Men are notorious for driving long distances without a potty break, they just grab their PNW backpack fill it with everything and start the road trip. Women are notorious hating to go on road trips with guys who won’t make an occasional stop. And, often, these men stop only to find that the toilet is completely unsuitable for a woman…

One nasty little drive-up motel that I stayed at years ago (in Paducah, Kentucky) was the most uninhabitable place I’ve ever seen — so bad, in fact, that the homeless would’ve shunned it.  Combined with one I’d stayed in there before (which seemed to be a haven for women eager to take advantage of Military men), and a few others around the state, I was pretty well put off lodging in Kentucky at all.

Fortunately, over the past while, I’ve realized that it isn’t the norm.  Like most, last night’s cheap hotel was perfectly normal.

I’ve stayed in a helluva lot of hotels and motels throughout my life, and pretty much found that once you get away from the old-school, drive-up motels ala Norman Bates, they’re all pretty much the same.  The rooms are laid out similarly, they all have Cable TV, an ironing board, a blow dryer, a free pen, etc.  The biggest difference is usually the quality of the linens.

However … The more “budget” the hotel, the more you increase the likelihood of getting a splinter in your ass from the John Wayne toilet paper.

You know, the kind that’s rough, and tough, and won’t take shit off nobody…

One week to the day after I was wed to my prince, I was on a plane to Germany for a business trip that would keep me away for 10 days.  I can’t say I’ve ever been happier to be home than I am now.

I realized there are so many  little bitty things I manage to take for granted every single day.  You better believe the following is a tribute to those things.

Ice
I never really realized just how damn much ice  meant to me until I didn’t have it in my drink, for 10 days.  No friggin ice.  Luke warm yacky soda with no ice to chomp on. Damn.

Soda
Well, the German people have soda.  But they don’t have a friggin clue what Diet Coke is, no.  They call that shit Coke Light.  It’s super sweet and it tastes like real Coke.  And without ice it is simply undrinkable to my spoiled American palate.  And Diet Dew?  They don’t have Dew at all, let alone Diet Dew Light.  Damn.

The Dollar Being A Dollar
The US dollar is nothing more than a flipping piece of paper at the time of this writing.  I’m here to tell ya, by the time I paid the currency exchange fees and the exchange rate being as it was… my damn dollar was worth less than 47 cents, my friends.  It was extremely apparent to me just how bad it was when I came home to do my expense report and found that for 10 days, with exchange rate, I had spent more than $400 on food and drinks alone. Damn.  Wait!  Rachael Ray would be totally impressed, that would be $40 a day.  Go me!

Courtesy on the Road
Well, not that we have the most courteous drivers in the US, especially in the states that start with “I”, but even those numbnuts are courteous compared to the asshats on the autobahn.  Hello dickhead, get out of my tail pipe and learn to use a signal other than the bird!

My Man
Now this es muy imporante.  I never in my life thought, with all the traveling Diva does, that I would be homesick for my man.  I thought, I’m gone all the time.  It’ll be no big deal.  WRONG!  After more than a year of seeing his face and hearing his voice every single day… I realized how much I need those things and how much that he means to me.  Oh God, I’m getting all mushy again.
But seriously, doing without Diet Dew with ice on the autobahn was enough to make me want to walk to the coast, buy a boat and start paddlin my ass back home.

Of course, by Fuzzy Little Foreigner, I am referring to me and the fact that I went on a 10 day trip in Germany.  I went on strike and didn’t shave my legs (I know TMI) until the night before I came home.  Can you say Woooolie-Boooooger?

I never realized eating in a forgein country would be so damn difficult.

First, I am the second pickiest eater you will ever meet in your life, behind my step-son… he’d have starved to death.

Ok, being the typical American tourist type, not to mention a closed minded, livin in the box kinda girl, I never realized that Chinese people that run a chinese restaurant in Germany wouldn’t speak English.  It was odd to me that they spoke Chinese and German. But, the place was across the street from our hotel, and smelled really, really good.

Won-Ton Soup: #3 on the menu.
Mini-Spring Roll:  #2 on the menu.
Cashew Chicken:  #42 on the menu.

Best Won-Ton Soup I ever have consumed… EVER.

Since I am afraid of anything ending in -wurst or-snitzel, I steered clear of tradtional German food.  God forbid I pork-peniswurst or something like that.  It’s not like I can translate German to English very well.

We were in Pforzheim the first several days, so, we ate Chinese food at the same place on Sunday and Monday nights.

The Tuesday night, we switched off for some Itatlian. The spinich manacotti was yum and the wine was a-flowin.

The Wednesday night, we were gonna give the Brazilian place a crack, but I wussed out, paid for my beer and ran away.  The couldn’t speak English and I couldn’t figure out anything but shrimp from the Brazilian/German menu and I don’t do shrimp.  So, we ended up back at the Chinese place again, where we were greeted with..”Hello. You wanta Coka Light and Hotta Tea, yes?”

With a sweet smile I tell her, “Of course and can we have the same table by the window?”

I know she had to be thinking… Crazy American bitch won’t eat anything.

Then we went to Hannover…

Thursday night we ate food from the hotel bar, which is always tasty with beer.

Friday night, we had another awesome Italian dinner with the owner of my company.

Then to Munich…

Saturday night, I finally broke down.  Mom took me to a Beer Garten (pub) in Munich.  Oktoberfest was over, but you couldn’t tell it by the guy on the table who had a bucket on his head and was leading the whole place in a sing-along.
After several pints of some delicious brew, I was starting to pack a nice buzz.
So, I broke down and ate stewed steak smothered in roasted onions (DAYUM!!) and potatoes. 

The beer was the best ever though. It didn’t have that watery as piss taste to it.

Sunday night, we found us another Chinese place. It was pretty tasty too.

So, I guess I totally blew the opportunity to expand my culinary palate… NOT!

I do know one thing for shizzly: Germany  has the corner on the ice cream market.  It was grub, and I had my fair share.

My pal Markus decided that we needed to go to Heildelberg to the Castle grounds and wander as it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. We parked the car and looked up the hill. There it was, as it was last time I was in there, very eery yet beautiful.

I assummed (ass-u-me) that we would go the same way I had went in last time. Up a nice stable incline to the front of the grounds. Let’s just say I assumed way wrong.

We ended up climbing the STAIRS OF DEATH.

315 of them. Straight up. On the bright side, I felt bad that I thought I was gonna have a heart attack because I smoke and I was climbing stairs… until my non-smoking mommy almost fell out too!! Thanks for making me feel good about being me, Mom!! I loves ya!

And here are Mommy & Me at the top in the gardens. Three weeks later, I can say it was worth the climb.

Although in total ruins from WWII…

…it’s still a very beautiful place…

“I’ll give ya $5 if you’ll jump across and act like you’re makin out with that pee-ing statue,” I picked at my Mom. “Obed (her pastor) will never know. I swear I won’t tell anybody.”

“Ya right, you take pictures of everything and use them for your benefit,” she quipped back.

She’s right. I’d have saved it as leverage for later… “Be nice, or I’ll send this picture of you to the ladies group, Missy.” That’s just the way I roll. (Kidding).

So, the front of the place is actually in pretty good shape, considering bombs were droppin all around.

Rumor has it that the last Prince to reside in the castle, was beside himself with the recent lady troubles he was having… that he jumped….

… and all that was left was his footprint where he hit the ground so hard…

GOTCHA!