fect.”
“Where is your restroom?” = “Whiz yah bog?” pronounced “bahg”
“I can’t find it” = “Uh cunt.”
“Yes” = “Uhh yeh, nah, yeh”
Keep practicing. Once you sound like a complete idiot with a speech impediment, you’re halfway there. Check out this video for more tips.
In another country, I once saw a restaurant selling, “Smelly Fish Balls” — a nasty, deep-fried treat of fish skins, salt and flour. Seems like they were 99 pence, too…
A drunken New Zealander came home after a binge carrying a sheep under his arm. He walked into the bedroom where his wife stared at him from the bed. “Sweetheart, this is the pig I’ve been sleeping with every night,” he announced.
Staring at him disgust, the wife yelled, “That’s a sheep, not a pig, you drunken fool!”
