Posts Tagged with "Text"

Worry Not, Copenhagen. Metallica’s Vocalist Sucks Just as Bad.

May 19th, 2010 at 4:00 am by Mark
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Apparently, one poor Dutch bastard has been reviled for not knowing the words to Metallica’s “Seek and Destroy.” During their July 2009 show, Metallica’s rhythm guitar and vocalist, James Hetfield, shoved the mic in front of an overeager fan, who rather clearly screamed, “I WANTA DA BACON!” at 1:54.

But in defense of the aforementioned bacon-lover, even Metallica, themselves, have decreed, “BACON VERY IMPORTANT THAT BACON BE AVAILABLE DURING EVERY MEAL.”

Besides… Even Hetfield can’t remember the words to “Ride the Lighning” these days.

I rest my case.

And it’s a good thing, too, otherwise I’ll start picking at Lars’ pathetic California Dutch…

Wii for the Special Kind of Stupid

April 8th, 2010 at 11:00 am by Mark
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When I first saw the book, Wii for Dummies, back in 2008, I thought, “Wow. Steve Jobs has finally succeeded in making the world a technologically illiterate place.” However, this book, Wii Fitness for Dummies, is less than two months old.

Wii Fitness for Dummies

Even though the book requires the common sense of a Politician to be at all practical, there are apparently people in the world who are unable to grasp such taxing concepts as putting their foot on a big white button.

For those people, I would suggest that they also purchase future “Dummies” titles, including, Using a Power Button for Dummies, Putting Two Feet in Front of the Other for Dummies and Pouring Liquids Into Smaller Containers for Dummies. And, of course, if you enjoy those, perhaps you’ll also enjoy my forthcoming title, Zen in the Art of Wiping Your Own Ass: A Life Primer for Those Who Think Stepping on a Big White Button is Your Key to Personal Fitness..

Stock Photos

UK Citizens Get Fucking Hell from Austria

March 31st, 2010 at 12:00 pm by Mark
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Today’s lesson in European geography begins with the town of Fucking in Austria. It’s located around 50km north of Salzburg, and as you can see by the map below, there are four Fucking Roads to get there:

Address: Fucking, 5121 Tarsdorf, Austria

Fucking residents have been constantly annoyed by British tourists stealing their Fucking signs. But March 31st, 2010 is an amazing day for Fucking. It appears that one Fucking beer company has managed to pass all legal hurdles to begin sending Fucking Hell to England. As Independent author Tony Paterson points out:

The German brand name’s owners point out that the German word “Hell” means “light” when used in conjunction with beer. But they may have underestimated the likely effects of the brand name in Britain where vexed bar staff could soon be facing orders along the lines of: “A pint of Fucking, half a Fucking shandy and a packet of cheese and onion please.”

But as for the widepread availability of this rather controversial product in the United Kingdom, I will certainly give three cheers for Fucking as I raise a bit of Hell.

Want to Spice Up Your Game?

March 31st, 2010 at 10:00 am by Mark
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Oh, no, not that kind of game. I meant your Xbox 360 game. Yes, a new service called GameCrush allows socially inept video game junkies to play Halo and Modern Warfare 2 with “hot chicks” for around $1 per minute.

It is worth noting, however, that the best way to actually meet “hot chicks” is to turn off the Xbox, put down the Hot Pockets™, leave the basement, get some fresh air . . . perhaps a tan . . . *cough*

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