At 5:00AM on this particularly and unseasonably wet-cold morning, a solid half-million people were on the roads in Knoxville, TN in search of elusive, and oft-sold-out, rock-bottom prices for their Holiday gifts in the shopping phenomenon known as Black Friday.
Fortunately, this blogitude.com staff member was there to make fun of them.

     After scanning the Gamestop Black Friday Deals website and finding nothing that couldn’t have been purchased for the same, or slightly less, cost at Walmart up to six months ago, I visited two local Gamestop locations to find masses of people lined up in front of the store, huddling together in the cold, attempting to keep warm.  Unbeknownst to them, their waits would be rather long, as Gamestop didn’t open at 5AM, or even 6AM, as it did in many other areas.

     As there was clearly nothing special to be found, I decided to attempt another ruse to get a great deal from Gamestop.  At 5:20AM, I stood in the parking lot and yelled, “Playstation 3 sucks!” loudly.  The response was only minimal, but overwhelmingly positive, in fact.  Apparently everyone knows that Playstation 3 sucks, and I thought that perhaps it might be best to try another location to scour for a Gamestop deal.

     At location two, the crowd was a bit rowdier.  And so, at 5:45AM, I yelled, “Playstation 3 sucks!” as loudly as possible.  Unfortunately, this resulted in a good-natured, “Hell, yeah!” and a few people raising their hands and shooting invisible laser guns in the air, complete with sounds effects.
     After scouring other stores in the area for Black Friday malady, I decided to return to Gamestop at 6:12AM to find an even larger crowd gathered in front of the business.  Since my logic had failed in insulting the Playstation 3 (I won’t insult the Xbox 360), I decided to try another tactic.

     “Jean-Luc Picard is a fag!” seemed to be the magic phrase.  The Gamestop employee guarding the front door (easily identified by the rockstar-groupie style badge hanging around his neck) zinged a white Xbox 360 Wireless Controller at me, clearing a distance of nearly twenty feet!  Who said spending the majority of your life pushing buttons on a gaming controller doesn’t count as physical activity?
And so, I returned home happy, with yet another Xbox 360 Wireless Controller, courtesy of Gamestop!  What an incredible Black Friday Deal!

     Black Friday Shopping like this makes it all worth it.  Yes, it’s the one on the lower left.

     Please note that when taking advantage of this deal, your choices of controllers may be limited.  Controller may have minor-to-medium cosmetic damage.  Controller may or may not have a battery pack, whether standard or rechargeable.  Gamestop is not responsible for any medical bills directly or indirectly caused by taking advantage of this deal.  Other restrictions may apply, so please check your local Gamestop store!

Because sometimes, 200mg is just not enough:

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Advil^® and the Advil^® Logo are copyrights of Wyeth Consumer Healthcare

     Apparently, Rachel Ray doesn’t like blue balls.

     But a lot of her audience does…

     Right now, I’m just reflecting a little about how everything is my fault.  You see, for whatever reason, everything is my fault.  There are different reasons for it being my fault, but it usually revolves around the fact that I have a penis.
     This all started when I was a born.

     Being a rather healthy newborn didn’t help matters.  You see, it was my fault my mother had such a difficult labor.  It was my fault, too, that she ended up married to my father.  In fact, it was also my fault when she was tired, when she was sick, and even when it was just too damn gloomy outside.
     Now, you know for certain that this crap we’ve called weather for months in East Tennessee is all my fault.  Because I can control the weather.  Seriously, you know, I am a minor Weather deity.

     Apparently, when someone I don’t know calls me up screaming and yelling at me, it’s my fault.  A few years ago, Bellsouth hooked me up with this great telephone number, 865-544-5750.  The reason I post this is because, ya know, it’s published in about one hundred fourty-four thousand places as the number to the Knox County Public Library, not including every book that’s ever passed through their doors, and the fact that the number changed ten years ago.
     You see, I was just screwing with people when I told them I wasn’t really the Library.  Yes, asshat, you owe $6958.42 in late charges for the book you didn’t return in 1963.  I know this because it’s my fault you dialed the number without checking in your telephone directory.       It’s my fault because I am the Library.

     It’s my fault when some guy who wants to bone my girlfriend starts harrassing both of us to no end.  It’s my fault when he makes up an elaborate story about how I came to his house to beat the crap out of him and he’s afraid for his life.  It’s my fault.
     Apparently, when I’m sitting on a plane and half way across the country, I have the ability to make people do really stupid crap like make up stories.  And when I land at DFW Airport for a layover, it’s my fault that he’s calling the police right then.
     You see, I have this effect on people I’ve never met.  I can be in two places at once and control people with my mind.

     It’s my fault, too, that someone finally decrypted a password on one of my old computers.  I didn’t have a chance to wipe it before they took it from me, and, well, you know.  I planned it all.
     I planned, a year later, for them to start sending Yahoo messages to anyone who sent me a message, digging to see whether or not I was screwing them.  I also planned for them to use the Desktop SMS App and start sending text messages to random bloggers.  And I intentionally didn’t change my phone number just so this could happen.
     It’s my fault, because I’m a sociopath who can plan things down to the miniscule detail, just to screw with people for no apparent reason.

     It’s my fault, when two people who were trying their damndest to get me to do something I didn’t wanna do pop up a year later with phone calls and threats.  You see, by not having sex with these two — well, yeah, hot — women who threw themselves at me, because my heart and body belonged to someone else, I’m a complete asshole.
     Because you know, I am God’s gift to women, and the biggest player ever.  Totally.  I just make women want me by not doing a damn thing and telling them to go away.  It’s all my fault that they don’t take their medication and fuck off like rational people.

     Meanwhile, 378 people in the background are yelling, “Mark!  You need to get laid!”  And right now, I’m starting to agree.  That’s my fault.  Because I’m human.
     Amazingly, I know that if there were 100 women in the room who wanted to, I would end up with the one who’s more fucked up than a football bat…

     And that’s my fault, too… because when I see somebody who’s hurt, I give a damn…

     I’m sorry.  I just suck like that.  My fault…

     And just for that … I’m gonna make it rain again!  You’ll see, you bastards!

On November 10th, 2009, Mark Steel posted the following in the article titled “Video Game Stimulates Consumer Spending“:

An obviously perplexed Obama replied, “Umm…”

This quote, attributed to President Barack Obama, was incorrect. The actual quote was:

“Uhhh, well, yes, I mean, well, umm…”

We know that many people rely on us to give unbiased and impartial treatment to breaking news and sincerely regret this lapse in our journalistic integrity, as it diminishes our credibility.

Still, I can see why our writer made this misquote given the circumstances.

As acting Senior Editor of blogitude.com, I apologize, and thank you for bringing this matter to my attention.

Sincerely,
Richard M. Nixon

[ Editor Mark: You left the “a” of ObamA. 😉 lol ]