I feel incredibly lucky that I’m not afraid of the opposite sex. I can talk to anyone, any time, for pretty much any reason. It comes naturally, having the gift of gab. And so, I will continue where Flirting 101 left off.

     Regardless of whether or not I mean to, or even mean anything by it, I flirt. Even when I’m not flirting, I still get accused of it.
     Of course, there are three very distinct degrees of flirting, and it’s very important to choose both your targets and your motivations carefully.

     First, there’s the Casual Flirt, who’ll flirt with most anyone, and doesn’t really mean anything by it. This is where most people start. Sometimes you do it to be friendly. Other times you’re establishing your presence in new surroundings. Sometimes, it’s nothing more than a casual ego-boost to have someone flirt back — however, this should never be confused with the Romantic Flirt (explained later).
     The Material Flirt has an agenda in mind — they want to sway the outcome of a given situation to their favor. This type of flirting can be used everywhere from trying to get a better deal on an order to trying to swaying a Jury in a courtroom. It’s also an exceptionally handy skill in Business.
     The Romantic Flirt has a more “personal” agenda in mind. They flirt with the object of their desire, attempting to gain favor for whatever means.

     Any person can be all of the above, so it’s important to keep your objective in mind. Is it general banter? A price break on an order? Or are you looking to hook up?

     Not having a clear objective is where many people screw up.

     The Romantic Flirt has even more pitfalls ahead. But you can mitigate these issues by remembering the Three R’s:

• Romp
• Relationship
• Run like Hell!

     Paying attention to the Three R’s will allow you time to get to know someone, and avoid potentially embarrassing situations.  Always keep those in mind!
     It should also go without saying that you should never flirt so much that you make an ass of yourself — hindsight is 20/20, and you may make a mistake that could end up haunting you for life.
     Next, always keep them guessing, and try not to be too overt about your motives — some things are better left to the imagination, and you’re less likely sound like an utter prick.
     Last, but certainly not least, don’t try to “seal the deal” too quickly. If you successfully flirt over a given period of time, you have an “in.” Be yourself, and you’re golden.

     Even with all of those things in mind, an experienced Romantic Flirt like myself may still run into the occasional problem — it happens to everyone!

     One night, for instance, after trying unsuccessfully to set a friend up with a cute blonde his age, I ended up making out with the object of his affections. She was pretty, very early twenties, tall and slender.
     I was smart in keeping things on a more platonic level, all public snogging at the table aside. It allowed me time, over the course of the following week, to realize that she had a rather serious drug problem.
     Using the Three R’s, I relegated her status to Run like Hell. Of course, being the kind and generous guy that I am, I did introduce her to someone else…
     (Sorry, Zacque. *snicker*)

     Sometimes, however, problems arise where even the Three R’s can’t help you. These issues will require you to completely change your flirting style. For instance…
     Mid-winter, around twelve years ago, I began talking with a woman at local Blues club. We exchanged telephone numbers, and agreed to meet the next night. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell what a body looks like under winter wraps, but she appeared to be quite curvy, which I love. She had a warm personality, beautiful eyes and an incredible smile.
     What I found out the next night, however, after she took off her coat, is that she was more muscular than I was. This is something I do not find attractive in the least, so I then reverted from Romantic Flirt to Casual Flirt and we’ve been friends ever since.
     I was very glad about the turn of events, as some time later, I witnessed her channel her rage by physically assaulting a soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend using incredible feats of strength that would get a “Hoo-ah!” out of the manliest of men … and wrestlers, too. I have not seen the guy in public since…

     These are common problems. However, I often hear much worse tales of those who are young and/or inexperienced enough to make even more fatal mistakes.

     To re-cap the Rules of Flirting:

1. Carefully choose who it is you’re trying to flirt with.
2. Keep your objective in mind.
3. Choose your flirting style:
   1. Casual Flirt
   2. Material Flirt
   3. Romantic Flirt
      1. Romp
      2. Relationship
      3. Run like Hell!

     Please review the following video as an example of what can happen when you break nearly every Rule of Flirting:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rLjVeQJ-n8

     Excluding the obvious issues, given this outline, it’s very easy to see where this young pup went wrong, isn’t it?

     Any questions?

Not only do I notice skanks and bimbos and man-whores, but I take the time to notice extremely sexy people too. You know, the sexy ones who make you stop for a second and say, “Thank you, God!”

Diva’s choice for HOTTIE OF THE DAY: CRISS ANGEL

My, my, my, my, my, my, my. Can somebody get me a glass of ice water and a set of handcuffs?

