Not only do I feel good about giving kudos to those in our society that are, in my opinion anyway, hot as a Louisiana Swamp in mid-July, but I also notice the stupid stuff the some folks tend to do. These people will be referred to as SKANKS from here on.

In yet another vain attempt to toast the new summer season in, let us discuss a new and exciting skank who delights in her skankiness, acts completely brainless, and depends on her off the wall antics every day to get her somewhere in life or at least keep the full realm of attention right on her. So… onward and upward

Before Britney’s lack of panties… Before Paris and her sad XXX movie debut… Before the Anna Nicole circus…

Before any of the fore mentioned super skanks, we had a super skank that raised the bar for skanks today. Who might we be talking about? Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita, of course.

Sure, the skanks of today are, for the most part completely vulgar and lacking good taste and judgement. But, they don’t go around shooting their lover’s wife in the head.

Yes, I must now move Amy Fisher into the Skank of the Day slot. Why Amy Fisher?

First, you must be a skank of phenomenal proportions to have all three major networks do a docudrama on your messed up existence.

Well, it seems that she and Joey Butt-a-fuoco are planning to move in together and pick up where they left off before Amy was sent off to prison. Joey has went through another wife, Evanka, who he is fooling around on. Damn that Amy “the homewrecker” Fisher!

Apparently, Evanka has vowed to keep her man no matter what.

Can’t wait to see the drama that comes out of the sequel. Even if it’s all a big pre-empted publicity stunt to get people interested in their planned reality show.

Jeez… I can’t even remember which one was the skank… Joey and Amy…

YOU GO KIDS!

NASHVILLE, TN (Via the Web) – Nashville Investigators and Lawmakers who are using video from the website of porn star Barbie Cummings in order to file charges against Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer Moss are now being surreptitiously released from employment for browsing porn sites from a State Government-funded network.

The former employees are filing wrongful termination suits based on the fact that they were only doing their jobs in investigating the antics of Officer Moss.  However, the fact that they “somehow” knew where to find the video implicating the officer places “cart before horse” doubt on their litigation.

When asked about the merits of the former employees cases, State Defense Attorney, I. P. Freely responded, “Was it the chicken or the egg who came first?”

Attorney for the plaintiffs, I. M. Stoned, quickly retorted, “That’s totally irrelevant!  It was CLEARLY Officer Moss who came first!”

Also in the works, Governor Bredesen’s personal admin assistant, Anita Goodlay, and an additional female staff member known only “the one with the big tits,” have filed Sexual Harrassment charges against the Governor after being wrongfully terminated for refusing to, “Come here and check this out!”

Say, did you hear the one about the Tennessee State Trooper and the Porn Star??? Sounds like the start of a really bad joke, huh? Actually, it’s funnier than a room full of Michael Jackson impersonators whipping each other with wet spaghetti noodles, but it’s no joke.

James Randy Moss, of the Tennessee Highway Patrol, had an anonymous complaint filed against him by a cupie doll named Justis Richert in Nashville, TN.

We here in beautiful KnoxVegas should be proud to boast that Justis, a.k.a. Barbie Cummings *snicker*, is a Knoxvillian. Let’s pause and give Barbie some well-deserved kudos. She makes our community proud by being a big-time porn star who makes her living by flying back and forth to the City of Angels to shoot her fair share of scenes.

I would now like to paraphrase for you how the skinny goes down:

Occifer Perv-A-Lot (OP): Hey sexy, can I see your license & registration?

[Queue Saxaphone Music]

Local Porn Queen (LPQ): Why yes occifer. Here’s my license and registration.

OP: Well, these seems in order. (Hiking up pants, Barney style) Miss Richert, do you have any drugs on you or in your ride?

LPQ: Why hell yes I do. Want some? They are my happy pills, they make me happy and extremely horny. Oh, by the way, I’m a porn star. I can rock your world, baby.

OP: Realllllly now? You aren’t just saying that to get my manhood roaring and to get me into some serious trouble later?

LQP: Oh, no, occifer. I wouldn’t do that in a million and one years. Don’t you have a lappytop in your crusie-woosie. I can show you my work. By the way, my stage name is Barbie Cummings. *snicker*

OP: Well, first, Miss Cummings *snicker*, you’ll need to give me those pills so I can fix your problem. (OP scatters dim pills in da bushes) Now lets take a little stroll on back to my cruiser and we’ll see just how good you really are. How’s that sound?

LQP:  Well, okay.  I think that was really neat what you did.

(Getting into the cruiser and turning on lappy)

OP:   Wow, girl.  Look at you go.  Say, what’ll it take for a nasty, middle aged, perv with a badge to get up next to a sweet thang like you?

LQP:  Jeez, I don’t know.  Maybe if you tape it with your cruiser camera so I can remember you.

OP:  Fine by me.

Some various acts of a sexual nature were captured by Occifer DipShit as he rolled tape.  You know Barbie might have fear of performing action without the lights and cameras.

To make a long story even longer, this guy gives her a copy of the tape….  Where she….you guessed it… POSTED IT ON HER WEBSITE FOR ONE AND ALL TO SEE….

I wonder if this would actually be one of the lamest things I’ve heard?

     I feel incredibly lucky that I’m not afraid of the opposite sex. I can talk to anyone, any time, for pretty much any reason. It comes naturally, having the gift of gab. And so, I will continue where Flirting 101 left off.

     Regardless of whether or not I mean to, or even mean anything by it, I flirt. Even when I’m not flirting, I still get accused of it.
     Of course, there are three very distinct degrees of flirting, and it’s very important to choose both your targets and your motivations carefully.

