After rounding the world four times and getting the piercings, but only having three earrings to show for it because he's too picky about what he'll actually put back in his ear, Mark attempted to settle down back in his hometown of Knoxville, Tennessee. This, of course, did not happen because, quite apparently, he has been biologically implanted with a PsychoMagnet™ which makes even the most stable of people batshit crazy.
Mark is currently "hiding" in wildly public places, and making as much noise as possible, while throngs of anonymous nutjobs accuse him of every salacious deed imaginable, such as the unseasonable rainfall of 2011, the murders of several prominent people who are still very much alive, and the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Mark is a carnivorous smoker who is Politically agnostic, unable to reproduce, refuses all manners of Internet dating, and generally believes that Murphy was an optimist.
I could make a regular series of “Weird Shit I’ve Heard Tonight.” But only because this night isn’t any different than any other night … well, except those nights I stay home playing the Xbox 360… Which I do a lot of. By choice.
Tonight … ?
“Computers are smarter than me, so if I use them, I can learn something,” she said.
“A computer is a tool,” I said as I pulled a screwdriver from my coat pocket. “It’s only as smart as the shit people put in it. Can you learn anything from this?”
“But I already know how to screw,” she said, looking at the screwdriver I was taking back from her hand.
*cough*
Believe me, I’ll carry a wrench in my coat pocket from now on…
I notice a great many people aren’t sleeping. Everyone keeps looking for the elusive Mr. Sandman. Even Glenn has complained, blaming Hulu for his lack of sleep. But no one has considered the fact that I may be behind it all.
As a rather undelightful pair of asshats have already pointed out, I am Pure Evil™. It’s okay to say that, because I’m used to it. That fact was always reinforced by my mother, who claims that I am the Antichrist. Although, I’m pretty sure Revelations 17:4 says what that makes her…
And since someone else pointed out that everything is my fault, I figured I might as well come clean for the sake of conspiracy.
The fact is, I’m holding Mr. Sandman for ransom until my demands are met.
It’s no big secret I haven’t been reading a lot of other blogs for a while. It’s not because I’m a selfish ass, it’s just about time. Well, that, and that I can’t find an RSS reader I like. Quite honestly, I wish I had a nipple on my ass just for Google Reader. While it works well for many, I have nothing but problems with it.
I’ve been hitting a lot of tangent reads, however, while looking at stats, and I’ve come across some that are just fit right in with my own twisted sense of humor.
FU, Penguin is absolutely brilliant. As an animal lover, I just can’t help but look at the beautiful pictures, and think about all the wonderful things this author has to say about each one of God’s creatures. It just warms my heart, and sometimes, even gives me a woody. I love this blog so much, that I may actually buy the book rather than downloading it from Limewire.
I found this next blog due to some 17-year-old prick from Michigan writing a crap article about the Ten Five Worst Blogs Ever. Apparently, his math skills were as bad as his authorship. I think it comes from buying too many fake drugs from 8 Mile. So STFU, kiddo. Eminem you are not. And neither is Eminem.
And thus is the introduction to one of my new favorite reads, The Worst SEO Blog Ever!, however SEOHack hasn’t written in days because he’s too busy microblogging stupid shit on Twitter. If he could pull his head out of his rectum for five minutes, I’d actually like to have a chat with him, because, as the blog suggest, his SEO Blog is tremendously poor, while his SEO Skill is extremely high. Irreverent, intelligent, and insightful as it may not be, I thoroughly enjoy reading it.
And while we’re on the subject of finely attuned, irreverent link-whores, we certainly can’t forget our good friend Fracas, who’s closed her old wordpress.com blog in favor of her own domain so that she can put up ads to her heart’s — and pocket book’s — delight.
Don’t spend all those pennies in one place, Fracas, mah dear. I mean, seriously, one good Snickers bar, and the blog fund will be broke all over again. 😉
For reasons unknown, GEICO Insurance is always lauded for their brilliant marketing. I cannot understand why. In my own particularly crass vernacular, I always refer them as GAYCO, thanks in no small part to their annoying, sexually confused lizard who can’t quite pick which borough of London he’s actually from…
The GEICO Pothole Ad is absolutely The Most Annoying Television Commercial Ever, due in no small part that even though it is less than visually stunning, it additionally contains dialogue which makes me want to repeatedly jab forks into my ears so I can’t never, ever hear it again.
On second thought, perhaps I should simply hunt down and demand a blood sacrifice from the asshats who made it.
Once I get that, I can use said sacrifice to eternally torment those damned Burger King people…
…because if that happened to me, their mascot would certainly be meeting the business end of a personal firearm, with justified cause for self-defense.