I had forgotten just how hot he is since we are currently in between seasons of MindFreak. But just last night, I saw a rerun from last season and it all came rushing back to me. Dang! He’s freakin hot!

I first started drooling over this man a couple years back when I saw him on the strip in Vegas. He was doing card tricks on the street. I didn’t realize who he was until I got home and a good little while later saw him on MindFreak.

In the beginning he was almost scary looking. So, what makes Criss Angel so hot now?

The magician gig. There is something about a mystic that is pure, unadulterated sexy. He is very passionate about his endeavors, which obviously makes Diva think that he would be very passionate in all aspects of his being *wink*.

The hair. He pulls off the long semi-80’s teased look like a pro. Not since Sebastian Bach has any man rocked 80’s mall hair.

The eyes. Mesmerizing. Deep eyes that you could get lost in and not want to find your way back. If you watch his show, you know that he has a dreamy quality going on with those eyes. I’m not 100% sure, but I don’t think it is safe to make direct eye contact with him. Might go into hottie shock.

The Abs. Um. Day-um, the six pack. Honestly, the man has the body of a Greek god. With all of the physical preparation and the black belt in karate, it’s no wonder.

Confidence. Although he wasn’t always totally hot, there is a certain self-confident quality about him without cresting that point of being completely stuck on himself.

The Tag Line is even sexy. “Are you ready?” Oh honey, am I.

I’ve decided after my boob job and the bleach, I’d like to have Criss Angel delivered to my door with a big red bow on his forehead. Better yet, he lives in Vegas; deliver me to him by same day service.

In honor of the weeks to come I would like to offer a throwback to the days of yore, a visit to a political party that makes sense.  Well, okay, at least the didn’t go back on their promises.  The party I am talking about you ask?  Why its only the two term Pail and Shovel Party hailing from Madison, Wisconsin.

This party single handedly did away with the bickering of the Student Government about how much funding each group got by converting the entire budget into pennies.  They also brought Lady Liberty to Lake Mendota. 

So in the upcoming elections I would be on the look out for someone who at least comes through on their promises… I give my vote to Pail and Shovel.

     I find Sasha Baron Cohen brilliant, a master-of-irony whose talents rival the twisted genius of Andy Kaufman.  As Ali G (a muslim ‘gangsta’ rapper), he caused tremendous controversy from unwitting participants on his English talk show.  As Bruno (an openly gay Austrian fashion correspondent), he’s repeatedly shaken up the industry and called out many a designer on their pompous, ridiculous notions.  And as Borat (a Kazakhstani reporter filming a documentary about the US — and A), he’s managed to piss off pretty much everyone from the Grand Ol’ South to the former Soviet bloc.

     But there is a great truth that everyone should know:

     Most Men find Borat hilarious.

     Most Women do not.

     For those burning up with Borat Fever (this means you, Zacque!  *grin*), some translation may be required:

     Men who make impersonation of reporter from glorious nation of Kazakhstan have great success in not make sexy time with girlfriend.  Is bad for you… High five!  Fortunate, there is help… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Not.  Please to review following video, “Borat Sketch (PSA): Cultural Learnings for Make Unoriginal Douchebag Stop Do Impersonation.”

     For you Dave Chappelle wannabes out there … You are not Rick James, bitch!  Help will be coming for you soon…

Dear Lord. Won’t it ever go away? What did we do to deserve more drama out of the Anna Nicole family?

Finally, Vergie Arthur *cringe* has quieted down. Finally, Howard K. Stern appears to have went in to relax mode. Nobody has tried to dig her up. There are no more wannabe daddies coming out of the woodwork. Seemed like the train wreck was just about cleaned up and we could all just go on with our lives……

Until 5 minutes ago.

Now it seems Anna’s freak step-sister, Donna Hogan, the author of the much acclaimed biography about Anna Nicole, Train Wreck, is gonna try to step into Anna’s life and live it. Chick is gonna get a new set of boobs and bleach her hair. She’s icky, and borderline scary.

Get this. She’s gonna get the new rack and go try to screw her way into Playboy… *cringe again*.

Wonder how long it’ll be before Howard K. moves in on her? At least she’s got the book profits… that dork doesn’t even have a job now.

For real, the last thing I want to hear on the news everyday is all the crazy shit this broad is gonna do to try and drum up some (apparently much needed) attention. Yup, I could live a thousand lives and be happy never to here any of this crap about Anna Nicole and her screwed up family/friends again.

On second thought, maybe I should start a cause….  Donations accepted for Diva’s boob job and other minor plastic surgeries in an effort to beat that freak skank to the punch.  We’ll call it the “Make Diva Famous Fund”.

Mark, you’re in charge of passin the collection plate, pal!