     First, there’s the Casual Flirt, who’ll flirt with most anyone, and doesn’t really mean anything by it. This is where most people start. Sometimes you do it to be friendly. Other times you’re establishing your presence in new surroundings. Sometimes, it’s nothing more than a casual ego-boost to have someone flirt back — however, this should never be confused with the Romantic Flirt (explained later).
     The Material Flirt has an agenda in mind — they want to sway the outcome of a given situation to their favor. This type of flirting can be used everywhere from trying to get a better deal on an order to trying to swaying a Jury in a courtroom. It’s also an exceptionally handy skill in Business.
     The Romantic Flirt has a more “personal” agenda in mind. They flirt with the object of their desire, attempting to gain favor for whatever means.

     Any person can be all of the above, so it’s important to keep your objective in mind. Is it general banter? A price break on an order? Or are you looking to hook up?

     Not having a clear objective is where many people screw up.

     The Romantic Flirt has even more pitfalls ahead. But you can mitigate these issues by remembering the Three R’s:

• Romp
• Relationship
• Run like Hell!

     Paying attention to the Three R’s will allow you time to get to know someone, and avoid potentially embarrassing situations.  Always keep those in mind!
     It should also go without saying that you should never flirt so much that you make an ass of yourself — hindsight is 20/20, and you may make a mistake that could end up haunting you for life.
     Next, always keep them guessing, and try not to be too overt about your motives — some things are better left to the imagination, and you’re less likely sound like an utter prick.
     Last, but certainly not least, don’t try to “seal the deal” too quickly. If you successfully flirt over a given period of time, you have an “in.” Be yourself, and you’re golden.

     Even with all of those things in mind, an experienced Romantic Flirt like myself may still run into the occasional problem — it happens to everyone!

     One night, for instance, after trying unsuccessfully to set a friend up with a cute blonde his age, I ended up making out with the object of his affections. She was pretty, very early twenties, tall and slender.
     I was smart in keeping things on a more platonic level, all public snogging at the table aside. It allowed me time, over the course of the following week, to realize that she had a rather serious drug problem.
     Using the Three R’s, I relegated her status to Run like Hell. Of course, being the kind and generous guy that I am, I did introduce her to someone else…
     (Sorry, Zacque. *snicker*)

     Sometimes, however, problems arise where even the Three R’s can’t help you. These issues will require you to completely change your flirting style. For instance…
     Mid-winter, around twelve years ago, I began talking with a woman at local Blues club. We exchanged telephone numbers, and agreed to meet the next night. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell what a body looks like under winter wraps, but she appeared to be quite curvy, which I love. She had a warm personality, beautiful eyes and an incredible smile.
     What I found out the next night, however, after she took off her coat, is that she was more muscular than I was. This is something I do not find attractive in the least, so I then reverted from Romantic Flirt to Casual Flirt and we’ve been friends ever since.
     I was very glad about the turn of events, as some time later, I witnessed her channel her rage by physically assaulting a soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend using incredible feats of strength that would get a “Hoo-ah!” out of the manliest of men … and wrestlers, too. I have not seen the guy in public since…

     These are common problems. However, I often hear much worse tales of those who are young and/or inexperienced enough to make even more fatal mistakes.

     To re-cap the Rules of Flirting:

1. Carefully choose who it is you’re trying to flirt with.
2. Keep your objective in mind.
3. Choose your flirting style:
   1. Casual Flirt
   2. Material Flirt
   3. Romantic Flirt
      1. Romp
      2. Relationship
      3. Run like Hell!

     Please review the following video as an example of what can happen when you break nearly every Rule of Flirting:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rLjVeQJ-n8

     Excluding the obvious issues, given this outline, it’s very easy to see where this young pup went wrong, isn’t it?

     Any questions?

Not only do I notice skanks and bimbos and man-whores, but I take the time to notice extremely sexy people too. You know, the sexy ones who make you stop for a second and say, “Thank you, God!”

Diva’s choice for HOTTIE OF THE DAY: CRISS ANGEL

My, my, my, my, my, my, my. Can somebody get me a glass of ice water and a set of handcuffs?

I had forgotten just how hot he is since we are currently in between seasons of MindFreak. But just last night, I saw a rerun from last season and it all came rushing back to me. Dang! He’s freakin hot!

I first started drooling over this man a couple years back when I saw him on the strip in Vegas. He was doing card tricks on the street. I didn’t realize who he was until I got home and a good little while later saw him on MindFreak.

In the beginning he was almost scary looking. So, what makes Criss Angel so hot now?

The magician gig. There is something about a mystic that is pure, unadulterated sexy. He is very passionate about his endeavors, which obviously makes Diva think that he would be very passionate in all aspects of his being *wink*.

The hair. He pulls off the long semi-80’s teased look like a pro. Not since Sebastian Bach has any man rocked 80’s mall hair.

The eyes. Mesmerizing. Deep eyes that you could get lost in and not want to find your way back. If you watch his show, you know that he has a dreamy quality going on with those eyes. I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t think it is safe to make direct eye contact with him. Might go into hottie shock.

The Abs. Um. Day-um, the six pack. Honestly, the man has the body of a Greek god. With all of the physical preparation and the black belt in karate, it’s no wonder.

Confidence. Although he wasn’t always totally hot, there is a certain self-confident quality about him without cresting that point of being completely stuck on himself.

The Tag Line is even sexy. “Are you ready?” Oh honey, am I.

I’ve decided after my boob job and the bleach, I’d like to have Criss Angel delivered to my door with a big red bow on his forehead. Better yet, he lives in Vegas; deliver me to him by same day service.